Friday, July 16, 2010
Dear Mama - Tupac....
Phillip knew every word of this song and he loved to sing it to me....its hard to listen to it now because i hear his voice singing it to me.......
Tuesday, July 6, 2010
These were obituary posts.......
jonah solano Says: January 4th, 2010 at 6:50 pm YOUR FAMILY WILL BE IN MY PRAYERS.WE WENT TO SAME SCHOOL.
Linda Lafuente Says: January 4th, 2010 at 7:01 pm I didnt really know phillip that well but when i met him for the very first time he seemed like a very cool person,every now and then we would say hi to each other.and when we would he would always be laughing or would be smiling when i spoke to him!…he was a very happy person who brought joy to me and everyone else i knew!,you will be missed very much phillip duran!=’[
Kyle Nederdaels Says: January 5th, 2010 at 5:46 pm Phillip was one of my friends. We were on the same basketball team for a couple weeks . He was a very good person and he allways made me laugh. He will always be in my prayers. I will never forget the guy. You will be missed.
Laura Says: January 6th, 2010 at 12:40 pm i didnt really know phillip but my friend all ways said hi to him i always smiled at him because i really didnt know him dat much i just wanted sorry for his tragedy. i will always pray for his accident and wish the best of luck to keep on strudding forward.
angelina Says: January 6th, 2010 at 12:42 pm i am sorry for your son’s tragedy i didnt know him that much im so sorry!:(
Laura Says: January 6th, 2010 at 12:51 pm i wasnt in the same grade as him but he seemed a cool guy to me just looking at his face and seeing his friends laugh. i am really sorry for ur son’s tragedy i really didnt know him dat much but my friend always stopped and waived hello or say it i always smiled at him because i was kind of shy and i didnt know him. he will always be in my prayers. just think positive things and u will keep on strudding forward so do ur best
Karen Neerdaels Says: January 7th, 2010 at 3:29 pm I am so sorry for your loss. I know this is a very difficult time for your family. Please except my heart felt condolences. May God Bless you and comfort you in the days ahead.
aide gomez Says: January 13th, 2010 at 11:24 am i give my condolences phillip was a great friend and always remenber
mama Says: January 27th, 2010 at 9:29 am I AM VERY SORRY FOR YOUR LOST. I LOST MY SON NOV.14.2009. HE WAS ONLY 4 MONTHS OLD. A DAY DOESNT GO BY THAT I DONT THINK OF HIM. I FEEL FOR YALLS FAMILY. GOD BLESS YALL
Linda Lafuente Says: January 4th, 2010 at 7:01 pm I didnt really know phillip that well but when i met him for the very first time he seemed like a very cool person,every now and then we would say hi to each other.and when we would he would always be laughing or would be smiling when i spoke to him!…he was a very happy person who brought joy to me and everyone else i knew!,you will be missed very much phillip duran!=’[
Kyle Nederdaels Says: January 5th, 2010 at 5:46 pm Phillip was one of my friends. We were on the same basketball team for a couple weeks . He was a very good person and he allways made me laugh. He will always be in my prayers. I will never forget the guy. You will be missed.
Laura Says: January 6th, 2010 at 12:40 pm i didnt really know phillip but my friend all ways said hi to him i always smiled at him because i really didnt know him dat much i just wanted sorry for his tragedy. i will always pray for his accident and wish the best of luck to keep on strudding forward.
angelina Says: January 6th, 2010 at 12:42 pm i am sorry for your son’s tragedy i didnt know him that much im so sorry!:(
Laura Says: January 6th, 2010 at 12:51 pm i wasnt in the same grade as him but he seemed a cool guy to me just looking at his face and seeing his friends laugh. i am really sorry for ur son’s tragedy i really didnt know him dat much but my friend always stopped and waived hello or say it i always smiled at him because i was kind of shy and i didnt know him. he will always be in my prayers. just think positive things and u will keep on strudding forward so do ur best
Karen Neerdaels Says: January 7th, 2010 at 3:29 pm I am so sorry for your loss. I know this is a very difficult time for your family. Please except my heart felt condolences. May God Bless you and comfort you in the days ahead.
aide gomez Says: January 13th, 2010 at 11:24 am i give my condolences phillip was a great friend and always remenber
mama Says: January 27th, 2010 at 9:29 am I AM VERY SORRY FOR YOUR LOST. I LOST MY SON NOV.14.2009. HE WAS ONLY 4 MONTHS OLD. A DAY DOESNT GO BY THAT I DONT THINK OF HIM. I FEEL FOR YALLS FAMILY. GOD BLESS YALL
Thursday, July 1, 2010
A Memory I'd Like to share -
When I found out that I was pregnant with Phillip it was not a good time for me . Well let me back up ....when I found out I was pregnant with Jessica it was the happiest day of my life. It was the most wonderful pregnancy because she was so wanted and loved by everyone. My life was full of my family , surrounded by everyone I loved.
So...back to Phillip...
When I found out I was pregnant with him life was really hard for me . Me and Andrew were having alot of problems. I filed for divorce. Jessica was like one and a half then , and consumed every single second of my time . Two weeks after I left Andy after our worst fight ever...I know I'm pregnant. My mom kept telling me that I was. I didn't believe her. I kept saying no no no. Well one day I took off work early and I went to the clinic. I didn't tell anyone , I just snuck off by myself. I remember sitting there filling out the paperwork and I was praying not to be pregnant. I just couldn't do it , I had too many things to deal with right now. My marriage was over and I was living with my mom again.
Well, obviously the test was positive.
I drove out to the Texas City Dike and sat there by the water and cried and cried.
I did not want another baby. Jessica was the most spoiled little girl ever and I couldn't do it again. I spent too much time devoted to her. I sat there for hours and I prayed. I prayed that God would give me a miscarriage.
I decided to have an abortion. When I was a teenager I got pregnant three times. I didn't have a child until I was 21 years old and that was Jessica. I had three abortions. I didn't want to be a mother , I was too selfish and self- centered. I thought the world revolved around me and was having the party of my life. I was a drunk drug addicted teenager living on her own and I had three abortions. I have dealt with it. It was mistakes that I made.....
So , I decide that this time I need to have another abortion. I made me an appointment but never went.
I am so glad that this time I made the right choice.......
When I was 30 weeks along in my pregnancy my doctor ordered me on total bed rest in the hospital. This was the time that I really began to get to know my son. I was finally so happy to be having another child. All my fears and worries meant nothing because there was this miracle growing inside of me.He moved constantly , he was very active , day and night.
When I was 35 weeks pregnant I woke up one night in the hospital and I was sick. I was nauseous and throwing up. My doctor came and did an ultrasound and examination and told me I was going right then for an emergency cesarean. My baby was in distress. I was terrified . I grab the phone and try to call Andrew , no answer. I tried to call my mother in law, no answer. I tried to call my mom , sister and friend. Still no answer. So I knew I ws going to do this alone. I was crying so bad and they were prepping me for surgery and I was just shaking and terrified that my baby was going to die. I remembered the times when I begged God to let me have a miscarriage and I tried to bargain with God that if he let my son live that I would love him every day of his life. I prayed that God would forgive me for the other three children that I aborted and just give me a chance to be a mother again. I just knew that God was gonna take him from me because I hadn't appreciated him enough.
And then...
Like a voice in the back of my head I hear my fathers voice. He says , "Tricina , quit crying. Your son is going to be fine. Everyone is gonna think he's sick but he's not."
Suddenly I felt so relaxed. I stopped crying and I knew that everything was gonna be okay. Phillip was born five weeks premature and weighed 8lbs 7 1/2 ounces. He was a big boy but his lungs were not developed yet. He went straight to the NICU. The first time I saw him he was covered in wires and surrounded by machines. He had an IV in his head and one in his foot.They had used medicine to paralyze him and he was completely dependant on a machine to breathe for him. He didn't breathe on his own till he was three days old.He looked so helpless laying there bright red , because his skin pigment wasn't ready yet.
But , I dint worry about him .
I knew he was going to be okay because my father told me so. When he was one day old and the specialist told me he had a 15% percent chance to live , I didn't worry. When he finally came off oxygen and the doctors told me that he might be a slow learner or develop slowly , I did not worry.
And he turned out to be the most healthy, fat and smartest child ever. He rarely even got sick. And he was a natural born athlete with strong lungs. He was strong.
So...back to Phillip...
When I found out I was pregnant with him life was really hard for me . Me and Andrew were having alot of problems. I filed for divorce. Jessica was like one and a half then , and consumed every single second of my time . Two weeks after I left Andy after our worst fight ever...I know I'm pregnant. My mom kept telling me that I was. I didn't believe her. I kept saying no no no. Well one day I took off work early and I went to the clinic. I didn't tell anyone , I just snuck off by myself. I remember sitting there filling out the paperwork and I was praying not to be pregnant. I just couldn't do it , I had too many things to deal with right now. My marriage was over and I was living with my mom again.
Well, obviously the test was positive.
I drove out to the Texas City Dike and sat there by the water and cried and cried.
I did not want another baby. Jessica was the most spoiled little girl ever and I couldn't do it again. I spent too much time devoted to her. I sat there for hours and I prayed. I prayed that God would give me a miscarriage.
I decided to have an abortion. When I was a teenager I got pregnant three times. I didn't have a child until I was 21 years old and that was Jessica. I had three abortions. I didn't want to be a mother , I was too selfish and self- centered. I thought the world revolved around me and was having the party of my life. I was a drunk drug addicted teenager living on her own and I had three abortions. I have dealt with it. It was mistakes that I made.....
So , I decide that this time I need to have another abortion. I made me an appointment but never went.
I am so glad that this time I made the right choice.......
When I was 30 weeks along in my pregnancy my doctor ordered me on total bed rest in the hospital. This was the time that I really began to get to know my son. I was finally so happy to be having another child. All my fears and worries meant nothing because there was this miracle growing inside of me.He moved constantly , he was very active , day and night.
When I was 35 weeks pregnant I woke up one night in the hospital and I was sick. I was nauseous and throwing up. My doctor came and did an ultrasound and examination and told me I was going right then for an emergency cesarean. My baby was in distress. I was terrified . I grab the phone and try to call Andrew , no answer. I tried to call my mother in law, no answer. I tried to call my mom , sister and friend. Still no answer. So I knew I ws going to do this alone. I was crying so bad and they were prepping me for surgery and I was just shaking and terrified that my baby was going to die. I remembered the times when I begged God to let me have a miscarriage and I tried to bargain with God that if he let my son live that I would love him every day of his life. I prayed that God would forgive me for the other three children that I aborted and just give me a chance to be a mother again. I just knew that God was gonna take him from me because I hadn't appreciated him enough.
And then...
Like a voice in the back of my head I hear my fathers voice. He says , "Tricina , quit crying. Your son is going to be fine. Everyone is gonna think he's sick but he's not."
Suddenly I felt so relaxed. I stopped crying and I knew that everything was gonna be okay. Phillip was born five weeks premature and weighed 8lbs 7 1/2 ounces. He was a big boy but his lungs were not developed yet. He went straight to the NICU. The first time I saw him he was covered in wires and surrounded by machines. He had an IV in his head and one in his foot.They had used medicine to paralyze him and he was completely dependant on a machine to breathe for him. He didn't breathe on his own till he was three days old.He looked so helpless laying there bright red , because his skin pigment wasn't ready yet.
But , I dint worry about him .
I knew he was going to be okay because my father told me so. When he was one day old and the specialist told me he had a 15% percent chance to live , I didn't worry. When he finally came off oxygen and the doctors told me that he might be a slow learner or develop slowly , I did not worry.
And he turned out to be the most healthy, fat and smartest child ever. He rarely even got sick. And he was a natural born athlete with strong lungs. He was strong.
04/18/2010 - My 37th Birthday
Well here it is..today I am 37...This is the first birthday that I am spending without my son. Except for the twenty four years that I had before him.
I miss him. I always loved having birthdays with my children because they were so good to me. They would shower me with love and attention and I would be the most important person in the world , for a day. Always I got breakfast in bed. They would bring it to me and we would all eat together.
This year I dont want to celebrate. I can hear everyone around me whispering and I am really hoping that they are not planning me a party. Im ok , but I dont want to celebrate. But I hear my niece and I can tell something is going on.
I take off with a friend of mine for awhile to ride around and talk and when I get back to my nieces house , I see cars. Just my brother and sister. I get out and have to go to the side of the house and cry. I just miss my Phillip. What kind of birthday is this? Im looking at the sky and I just wanna see him. Its so hard not to be sad. I dont want to go inside because I dont want them to see me sad.
My daughter is so understanding. She just sits there and waits till I'm done. She knows that the tears wont last long because she sees me getting better.
When I pull myself together she says , " Do you feel better? Now lets go inside."
I see that sometimes she still has to be the mommie.
We go inside and nobody jumped out at me..everyone is just sitting around chillin . Thats a good thing because this I can handle. I can do this.
My niece bought me a cake. That girl , she is so wonderful. She showers me with love all day every day. She thinks that I am the strong one but I think she is. She has so unselfishly opened her house to me. I have always had a close bond to her and now I need her more than ever.
I dont like today but I am handling it. Thats all I can do , is handle it.
I miss him. I always loved having birthdays with my children because they were so good to me. They would shower me with love and attention and I would be the most important person in the world , for a day. Always I got breakfast in bed. They would bring it to me and we would all eat together.
This year I dont want to celebrate. I can hear everyone around me whispering and I am really hoping that they are not planning me a party. Im ok , but I dont want to celebrate. But I hear my niece and I can tell something is going on.
I take off with a friend of mine for awhile to ride around and talk and when I get back to my nieces house , I see cars. Just my brother and sister. I get out and have to go to the side of the house and cry. I just miss my Phillip. What kind of birthday is this? Im looking at the sky and I just wanna see him. Its so hard not to be sad. I dont want to go inside because I dont want them to see me sad.
My daughter is so understanding. She just sits there and waits till I'm done. She knows that the tears wont last long because she sees me getting better.
When I pull myself together she says , " Do you feel better? Now lets go inside."
I see that sometimes she still has to be the mommie.
We go inside and nobody jumped out at me..everyone is just sitting around chillin . Thats a good thing because this I can handle. I can do this.
My niece bought me a cake. That girl , she is so wonderful. She showers me with love all day every day. She thinks that I am the strong one but I think she is. She has so unselfishly opened her house to me. I have always had a close bond to her and now I need her more than ever.
I dont like today but I am handling it. Thats all I can do , is handle it.
Tuesday, June 29, 2010
04/17/2010
Its the day before my 37th Birthday.....
Five days after I tried to kill myself and four months seventeen days after my son died.
I know that I need to start writing. I need to tell my feelings. Somewhere out there there is someone in some moment of time that will need to hear my words. I have to write them down for her. I don't know her yet and I may never meet her , but my words will bring her hope and will save her life.
So ... I'm at home now and I begin to write a blog. Its hard at first. I don't want to relive those awful moments. But its cleansing too. While I'm writing I will be crying and so sad. But , when I finish a day , I feel like a weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
I really think that maybe I'm gonna be ok.
Five days after I tried to kill myself and four months seventeen days after my son died.
I know that I need to start writing. I need to tell my feelings. Somewhere out there there is someone in some moment of time that will need to hear my words. I have to write them down for her. I don't know her yet and I may never meet her , but my words will bring her hope and will save her life.
So ... I'm at home now and I begin to write a blog. Its hard at first. I don't want to relive those awful moments. But its cleansing too. While I'm writing I will be crying and so sad. But , when I finish a day , I feel like a weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
I really think that maybe I'm gonna be ok.
04/16/2010
I wake up this morning and I feel wonderful. Wow , this is nice...
I am going to live. I don't know what I am going to do or where my life is going to lead me but I am going to live. I'm still angry with God but its like we have found a common ground.
I'm talking to the nurses all day. One of the nurses is so sweet , as I sit and tell her my story she gets this awful look on her face.
She says , " I'm from Alvin, my son went to the same school as your son. I remember when it happened the whole town was in shock. He was a special boy. "
She knows my son. All the way here far away from Alvin and shes my nurse and shes telling me about God and about Faith and shes saying that I am special that I have a purpose on this earth. She says that she knows that more than anything else. She was so sweet. I get up and I bathe , and I put on makeup and I even comb my knotted hair. I feel better.
Maybe I'm really gonna make it.
The psychiatrist comes back in and he is amazed at me . He says that he has changed his mind . He is not going to commit me . I have to promise to make an outpatient appointment and follow through with treatment and he will let me go tomorrow.
Wow , what a mighty God I serve...........
I am going to live. I don't know what I am going to do or where my life is going to lead me but I am going to live. I'm still angry with God but its like we have found a common ground.
I'm talking to the nurses all day. One of the nurses is so sweet , as I sit and tell her my story she gets this awful look on her face.
She says , " I'm from Alvin, my son went to the same school as your son. I remember when it happened the whole town was in shock. He was a special boy. "
She knows my son. All the way here far away from Alvin and shes my nurse and shes telling me about God and about Faith and shes saying that I am special that I have a purpose on this earth. She says that she knows that more than anything else. She was so sweet. I get up and I bathe , and I put on makeup and I even comb my knotted hair. I feel better.
Maybe I'm really gonna make it.
The psychiatrist comes back in and he is amazed at me . He says that he has changed his mind . He is not going to commit me . I have to promise to make an outpatient appointment and follow through with treatment and he will let me go tomorrow.
Wow , what a mighty God I serve...........
4/15/2010
Its really late at night. I asked for some paper and I cant stop writing. I was praying earlier...I havent done that in a long time.
I said ,"God why didnt you let me die? Why do I have to go on living?"
Not in a mad way. Just like we were talking to eachother.
I said "Why do I keep living? Why cant I kill myself?"
And God says to me , "What do you want? Tel me what you need?"
Ok , I want my son back . Thats not possible.
"What else do you want?" he says .
So I start telling Him. I want some peace. I wanna be able to go through a whole day and not cry. I want to stop having nightmares , they tear my soul apart. I want to start living again. I want to smile. I just wanna smile so big and mean it. I want a boyfriend. Im tired of being single I have been single for two and a half years. Im lonely. My son was my boyfriend , he occupied all of my time . Now I have nothing. I want soemeone to fill a small piece of my heart. I wanna laugh again. Oh I cant wait to laugh again.
All this God listens to. I felt like he was sitting there with me and he was taking notes.I can see Him nodding his head like yeah I can do that. Im just spilling out everything. I know he cant give me back Phillip but he asked...so Im going to tell Him.
And somewhere deep inside of me I feel a glimmer of Hope. I dont know how or why or even what I am supposed to be doing but hope is there. It feels unfamiliar to me. Its strange but its comforting.
Its like God says to me , "My daughter , Im sorry. I knew you were going to have to do this(my attempt) But I am here for you , if you let me I will help you."
So maybe Im going to be ok. Maybe I will make it through this. Somehow Someway....
I said ,"God why didnt you let me die? Why do I have to go on living?"
Not in a mad way. Just like we were talking to eachother.
I said "Why do I keep living? Why cant I kill myself?"
And God says to me , "What do you want? Tel me what you need?"
Ok , I want my son back . Thats not possible.
"What else do you want?" he says .
So I start telling Him. I want some peace. I wanna be able to go through a whole day and not cry. I want to stop having nightmares , they tear my soul apart. I want to start living again. I want to smile. I just wanna smile so big and mean it. I want a boyfriend. Im tired of being single I have been single for two and a half years. Im lonely. My son was my boyfriend , he occupied all of my time . Now I have nothing. I want soemeone to fill a small piece of my heart. I wanna laugh again. Oh I cant wait to laugh again.
All this God listens to. I felt like he was sitting there with me and he was taking notes.I can see Him nodding his head like yeah I can do that. Im just spilling out everything. I know he cant give me back Phillip but he asked...so Im going to tell Him.
And somewhere deep inside of me I feel a glimmer of Hope. I dont know how or why or even what I am supposed to be doing but hope is there. It feels unfamiliar to me. Its strange but its comforting.
Its like God says to me , "My daughter , Im sorry. I knew you were going to have to do this(my attempt) But I am here for you , if you let me I will help you."
So maybe Im going to be ok. Maybe I will make it through this. Somehow Someway....
4/15/2010
Three days Ive been laying in this hospital. I don't want to be here.
All I do is sit here and think .
I think about Phillip and I cry.
I think about Jessica and I cry.
I sit here talking to myself and talking to God and I cry.
I am so sick of crying.
All I do is sit here and think .
I think about Phillip and I cry.
I think about Jessica and I cry.
I sit here talking to myself and talking to God and I cry.
I am so sick of crying.
04/13/2010 - The Day After
So i wake up in this hospital room.....
I feel worse than ever.I failed. Im still here and I dont want to be. Why couldnt I have done it right. The doctors come in and they are telling me Im so happy to be alive. Im crying , they think my tears come from shame. No , my tears come because Im alive.They say that its a miracle , with the amount of pills I took I should have easily died. They proclaim that the charcoal must have saved my life. I look at them and tell them I didnt even drink it , I threw it away. They are amazed. Now I truly am a miracle.
Miracle my big toe . Thats not me , Im a mistake. All I am is a failed attempt. I dont want to be alive . I dont want to be here. All they have done is delayed me.
The psychiatrist comes in to evaluate me. I tell him how I feel. Exactly how I feel.
He tells me he is going to admit me into Austin State Hospital after they medically clear me from here. I tell him that I dont want to go, I try to explain to him that I am not crazy. Far from it. I am the sanest person I know. Im just a mother. Im just a mother who cant deal with life anymore. He says Im going against my will. He has signed the papers. If I try to leave the hospital I will be arrested. Ha , thats funny.So , Im crazy now? Naw , Im not crazy. Im just tired , so tired.
I lay there all day long with the tubes running all over me in and out my body. They're giving me fluids that are gonna save me. The doctors say Im still so sick , that I have to be observed closely. Whatever. I have a bad attitude with them.
I cry all day long. I miss my Phillip. I was so close to being back with him. I dream up ways I can sneak out of the hospital. They wont even let me close my curtain though. Oh yeah , Im a suicide risk. Well thats the one thing that they are right about. No one comes to see me. I have no visitors. Im glad. I dont wanna see anyone.
Im lying there and Im so mad at God. You could have taken me God. You would have forgiven me because I would have explained to you that I just couldnt make it through life , without my baby. You know how I feel. You gave your son too. You had to watch while he was broken on the cross. You had to see him take his last breath. You know how badly I am hurt. Its your fault. You took my son from me.
I feel worse than ever.I failed. Im still here and I dont want to be. Why couldnt I have done it right. The doctors come in and they are telling me Im so happy to be alive. Im crying , they think my tears come from shame. No , my tears come because Im alive.They say that its a miracle , with the amount of pills I took I should have easily died. They proclaim that the charcoal must have saved my life. I look at them and tell them I didnt even drink it , I threw it away. They are amazed. Now I truly am a miracle.
Miracle my big toe . Thats not me , Im a mistake. All I am is a failed attempt. I dont want to be alive . I dont want to be here. All they have done is delayed me.
The psychiatrist comes in to evaluate me. I tell him how I feel. Exactly how I feel.
He tells me he is going to admit me into Austin State Hospital after they medically clear me from here. I tell him that I dont want to go, I try to explain to him that I am not crazy. Far from it. I am the sanest person I know. Im just a mother. Im just a mother who cant deal with life anymore. He says Im going against my will. He has signed the papers. If I try to leave the hospital I will be arrested. Ha , thats funny.So , Im crazy now? Naw , Im not crazy. Im just tired , so tired.
I lay there all day long with the tubes running all over me in and out my body. They're giving me fluids that are gonna save me. The doctors say Im still so sick , that I have to be observed closely. Whatever. I have a bad attitude with them.
I cry all day long. I miss my Phillip. I was so close to being back with him. I dream up ways I can sneak out of the hospital. They wont even let me close my curtain though. Oh yeah , Im a suicide risk. Well thats the one thing that they are right about. No one comes to see me. I have no visitors. Im glad. I dont wanna see anyone.
Im lying there and Im so mad at God. You could have taken me God. You would have forgiven me because I would have explained to you that I just couldnt make it through life , without my baby. You know how I feel. You gave your son too. You had to watch while he was broken on the cross. You had to see him take his last breath. You know how badly I am hurt. Its your fault. You took my son from me.
4/12/2010 - Later
Im at the hospital and I just have the worst attitude with eveyone . They knew I was coming. They ask me questions and I answer them like Im annoyed . And , I am so annoyed . They are messing up my plans. I have failed again. Why cant I ever get anything right? I just wanted to go and be with my boy. Thats all . What kind of monsters are they to make me go on living?
Im back there and they give me this thick black coal to drink. I empty out my Coca Cola bottle and pour it in there , Then I throw it in the trash. I am not helping them save my life. I want to die.
They admit me into the hospital and put me in ICU. My mom comes and she is crying. Asking me if I know what it will do to her if I die . Yes mama I do know. I tell her that I may have failed today but I am going to do it again and again. They have delayed me today but the ending to my story is inevitable. I am going to kill myself no matter what.
Im all by myself in there and Im so sad . Im sad because I am still alive.
Im back there and they give me this thick black coal to drink. I empty out my Coca Cola bottle and pour it in there , Then I throw it in the trash. I am not helping them save my life. I want to die.
They admit me into the hospital and put me in ICU. My mom comes and she is crying. Asking me if I know what it will do to her if I die . Yes mama I do know. I tell her that I may have failed today but I am going to do it again and again. They have delayed me today but the ending to my story is inevitable. I am going to kill myself no matter what.
Im all by myself in there and Im so sad . Im sad because I am still alive.
4/12/2010 - I'm sorry - Early
Yesterday I moved into my nieces house. Everything I own is in boxes in her garage.
I wake up this morning on a mission . I write Jessica a letter saying that Phillips ashes will always be hers. I clean up my nieces house .
Then I go into the bathroom and take 50 of my Metaformin. That is my medicine for my diabetes. My thinking is that it will drop my blood sugar so low that I will go into a coma and then die. Its hard to swallow the pills. Its really hard after awhile. Its like your body is protesting. I keep gagging and then I swallow the acidy metallic taste spit that fills my mouth. And then I take some more. I'm looking at myself in the mirror and I see someone I don't even know. I have huge dark circles around my eyes. My hair is so gray. I guess I missed my monthly date with Ms. Clairol. Then I begin to cry. I feel so guilty. "Please God," I pray "forgive me. Know that I am so sorry ."
I just don't want to wake up another day and not see my son.
My niece calls. What a time to call . I'm on the phone and she hears me crying and I'm telling her, "Its ok . I'm just tired , so tired." She begins to panic .
"I'm sorry , my niece , I love you , I'm just tired."
Then my cousin calls me I tell her what I did because I feel she is too far away to do anything.
My sister shows up and I'm mad. She knows and is going to try to stop me. My other friend comes and she calls the ambulance and I take off walking. I'm not going to the hospital. That would defeat the purpose. I take off down an alley and I have to throw up. I try so hard not too but my stomach leaves me no choice. Then I continue walking.
Here comes my sister begging me to get in the car. I'm pleading with her saying ,
"Please Mary , I cant do it anymore. I just want to be with Phillip . Please understand. Please don't make me live."
Well the police see us and he comes and convinces me to go voluntarily to the hospital. He says if I don't go he's gonna arrest me and make me go against my will.
I feel awful and defeated. Why wont these people leave me alone? Why wont they just let me die. I don't want to live. I want to die. Just let me be and I will. But they are messing up my plans. Leave me alone. Hell is nothing compared to if I have to wake up tomorrow. That is hell. Living is hell . I'm done , I'm through. My children were supposed to be my greatest accomplishment and now they are my greatest failure. I have failed.
I wake up this morning on a mission . I write Jessica a letter saying that Phillips ashes will always be hers. I clean up my nieces house .
Then I go into the bathroom and take 50 of my Metaformin. That is my medicine for my diabetes. My thinking is that it will drop my blood sugar so low that I will go into a coma and then die. Its hard to swallow the pills. Its really hard after awhile. Its like your body is protesting. I keep gagging and then I swallow the acidy metallic taste spit that fills my mouth. And then I take some more. I'm looking at myself in the mirror and I see someone I don't even know. I have huge dark circles around my eyes. My hair is so gray. I guess I missed my monthly date with Ms. Clairol. Then I begin to cry. I feel so guilty. "Please God," I pray "forgive me. Know that I am so sorry ."
I just don't want to wake up another day and not see my son.
My niece calls. What a time to call . I'm on the phone and she hears me crying and I'm telling her, "Its ok . I'm just tired , so tired." She begins to panic .
"I'm sorry , my niece , I love you , I'm just tired."
Then my cousin calls me I tell her what I did because I feel she is too far away to do anything.
My sister shows up and I'm mad. She knows and is going to try to stop me. My other friend comes and she calls the ambulance and I take off walking. I'm not going to the hospital. That would defeat the purpose. I take off down an alley and I have to throw up. I try so hard not too but my stomach leaves me no choice. Then I continue walking.
Here comes my sister begging me to get in the car. I'm pleading with her saying ,
"Please Mary , I cant do it anymore. I just want to be with Phillip . Please understand. Please don't make me live."
Well the police see us and he comes and convinces me to go voluntarily to the hospital. He says if I don't go he's gonna arrest me and make me go against my will.
I feel awful and defeated. Why wont these people leave me alone? Why wont they just let me die. I don't want to live. I want to die. Just let me be and I will. But they are messing up my plans. Leave me alone. Hell is nothing compared to if I have to wake up tomorrow. That is hell. Living is hell . I'm done , I'm through. My children were supposed to be my greatest accomplishment and now they are my greatest failure. I have failed.
4/10/2010 - Time to get ready
I know what I am going to do..I have never been more clear headed or known without a shadow of a doubt what I am going to do.
I have to start packing all of my things. I give away everything. All that I save is some of my clothes and all of Phillips pictures and things like that. Little special things that I pack in Jessica's cedar chest . These are all the things I want to remember. Everything else I give away . I don't want none of it. I don't need it where I'm going. I give away all the furniture , the rugs ,curtains everything.
I'm so tired . I don't wanna sleep. I don't want to eat . I don't want to feel. I want to rest. I'm so tired. I just cant do this anymore.
I have to start packing all of my things. I give away everything. All that I save is some of my clothes and all of Phillips pictures and things like that. Little special things that I pack in Jessica's cedar chest . These are all the things I want to remember. Everything else I give away . I don't want none of it. I don't need it where I'm going. I give away all the furniture , the rugs ,curtains everything.
I'm so tired . I don't wanna sleep. I don't want to eat . I don't want to feel. I want to rest. I'm so tired. I just cant do this anymore.
4/09/2010 - What am I doing ? & Nightmares
Im in a bad moment..
Im about to be kicked out of my house. I cant pay the rent. I knew it was coming . Everyday closer and closer. And every single day I begged myself to get out of bed. Every day I would pump myself to conquer the world . I never got out of bed. Im so scared of the world. I go to the grocery store and their are mothers with their kids and it kills me . Im so jealous of them . Especially if they have teenage boys. I cant do it. I cant ride down the road and see a boy on a bicycle. If I do then I squint my eyes and pretend that is my Phillip. But , its not and it makes me feel worse.
I cant leave my bed. Im supposed to be packing. I have to pack up my sons things again. But , this time I'm not packing his clothes and toys. Now Im packing up the memories of him. His pictures and his candles. This is crazy...
Why did you leave me here God ? You knew that I would be devasted. You knew that I would never be able to go on without him . Why Lord would you even make me try.
And these nightmares. Every single night I wake up freaking out. I have the worst dreams.
I dream that I am in labor all over again. (*** I didnt even have Labor with Phillip , he was delivered by c- section***) Im feeling the horrible contractions tearing my body apart. The doctors are evil and nurses are all weird and freaky looking. Im laying there and theres blood everywhere. Im screaming from the pain and finally I deliver my son. The doctors and nurses all are beaming and praising the beautiful baby I brought into this world. They wrap him and hand me my son and he's all deformed and bloody . They are acting like he's fine and im screaming...then I wake up.
Or I've dreamed of his body laying on a cold steel gurney. This one I have alot. It kills me because Im standing there looking at him and I walk over and lift the sheet and its him again. The same way he looked when I saw him after he was dead. That lifeless body that I cried on. I stand there and just cry and cry , deep hard sobs. He was beautiful.
Im about to be kicked out of my house. I cant pay the rent. I knew it was coming . Everyday closer and closer. And every single day I begged myself to get out of bed. Every day I would pump myself to conquer the world . I never got out of bed. Im so scared of the world. I go to the grocery store and their are mothers with their kids and it kills me . Im so jealous of them . Especially if they have teenage boys. I cant do it. I cant ride down the road and see a boy on a bicycle. If I do then I squint my eyes and pretend that is my Phillip. But , its not and it makes me feel worse.
I cant leave my bed. Im supposed to be packing. I have to pack up my sons things again. But , this time I'm not packing his clothes and toys. Now Im packing up the memories of him. His pictures and his candles. This is crazy...
Why did you leave me here God ? You knew that I would be devasted. You knew that I would never be able to go on without him . Why Lord would you even make me try.
And these nightmares. Every single night I wake up freaking out. I have the worst dreams.
I dream that I am in labor all over again. (*** I didnt even have Labor with Phillip , he was delivered by c- section***) Im feeling the horrible contractions tearing my body apart. The doctors are evil and nurses are all weird and freaky looking. Im laying there and theres blood everywhere. Im screaming from the pain and finally I deliver my son. The doctors and nurses all are beaming and praising the beautiful baby I brought into this world. They wrap him and hand me my son and he's all deformed and bloody . They are acting like he's fine and im screaming...then I wake up.
Or I've dreamed of his body laying on a cold steel gurney. This one I have alot. It kills me because Im standing there looking at him and I walk over and lift the sheet and its him again. The same way he looked when I saw him after he was dead. That lifeless body that I cried on. I stand there and just cry and cry , deep hard sobs. He was beautiful.
3/30/2010
Today is three months that Phillip has been gone......We've never been apart this long. I miss everything about him .
I am starting to think about him...like his physical body. I sometimes allow myself to think about his handsome face. Every once in a while I glance at his picture. He was getting so tall. We would go places and I would look at him and he was taller than me. My big boy.... 5'10" I remember what he looked like in certain clothes. Like his school uniform , he has this one yellow collared shirt that was a lil bit too small on him. But , he looked so cute in it. I remember what he looked like when I would be leaving to work and he would be standing outside waiting for the bus. He would mess with me so bad , he would make me stop to give me a kiss.He would be out there dancing around at the cars and I would see him out the rear view mirror and I would just be laughing at him. It just seems like such a waste to me. He had the potential to be someone great. He was a leader never a follower. When a group of kids were around they flocked him. Everyone wanted to be his friend.
And now he's gone.
He was my world. I feel so lost without him in my life. Its like I don't know how I am supposed to start living again. My mind just doesn't feel right.
Tomorrow is also the ten year anniversary of my Erik...
All my men leave me.
I am starting to think about him...like his physical body. I sometimes allow myself to think about his handsome face. Every once in a while I glance at his picture. He was getting so tall. We would go places and I would look at him and he was taller than me. My big boy.... 5'10" I remember what he looked like in certain clothes. Like his school uniform , he has this one yellow collared shirt that was a lil bit too small on him. But , he looked so cute in it. I remember what he looked like when I would be leaving to work and he would be standing outside waiting for the bus. He would mess with me so bad , he would make me stop to give me a kiss.He would be out there dancing around at the cars and I would see him out the rear view mirror and I would just be laughing at him. It just seems like such a waste to me. He had the potential to be someone great. He was a leader never a follower. When a group of kids were around they flocked him. Everyone wanted to be his friend.
And now he's gone.
He was my world. I feel so lost without him in my life. Its like I don't know how I am supposed to start living again. My mind just doesn't feel right.
Tomorrow is also the ten year anniversary of my Erik...
All my men leave me.
Friday, June 18, 2010
3/28/2010 - Failure is coming
Im losing ground. April 1st is coming and I dont have rent. What the hell? I dont even care. Maybe Ill go be a homeless woman. I could so see myself walking around all dirty and babbling to myself.I would hve to be dirty so no one would want to get near me. The whole world would stay away.I could live at the park and just watch children play all day. Not like in a weird way...but in an admiring way.I could live at the beach , that was your favorite place. Remember when we lived close to the Texas City Dike? You would get off of school and grab something to eat and go fishing. Every single day.
Your daddy likes to think that you were such a great fisherman because of him. But , me and you know the truth right son?
Mommie taught you everything you know.
And then one day you were teaching me. You were so smart.
There was nothing you couldnt do.
Your daddy likes to think that you were such a great fisherman because of him. But , me and you know the truth right son?
Mommie taught you everything you know.
And then one day you were teaching me. You were so smart.
There was nothing you couldnt do.
03/20/2010 - Thinkin about cremation
What am I doing?
I cant leave my room. I have your pictures everywhere but I cant even look at them. I fall asleep looking at your box of ashes. I lay on my side and pull it up close to my stomach. That comforts me. You grew inside of me and to feel you again is nice.
But its not really you. Its your ashes. My sons ashes.
Ive been thinking alot about that. Im glad I didnt bury you because then I would be living at a cemetary. I cant even imagine you in a casket. I cant even imagine you in the ground. You were so free. But now I lay at night and I imagine you on a cold hard steel table. I can see them wheeling your body to be creamated. Maybe I should have been there. Why didnt i think of that? Why didnt they ask me? You were all alone and I let them just burn you up.
Physically you were beautiful. Your face was so handsome and your body was athletic and strong. And mommie let them burn you up. Im sorry. I just wanted to keep what I had left of you with me. I was greedy and selfish and I let you go into that big oven by yourself and I let them set you on fire.
What the hell was I thinkin?
So now I have a white box. Everyone says I should get a urn or something to put you in. I dont want to. I guess Im not ready or whatever. I just like you in this box.I dont know.
Im so lonely. Im tired of looking at these walls.
I cant leave my room. I have your pictures everywhere but I cant even look at them. I fall asleep looking at your box of ashes. I lay on my side and pull it up close to my stomach. That comforts me. You grew inside of me and to feel you again is nice.
But its not really you. Its your ashes. My sons ashes.
Ive been thinking alot about that. Im glad I didnt bury you because then I would be living at a cemetary. I cant even imagine you in a casket. I cant even imagine you in the ground. You were so free. But now I lay at night and I imagine you on a cold hard steel table. I can see them wheeling your body to be creamated. Maybe I should have been there. Why didnt i think of that? Why didnt they ask me? You were all alone and I let them just burn you up.
Physically you were beautiful. Your face was so handsome and your body was athletic and strong. And mommie let them burn you up. Im sorry. I just wanted to keep what I had left of you with me. I was greedy and selfish and I let you go into that big oven by yourself and I let them set you on fire.
What the hell was I thinkin?
So now I have a white box. Everyone says I should get a urn or something to put you in. I dont want to. I guess Im not ready or whatever. I just like you in this box.I dont know.
Im so lonely. Im tired of looking at these walls.
March - Working
So I got a job. Im working for a political candidate whose up for mayor in La Marque. I really dont care about him , its just a job. Its only temporary but I gotta do something. I feel like I woke up from a dream and my life is a mess. I dont have any money , Im so broke. Like flat broke and all the bills are due. Thats whats so messed up. It feels like grieving is only for rich people. They have the luxury of being able to grieve in their time. Ha! Not me . Ive been broke my whole life. I dont want to go out in the world but what choice do I have?
Jessica is still gone from me. I miss her so much .Im so mad at myself because I dont even know how to love her anymore. I mean , dont get me wrong. I love her, I just dont know how to show it to her. What kind of mother have I become?
Jessica is still gone from me. I miss her so much .Im so mad at myself because I dont even know how to love her anymore. I mean , dont get me wrong. I love her, I just dont know how to show it to her. What kind of mother have I become?
March
For ten years ... I have hated the month of March. On March 31 ,2000 , the love of my life Erik passed away. Ten years ago. It was something that I thought I would never recover from. And it was hard. I moved me and my kids up to Nacogdoches to go live in the woods and hide from the world.
Why do all my men leave me?
The summer that I was nineteen I got back into contact with my father. Id had no memories at all about him. So it was like a fresh new beginning. Well he died after that summer.
And then my Angel Erik. I didnt know what it was to be so appreciated by a man before he came into my life. He was my everything. Four years of wonderful memories , then he died.
And now my baby boy..... Maybe its me. Maybe Im cursed.
I miss you Phillip so much. Its been too long. We have never been apart this long.
Its time for you to come on home baby. Because mommie misses you so much. And I will never spank you again. I will never yell at you , I promise.Please come home. Please God let me wake up from this nightmare. Im not gonna make it , I dont even care. I dont want to make it. Their is no hope. I miss you Phillip.
Why do all my men leave me?
The summer that I was nineteen I got back into contact with my father. Id had no memories at all about him. So it was like a fresh new beginning. Well he died after that summer.
And then my Angel Erik. I didnt know what it was to be so appreciated by a man before he came into my life. He was my everything. Four years of wonderful memories , then he died.
And now my baby boy..... Maybe its me. Maybe Im cursed.
I miss you Phillip so much. Its been too long. We have never been apart this long.
Its time for you to come on home baby. Because mommie misses you so much. And I will never spank you again. I will never yell at you , I promise.Please come home. Please God let me wake up from this nightmare. Im not gonna make it , I dont even care. I dont want to make it. Their is no hope. I miss you Phillip.
Tuesday, June 15, 2010
02/30/2010 - Two Months
Im so glad this month doesnt have a 30th......
But its still two months. Ive been having nightmares. I wake up covered in sweat and shaking. I dream about his bloody body crushed and broken. I dont know how much more of this I can take.
But its still two months. Ive been having nightmares. I wake up covered in sweat and shaking. I dream about his bloody body crushed and broken. I dont know how much more of this I can take.
February 2010
Went through most of this month in a haze. I got very good at self medicating myself. I hardly ever leave my room. Im so scared of the world. If I went somewhere it was torture. I hate everyone in the entire world. Im up at night and its hard. Jessica is gone from me. Ive neglected her in my grief and she left me. I dont blame her. Im not a very good mother right now. The whole world has just gone on spinning and Im here ... stuck. People are asking me to go places and be happy. Are they crazy? I dont want to go anywhere. I wanna lay here and just die.
I cant pray. Im so mad at God.
I cant pray. Im so mad at God.
02/14/2010 - Valentines Day
Today is Valentines Day. This sucks more than anyone knows. Im not going to make it through today. Every valentines Phillip made me breakfast in bed. He brought me cereal , toast and coffee and dry horrible eggs and burnt bologna. It was usually horrible but I ate it all. Id make him eat with me. He would draw me cards and pictures. Phillip said I was his valentine. He loved me so much. And it wasnt through his words it was through his actions. He showed me. Now I dont want any one to ever love me again. My boyfriend is gone. My man is a box of ashes. And Im stuck here to live in torture. This is my hell.
1/30/2010 - One Month
One month
One month
One month
Feels like one year...or a million years. One month since I saw my son , talked to him , kissed him. Im still crying all the time. Still thinkin about him constantly. I feel hopeless. I am hopeless there is nothing I want, nothing that makes me smile.
One month
One month
Feels like one year...or a million years. One month since I saw my son , talked to him , kissed him. Im still crying all the time. Still thinkin about him constantly. I feel hopeless. I am hopeless there is nothing I want, nothing that makes me smile.
Wednesday, May 5, 2010
F.Y.I.
(*** Just wanted to say something...I dont really mention my daughter Jessica too much here. Theres a reason for that. I wanted to respect her privacy and her feelings. She was right there with me and its been hard on both of us. This has been the hardest thing that she has ever had to deal with too...and I wanted to keep her struggles private.***)
A Poem - Whats My Pain
This is a poem I wrote for my son......
Whats My Pain?
My pain is grief.
People telling me, you have to grieve
but not knowing how to...
My pain runs deep.
so deep it hides in my blood and every
cell in my body...
My pain is loss.
My pain is forever because how
can I ever smile again?
My pain is seeing my sons broken body
lying on the side of the road....
and hearing him call mommie
and I cant answer.
My pain is his wedding day.
It will never come and I will never
meet my daughter in law.
My pain is my granddaughter....
shes named after me and I will never hold her.
My pain is never feeling whole again.
My pain is never wanting to be happy again.
My pain is the huge hole in my heart...
and the even bigger void in my soul.
My pain is the tears that never seem to stop.
My pain is every single memory of u son that
I'm so scared to forget...
but i refuse to let myself remember.
My pain is your beautiful face..
and your crooked lip..
and the dirty nails that drove me crazy.
My pain is knowing every single line of ur face..
but knowing if i allow myself to think of them
it will destroy me.
My pain is that I have to live....
and my son is dead.
Thats my pain.
Whats My Pain?
My pain is grief.
People telling me, you have to grieve
but not knowing how to...
My pain runs deep.
so deep it hides in my blood and every
cell in my body...
My pain is loss.
My pain is forever because how
can I ever smile again?
My pain is seeing my sons broken body
lying on the side of the road....
and hearing him call mommie
and I cant answer.
My pain is his wedding day.
It will never come and I will never
meet my daughter in law.
My pain is my granddaughter....
shes named after me and I will never hold her.
My pain is never feeling whole again.
My pain is never wanting to be happy again.
My pain is the huge hole in my heart...
and the even bigger void in my soul.
My pain is the tears that never seem to stop.
My pain is every single memory of u son that
I'm so scared to forget...
but i refuse to let myself remember.
My pain is your beautiful face..
and your crooked lip..
and the dirty nails that drove me crazy.
My pain is knowing every single line of ur face..
but knowing if i allow myself to think of them
it will destroy me.
My pain is that I have to live....
and my son is dead.
Thats my pain.
01/28/2010- My sister to the rescue....
Today my sister comes and she sees me. She sees that I am a mess. She sees that Im not going to make it if I stay here. Im going with her...
She feels the sadness in my house. She comes and sits in my room and just cries and cries with me.
"I came here to comfort you" she says. "But , I am just overcome with sadness here."
I pack some things and I come back with her to Texas City. Im around people now and its not so hard. It still hurts but Im around people who love me. These are people who loved my son too. They know how special he was because he touched their lives too.
We are at a friends house and they are making a big breakfast for everyone. My friend has alot of little kids and they are all sitting at the bar and watching their daddy cook breakfast in the kitchen.
Im looking at them and my heart begins to sink...
Phillip loved to eat, he would have been so happy happy if he was here right now.
Here comes the sadness....
I look and one of her kids is looking at me . I guess hes around 3. A quiet boy with a beautiful face. Hes looking at me and Im looking at him and he looks up to the ceiling. Hes looking up and then he looks back to me and smiles this huge big smile.
My heart jumped out of my body....that was my SON!
He is here with me and he doesnt want me sad. That was his way of showing me that hes here. He hasnt left me. How could he?
She feels the sadness in my house. She comes and sits in my room and just cries and cries with me.
"I came here to comfort you" she says. "But , I am just overcome with sadness here."
I pack some things and I come back with her to Texas City. Im around people now and its not so hard. It still hurts but Im around people who love me. These are people who loved my son too. They know how special he was because he touched their lives too.
We are at a friends house and they are making a big breakfast for everyone. My friend has alot of little kids and they are all sitting at the bar and watching their daddy cook breakfast in the kitchen.
Im looking at them and my heart begins to sink...
Phillip loved to eat, he would have been so happy happy if he was here right now.
Here comes the sadness....
I look and one of her kids is looking at me . I guess hes around 3. A quiet boy with a beautiful face. Hes looking at me and Im looking at him and he looks up to the ceiling. Hes looking up and then he looks back to me and smiles this huge big smile.
My heart jumped out of my body....that was my SON!
He is here with me and he doesnt want me sad. That was his way of showing me that hes here. He hasnt left me. How could he?
01/26/2010 -Tired
I wake up and I look at myself in the mirror. The reflection that looks back me is terrifying.
I look bad...my eyes are swollen. My face is puffy and I look old. My hair is tangled and knotted...I havent combed it in days.
I have so much gray hair...I feel like ive aged twenty years since Phillip died.
I dont have any strength left in me. My body is tired and weak.
I go back to bed and stay there for days...I have no more energy to fight. No will left to live.
I look bad...my eyes are swollen. My face is puffy and I look old. My hair is tangled and knotted...I havent combed it in days.
I have so much gray hair...I feel like ive aged twenty years since Phillip died.
I dont have any strength left in me. My body is tired and weak.
I go back to bed and stay there for days...I have no more energy to fight. No will left to live.
01/25/2010 - Late
I'm laying in my bed ...its late.
Nights are hard.
I cant sleep because I slept all day.
That's when I hear it.....
(***This is hard for me to share , because I don't think I'm crazy. But , these words are true...whether they are real or not , I don't know. But , they are true***)
Clear as day . I hear,
"Did you love ur son?"
"Yes," I answer, "More than anything."
"He needs you."
" Anything..I will do anything." I say.
" He wants you to be with him , he's hurting because he misses his mommie."
And then I break. I sit up and the room is dark. There is candles lit but the room is dark. And theres shadows everywhere. I see them dancing around, on the wall and ceiling. I'm scared but I'm not.
" You have to go get him," ...Clear as day. It was as if someone was sitting there next to me having a conversation.
"I'll go..wherever, whatever."
"You have to kill yourself. You have to be dead to go and find him. He needs you so bad. he's crying for you."
Now , I'm frantic..
"What about Jessica? She needs me too." I say
" Jessica will kill herself too. After you are gone she will join you and the three of you will be together again. It will be beautiful , you will have both of your children."
"But , its wrong...The Bible says so," I'm crying now " The bible says I will go to hell"
"God will forgive you ," the voice says .
Yes yes..that's what I have been saying..God will understand. God wants us to be happy. He gave us joy and peace. he loves us and wants us to be happy.
"Tricina , " the voice says..." Your son needs you, he's scared, he's crying, he needs his mommie."
My heart is breaking. Phillip is sad. I knew it. And hes crying because he needs me. Of course he needs me. I'm his mommie I was there. when he cried I was there to wipe his tears. When he hurt himself I was there. I'm his mommie I have to go to him...my baby needs me. I grew him in my body and I gave him life..and now hes dead and hes scared . And , I'm sitting here not doing nothing about it.What kind of mother am I?
NO No NO....its wrong! The Bible says so...Its wrong...I start praying,
"Jesus please come Jesus. Make this voice go away. please In the name of Jesus please God save me...I know its wrong but it sounds so right Jesus. Please wash me with your blood Lord , come now because I'm failing Lord. "
I pray and pray...all the words I grew up hearing my aunts and grandma say...they spill out of me. Prayers I have not said for years are coming from my lips. I begin to speak in tongues, something I haven't done in a long time. The sounds are unfamiliar but they are comforting. The room begins to lighten up. The shadows fade . And I feel God. Oh Jesus I feel you here with me. I feel you holding me like a child. I feel your arms wrapped around me. Lord thank you Jesus.
Thank you Jesus.
Nights are hard.
I cant sleep because I slept all day.
That's when I hear it.....
(***This is hard for me to share , because I don't think I'm crazy. But , these words are true...whether they are real or not , I don't know. But , they are true***)
Clear as day . I hear,
"Did you love ur son?"
"Yes," I answer, "More than anything."
"He needs you."
" Anything..I will do anything." I say.
" He wants you to be with him , he's hurting because he misses his mommie."
And then I break. I sit up and the room is dark. There is candles lit but the room is dark. And theres shadows everywhere. I see them dancing around, on the wall and ceiling. I'm scared but I'm not.
" You have to go get him," ...Clear as day. It was as if someone was sitting there next to me having a conversation.
"I'll go..wherever, whatever."
"You have to kill yourself. You have to be dead to go and find him. He needs you so bad. he's crying for you."
Now , I'm frantic..
"What about Jessica? She needs me too." I say
" Jessica will kill herself too. After you are gone she will join you and the three of you will be together again. It will be beautiful , you will have both of your children."
"But , its wrong...The Bible says so," I'm crying now " The bible says I will go to hell"
"God will forgive you ," the voice says .
Yes yes..that's what I have been saying..God will understand. God wants us to be happy. He gave us joy and peace. he loves us and wants us to be happy.
"Tricina , " the voice says..." Your son needs you, he's scared, he's crying, he needs his mommie."
My heart is breaking. Phillip is sad. I knew it. And hes crying because he needs me. Of course he needs me. I'm his mommie I was there. when he cried I was there to wipe his tears. When he hurt himself I was there. I'm his mommie I have to go to him...my baby needs me. I grew him in my body and I gave him life..and now hes dead and hes scared . And , I'm sitting here not doing nothing about it.What kind of mother am I?
NO No NO....its wrong! The Bible says so...Its wrong...I start praying,
"Jesus please come Jesus. Make this voice go away. please In the name of Jesus please God save me...I know its wrong but it sounds so right Jesus. Please wash me with your blood Lord , come now because I'm failing Lord. "
I pray and pray...all the words I grew up hearing my aunts and grandma say...they spill out of me. Prayers I have not said for years are coming from my lips. I begin to speak in tongues, something I haven't done in a long time. The sounds are unfamiliar but they are comforting. The room begins to lighten up. The shadows fade . And I feel God. Oh Jesus I feel you here with me. I feel you holding me like a child. I feel your arms wrapped around me. Lord thank you Jesus.
Thank you Jesus.
01/25/2010- Early
I sleep all day long. When I wake up I make myself go back to sleep...I dont eat. I havent eaten for days. Food tastes horrible. My body is weak and tired so I sleep.
01/24/2010- Late
I should have called someone. I should have went somewhere. But , that's never been me. I would rather run and go hide from the world. My pain is my own.
My room is filled with pictures and candles. All the lights are off and I'm sitting here with the candles flickering but its still so dark. And I'm looking at the place in the bed next to me where Phillip slept. This pain is too much. I begin to talk to him. I'm begging him to come to me , anything. Please do something.What if he thinks Ive forgotten about him. What if hes looking at me right now and hes hurting because I don't feel him? What if hes sad because he sees me hurting and he cant help me? I cant look at his picture because its like a knife through my body. Seriously. His face is just too much. I wanna be dead like him.....
I get up and get dressed and I leave the house. Once again I don't know why I walked. I could have drove but here I am walking. Its really late and its so cold. I know where I am going. I am going to the place where my son died. I wanna die too. I know that if I die in that spot we will be together again. He will come down from Heaven and take me away. He will be a grown man because that's what the bible says...He will pick up my dead soul and take me to heaven. And he will be my son again. I will be his mother and I will hold him and kiss his beautiful face. And this time it wont be cold and hard. This time it will soft and warm. And God will forgive me for killing myself. God will see that it was too much. He will understand because he had to sacrifice his child too. He knows how I feel right now.God will forgive me and let me be with Phillip again. Suicide is wrong but this isn't out of selfishness .... this is desperation. This is all I have left.All I have left to give to my son.... is my life.
I finally get to the accident scene. I sit next to the flowers that are already old and dying. They were so beautiful and now they are withered and ugly. Their colors were vibrant and alive and now they are faded and dead. I sit there and I cry. And I pray...I pray hard that God will take me...Right now , let my heart stop. Please God don't make me kill myself. You do it. Please..I'm fat and unhealthy...I smoke cigarettes constantly. I smoke other things constantly. I eat sugar and salt. Take me now. Anything. I'm lying on the side of the road like a crazy woman. I think I have finally lost my mind. Me and God have this conversation for about an hour. Only thing is he does nothing...He doesn't take me ...He doesn't kill me. I want a car to hit me and theres not even any cars!!! This is a highway...where are the cars?? And theres NONE. Not one seriously.
I walk home so sad. I have failed again. I'm still alive and my son is dead.
On the way home I feel so sad...its like a weight on my shoulders. Literally. It makes me slump from the weight. My mouth is turned down and my eyes are so heavy. I feel defeated. I went out there to die. And I punked out. I went out there to die in the spot where my son died and I failed. I have failed him again. I couldn't keep him alive and now I cant even join him. The pain is too much. This burden is too heavy for my shoulders.
My room is filled with pictures and candles. All the lights are off and I'm sitting here with the candles flickering but its still so dark. And I'm looking at the place in the bed next to me where Phillip slept. This pain is too much. I begin to talk to him. I'm begging him to come to me , anything. Please do something.What if he thinks Ive forgotten about him. What if hes looking at me right now and hes hurting because I don't feel him? What if hes sad because he sees me hurting and he cant help me? I cant look at his picture because its like a knife through my body. Seriously. His face is just too much. I wanna be dead like him.....
I get up and get dressed and I leave the house. Once again I don't know why I walked. I could have drove but here I am walking. Its really late and its so cold. I know where I am going. I am going to the place where my son died. I wanna die too. I know that if I die in that spot we will be together again. He will come down from Heaven and take me away. He will be a grown man because that's what the bible says...He will pick up my dead soul and take me to heaven. And he will be my son again. I will be his mother and I will hold him and kiss his beautiful face. And this time it wont be cold and hard. This time it will soft and warm. And God will forgive me for killing myself. God will see that it was too much. He will understand because he had to sacrifice his child too. He knows how I feel right now.God will forgive me and let me be with Phillip again. Suicide is wrong but this isn't out of selfishness .... this is desperation. This is all I have left.All I have left to give to my son.... is my life.
I finally get to the accident scene. I sit next to the flowers that are already old and dying. They were so beautiful and now they are withered and ugly. Their colors were vibrant and alive and now they are faded and dead. I sit there and I cry. And I pray...I pray hard that God will take me...Right now , let my heart stop. Please God don't make me kill myself. You do it. Please..I'm fat and unhealthy...I smoke cigarettes constantly. I smoke other things constantly. I eat sugar and salt. Take me now. Anything. I'm lying on the side of the road like a crazy woman. I think I have finally lost my mind. Me and God have this conversation for about an hour. Only thing is he does nothing...He doesn't take me ...He doesn't kill me. I want a car to hit me and theres not even any cars!!! This is a highway...where are the cars?? And theres NONE. Not one seriously.
I walk home so sad. I have failed again. I'm still alive and my son is dead.
On the way home I feel so sad...its like a weight on my shoulders. Literally. It makes me slump from the weight. My mouth is turned down and my eyes are so heavy. I feel defeated. I went out there to die. And I punked out. I went out there to die in the spot where my son died and I failed. I have failed him again. I couldn't keep him alive and now I cant even join him. The pain is too much. This burden is too heavy for my shoulders.
01/24/2010 (Early)
Jessica is leaving me tonight. She wants to go with her friends and I have to let her. Its the hardest thing. I get so panicky and nervous. But , I am willing , not ready to let her go.
Only thing is....
I know tonight I will be alone.
Im terrifed of tonight because I know.
I know what has been trying to get at me.
I know what has been building in me.
I know the voices in the back of my head that I have been trying to ignore.
I know
I know
I know........
Only thing is....
I know tonight I will be alone.
Im terrifed of tonight because I know.
I know what has been trying to get at me.
I know what has been building in me.
I know the voices in the back of my head that I have been trying to ignore.
I know
I know
I know........
01/23/2010 - Insurance Lady
I'm gonna try to go to work again. I'm trying , I am. I don't show anyone my pain. If I see them looking at me , I look away. My pain is my own. I don't wanna share it with anyone. I'm greedy , he was mine.
The day is actually going pretty good. I have moments but I hold them in and actually move past them. That's a first. I'm working hard and it feels great. But , I guess with all this optimism I am only setting myself up for failure. I get a message that the insurance company is trying to get ahold of me. I pray before I call. God says have faith where there is none. OK God , imma give ya this one...
The woman tells me , "Mrs .Duran, we have decided that your son was at fault so therefore we are only prepared to pay a portion of his funeral and a month of your rent."
"It was an accident woman " I reply , "He was only a child how was he at fault? No one ever means to get in an accident that's why they are called ACCIDENTS!!!" I turn into a crazy woman. Someone takes the phone from me and I fall to my knees. Its not his fault...he was a baby. He cant be blamed. He was my baby and your telling me it was his fault?? No No No , I cant handle that. I have to leave work. I'm a mess. I go to my moms and just curl up on the couch and cry. I don't want money , that's not it. But I don't want Phillip to be responsible. I want him to be this perfect innocent child and they are taking that away from me. Maybe it was his fault but I don't care .
This feels too much like he took himself away from me. And he knew better.
The day is actually going pretty good. I have moments but I hold them in and actually move past them. That's a first. I'm working hard and it feels great. But , I guess with all this optimism I am only setting myself up for failure. I get a message that the insurance company is trying to get ahold of me. I pray before I call. God says have faith where there is none. OK God , imma give ya this one...
The woman tells me , "Mrs .Duran, we have decided that your son was at fault so therefore we are only prepared to pay a portion of his funeral and a month of your rent."
"It was an accident woman " I reply , "He was only a child how was he at fault? No one ever means to get in an accident that's why they are called ACCIDENTS!!!" I turn into a crazy woman. Someone takes the phone from me and I fall to my knees. Its not his fault...he was a baby. He cant be blamed. He was my baby and your telling me it was his fault?? No No No , I cant handle that. I have to leave work. I'm a mess. I go to my moms and just curl up on the couch and cry. I don't want money , that's not it. But I don't want Phillip to be responsible. I want him to be this perfect innocent child and they are taking that away from me. Maybe it was his fault but I don't care .
This feels too much like he took himself away from me. And he knew better.
Monday, May 3, 2010
01/22/2010 - His Things.
I didnt go to work today...
Jessica had a rough time at school. I had to go pick her up.
Why cant we just go on with our lives?? It is so frustrating. I am living in hell. Hell on earth. I cant go on for the rest of my life like this..How does God expect me to wake up everyday for the rest of my life and not look at my son? I dont know how to help or comfort my daughter. Im scared to death to leave this house. I go outside and theres kids playing and my heart is just ripped out. I dont want to see stupid people walking around with their beautiful sons. My son was beautiful and now hes a freaking box of ashes...and it sucks. He was athletic and so smart and now hes nothing. Im nothing , my life is shit..he deserves a life not me.
We go through the day like robots..I feel so numb and tears are never far away. I cant stop crying and im really tired of it. My head hurts all the time because all i do is cry. Just when I think I have no more tears..here they come. EVERYTHING reminds me of him. Stupid stuff , like ill find a BB on the floor or see food he loved. Its like I just wanna sit there with a blindfold on and ear plugs. I dont want to expierience anything. I just want to be numb.
Today I decide to go through all his stuff. I got these big plastic containers to put his things in. Im standing in the closet and all his clothes are hanging there. I look around and hes everywhere. I fold everything so neat and nice and I pack them.I find lil pieces of paper and weird little things he made. All of it goes in the box. Nothing goes in the trash. This is all I have. All I have is plastic storage boxes filled with my sons things. Its soo unfair. And it hurts so bad. Its time for me to go through the dirty clothes hamper. Heres his clothes and they smell so much like him. They stink , because he always stank...and they are filthy. He was a boy and he always smelled like a boy. And its the most beautiful smell in the world to me .I hold his dirty laundry to my face and inhale deep and im almost intoxicated. My head spins and my heart flutters because he is here. He is holding me and im wrapped in his arms.
But its not...Hes not here.I cry so hard. Those long gut wrenching tears that come from so deep inside of me. Its nauseating. I get sick to my stomach and have to go throw up. How do you put your childs life in boxes?? Why do I have to do this? And why am I so alone? Why did everyone leave me? Did everyone really think that I just go back to life? That I would just be okay?
Im not. Im not okay.
Jessica had a rough time at school. I had to go pick her up.
Why cant we just go on with our lives?? It is so frustrating. I am living in hell. Hell on earth. I cant go on for the rest of my life like this..How does God expect me to wake up everyday for the rest of my life and not look at my son? I dont know how to help or comfort my daughter. Im scared to death to leave this house. I go outside and theres kids playing and my heart is just ripped out. I dont want to see stupid people walking around with their beautiful sons. My son was beautiful and now hes a freaking box of ashes...and it sucks. He was athletic and so smart and now hes nothing. Im nothing , my life is shit..he deserves a life not me.
We go through the day like robots..I feel so numb and tears are never far away. I cant stop crying and im really tired of it. My head hurts all the time because all i do is cry. Just when I think I have no more tears..here they come. EVERYTHING reminds me of him. Stupid stuff , like ill find a BB on the floor or see food he loved. Its like I just wanna sit there with a blindfold on and ear plugs. I dont want to expierience anything. I just want to be numb.
Today I decide to go through all his stuff. I got these big plastic containers to put his things in. Im standing in the closet and all his clothes are hanging there. I look around and hes everywhere. I fold everything so neat and nice and I pack them.I find lil pieces of paper and weird little things he made. All of it goes in the box. Nothing goes in the trash. This is all I have. All I have is plastic storage boxes filled with my sons things. Its soo unfair. And it hurts so bad. Its time for me to go through the dirty clothes hamper. Heres his clothes and they smell so much like him. They stink , because he always stank...and they are filthy. He was a boy and he always smelled like a boy. And its the most beautiful smell in the world to me .I hold his dirty laundry to my face and inhale deep and im almost intoxicated. My head spins and my heart flutters because he is here. He is holding me and im wrapped in his arms.
But its not...Hes not here.I cry so hard. Those long gut wrenching tears that come from so deep inside of me. Its nauseating. I get sick to my stomach and have to go throw up. How do you put your childs life in boxes?? Why do I have to do this? And why am I so alone? Why did everyone leave me? Did everyone really think that I just go back to life? That I would just be okay?
Im not. Im not okay.
Friday, April 30, 2010
Second Chance - Shinedown
My nephew sang me this song for Phillip . He sat me down and sang it to me with his guitar... I look around and see all these hurting people there are so many more than just me........
Thursday, April 29, 2010
1/20/2010 - First Day Back To Work
Today I am going back to work....no matter what.
I get up and I get dressed and I go back to work and Jessica goes back to school. Phillip doesnt go anywhere because he is dead and sitting in a box at home.
My whole life I have always had office jobs , I never have done like manual labor. My job now is hard.I work in a meat department of a grocery store where we also have a big clientel of deer processing. Its a very physically hard job.
I had already called my boss and asked him to ever so gently tell people that I just wanted to come back to work. I didnt want to talk I just wanted to work. You see , almost everyone at my job knew my son Phillip. He was always comming up there. Phillip spent alot of his time suspended so he would come up to my work. He would sit in the little cafe and eat everything. Everyone liked him , of course he made everyone smile.He was always in the parking lot entertaining us on our breaks. He would be riding his bike and doing tricks for us. He was just a really cool kid....oh my baby.
I get there and I think..."This is the last place I ever saw my son". That sucks. I feel like everyone is looking at me. They probably werent or maybe they were...who knows. I spend all day busting my butt and lovin it. On our breaks we always go sit outside in the front of the store...remember thats where Phillip was all the time. Im scared. Inside Im trying so hard to keep it together. Everyone thinks I am just so strong. They are fools. I am standing at the edge of an abyss and im screaming and yelling for anyone to push me in. I start to feel panicky and I go to the bathroom. I go in and Im so mad at myself. "Dont you dare cry, you stupid woman!" I said to myself, "You hold it together! Your stupid stupid crybaby".
And I did , I held it in. There were no tears ...yet.
We are finishing up for the day and thats when we take these water hoses and spray everything in the cutting room down to clean. Im in there and Im doing it and I look at the time. Its almost that time. I remember the last time I was here doing this , my son was still alive. Not for much longer but he was. I keep looking up through the big glass window and Im looking for him. I want him to be there like he was that day. That stupid horrible day. But he's not. I finally lose it. I cant hold it in anymore. Im crying and hosing down the room . My co-workers ask if im okay, and I tell them that I just gotta get this out. I just need to cry for a second cause Ive been holding it in all day. But Im crying because the last time Phillip was here I was mad and annoyed at him. If he came now I would be so happy to see him . I would give him anything. If just this once when I look up he'll be standing there I would give my soul. Even if I had to die right at that moment and never see him again , it would have been enough because then he wouldnt be dead. he would be able to finish his life. And I would have been happy to sacrifice my soul just to let him live.
I get up and I get dressed and I go back to work and Jessica goes back to school. Phillip doesnt go anywhere because he is dead and sitting in a box at home.
My whole life I have always had office jobs , I never have done like manual labor. My job now is hard.I work in a meat department of a grocery store where we also have a big clientel of deer processing. Its a very physically hard job.
I had already called my boss and asked him to ever so gently tell people that I just wanted to come back to work. I didnt want to talk I just wanted to work. You see , almost everyone at my job knew my son Phillip. He was always comming up there. Phillip spent alot of his time suspended so he would come up to my work. He would sit in the little cafe and eat everything. Everyone liked him , of course he made everyone smile.He was always in the parking lot entertaining us on our breaks. He would be riding his bike and doing tricks for us. He was just a really cool kid....oh my baby.
I get there and I think..."This is the last place I ever saw my son". That sucks. I feel like everyone is looking at me. They probably werent or maybe they were...who knows. I spend all day busting my butt and lovin it. On our breaks we always go sit outside in the front of the store...remember thats where Phillip was all the time. Im scared. Inside Im trying so hard to keep it together. Everyone thinks I am just so strong. They are fools. I am standing at the edge of an abyss and im screaming and yelling for anyone to push me in. I start to feel panicky and I go to the bathroom. I go in and Im so mad at myself. "Dont you dare cry, you stupid woman!" I said to myself, "You hold it together! Your stupid stupid crybaby".
And I did , I held it in. There were no tears ...yet.
We are finishing up for the day and thats when we take these water hoses and spray everything in the cutting room down to clean. Im in there and Im doing it and I look at the time. Its almost that time. I remember the last time I was here doing this , my son was still alive. Not for much longer but he was. I keep looking up through the big glass window and Im looking for him. I want him to be there like he was that day. That stupid horrible day. But he's not. I finally lose it. I cant hold it in anymore. Im crying and hosing down the room . My co-workers ask if im okay, and I tell them that I just gotta get this out. I just need to cry for a second cause Ive been holding it in all day. But Im crying because the last time Phillip was here I was mad and annoyed at him. If he came now I would be so happy to see him . I would give him anything. If just this once when I look up he'll be standing there I would give my soul. Even if I had to die right at that moment and never see him again , it would have been enough because then he wouldnt be dead. he would be able to finish his life. And I would have been happy to sacrifice my soul just to let him live.
Wednesday, April 28, 2010
01/18/2010 - That Man
Its late again....house is dark and I'm really struggling . What is bothering me the most is that man. When I say that man I'm talking about the man who hit and killed my son. I look at the police report and it has his name and address and phone number. The thing is , it has mine too. Why hasn't he contacted me. I want to talk to him. I want to look at him and see the man that ended my sons life. OK so it was an accident . And??? If I am to believe that God has a plan. That nothing happens by chance then it was Gods plans to choose that exact man. He didn't just happen to be driving by. For some reason , this man was chosen. Shouldn't we meet? Shouldn't he come and tell me hes sorry? I don't want to be angry at him . I do but I'm bigger than that. i throw on clothes and I start walking toward his way. I have the address, I don't know exactly where it is but I have an idea. (***I don't know why I didn't drive.***) Its cold and real foggy out. Its about five miles or so to his house but I don't care. I'm walking and I'm smoking and I'm crying. I find the road and start looking for the house number. Before I can think I'm standing in front of the car that killed my son.I'm so angry. I want to bust all the windows out and flat the tires. I want to destroy it . I want it to be dead too. And then I look at the house. This man didn't have alot of money. The police report said he was unemployed. The house is shabby. Paint is peeling off the wood and the grass is overgrown. I'm standing there and I'm looking at the house and I'm thinking, I wonder if hes asleep? I wonder if he ever cries? Oh I hope hes okay..All of a sudden compassion fills me and I start to begin to worry. Yes Tricina he killed your son, and that's tragic. But how must he feel? One side of me is angry and the other is hurting for him . I want to rip his body apart and I want to hug and comfort him. I hate everything he is but I love him too because he sat there. He stayed at the accident. He stayed long after he could have left. He saw my baby dying and I didn't . I want to hold him so maybe I can draw some of those energies out. I wanna know what he saw. I wanna know how my son looked when he laid there bleeding and broken.I wanna know if it was true, did he die instantly or did he maybe call out to me?I wanna know so bad. I wanna know. Oh Jesus why cant I have been there? Lord don't you know that that was MY baby , not yours. he didn't belong to you or this stupid man . He belonged to me and you robbed me of that. You robbed me of holding him and making sure that he was OK. Even if he was gonna die not to be scared that mommie was there with him. I wanna tell this man that its OK and I wanna condemn him to hell all at the same time.I start to walk up to the door but then turn and leave. I start walking home and I'm a crazy woman. I'm screaming and crying. I'm so glad the police didn't see me. I get home and I'm dirty and tired. I'm so tired. I fall asleep almost the second my head hits the pillow.
01/15/2010 - My Fathers Birthday
Today is my fathers birthday. My father was Phillip Allen Robinson. While I was pregnant with Jessica my father passed away. When my son was born I wanted to name him..Andrew Phillip Duran after my dad and his dad. But my oh so wonderful husband (that was a joke) filled out the birth certificate while i was asleep and named him Phillip Andrew Duran. He also signed my name.hmmm.
But I'm glad he did because my son reminded me in so many ways of my daddy.
Every year on this day I make a big dinner and birthday cake. I always want my children to remember their grandfather even though they never met him. Well I guess that's not true now. I'm really hoping that at that second that my baby left this world that my daddy was there to snatch him up. In fact I'm counting on that for my sanity.
I'm not making anything today.No cake no food. Nothing.
The past week has been hell. Just a day after day routine of instability. I still wont let Jessica go to school. Every morning I try. I swear I do. But I panic. I am so scared that i will never see her again. I know its not fair. Am I holding her back. I don't care. I don't care about anything. I spend my nights awake , torturing myself. I want to hurt . I want to feel the pain.
But I'm glad he did because my son reminded me in so many ways of my daddy.
Every year on this day I make a big dinner and birthday cake. I always want my children to remember their grandfather even though they never met him. Well I guess that's not true now. I'm really hoping that at that second that my baby left this world that my daddy was there to snatch him up. In fact I'm counting on that for my sanity.
I'm not making anything today.No cake no food. Nothing.
The past week has been hell. Just a day after day routine of instability. I still wont let Jessica go to school. Every morning I try. I swear I do. But I panic. I am so scared that i will never see her again. I know its not fair. Am I holding her back. I don't care. I don't care about anything. I spend my nights awake , torturing myself. I want to hurt . I want to feel the pain.
01/11/2010- Hiding From The World
Its Monday. My daughter gets up to go to school and I panic. "I cant let you go , im sorry ," I tell her. "Please just give me one more day?"
She agrees and goes back to sleep. I sit there looking at her and im so scared. I dont want her to ever leave this house again. The devil came and stole my son what if he wants to take my daughter too. Everyone gets up and gets ready for work . I hate the way they look at me . "You havent slept have you?" They all say. I just shake my head. I want to yell and cuss them out. There is this ugliness inside of me. I hate it. Im not a mean person but peoples questions seem stupid to me. Everything sounds stupid. Nothing makes sense. I cant wait for everyone to leave.
Everyone leaves and Im wishing they were back. Im so confused. Jessica is asleep and I dont want to wake her up so I go take a shower. I want to cry. But I need to be alone to do it.
I get out of the shower and I take some sleeping pills someone gave me. Im not a pill taker but Im so tired. I sleep like the dead...I wish.
She agrees and goes back to sleep. I sit there looking at her and im so scared. I dont want her to ever leave this house again. The devil came and stole my son what if he wants to take my daughter too. Everyone gets up and gets ready for work . I hate the way they look at me . "You havent slept have you?" They all say. I just shake my head. I want to yell and cuss them out. There is this ugliness inside of me. I hate it. Im not a mean person but peoples questions seem stupid to me. Everything sounds stupid. Nothing makes sense. I cant wait for everyone to leave.
Everyone leaves and Im wishing they were back. Im so confused. Jessica is asleep and I dont want to wake her up so I go take a shower. I want to cry. But I need to be alone to do it.
I get out of the shower and I take some sleeping pills someone gave me. Im not a pill taker but Im so tired. I sleep like the dead...I wish.
01/10/2010 Late Late at night
I spent the evening putting the house back in order. I moved all of the stuff from the tables into my room. I feel like im a zombie. Im walking around and im cleaning and rearranging like normal. But , if you ask me a question then you almost have to snap my thoughts back into reality. My body is tingly and numb. Im smoking way too many ciggarrettes and staying so high . It helps. I dont care what anyone thinks. It helps.
Its 3am and Im about to lose my mind....The house is so dark. All of the normal house noises that people get used to over time are freaking me out. I wanna scream but i dont want to scare everyone else in the house. Im pacing the floors and im crying so bad. I just want to hold him one more time. How can this be real? Why cant i just wake up from this nightmare. Doesnt God know that he was my world. How could God do this to me. i know Ive been a sinner for all of my life. But me and God weve always had this wonderful private relationship. He knows me better than anyone else right? So how does he think Im gonna survve this? Why would I even want to? Thats what blowing my mind. Why do I even want to wake up every morning? I go outside and sit in the cold dark backyard by myself. I lay on the wet grass and I cry. I dont want anyone to hear me. I lay there like a fool in the middle of the night and I cry. I wish this could be a movie and Ill see his spirit slowly materialize out of the night. He will tell me , "Mama , dont cry. I am okay. I didnt want to leave you but I had to. I love you" I want to see him and hear his voice. But this isnt a movie and that doesnt happen. I look up at the stars and the clouds and Im so hurt by God.Why did you take my baby? It would have been better for me to die. Because Jessica and Phillip would have comforted eachother. They would have been ok. But not this. Oh lord not this. My baby was gonna be everything. He was gonna take care of me. He loved me. No one ever loved me the way he did.
Its 3am and Im about to lose my mind....The house is so dark. All of the normal house noises that people get used to over time are freaking me out. I wanna scream but i dont want to scare everyone else in the house. Im pacing the floors and im crying so bad. I just want to hold him one more time. How can this be real? Why cant i just wake up from this nightmare. Doesnt God know that he was my world. How could God do this to me. i know Ive been a sinner for all of my life. But me and God weve always had this wonderful private relationship. He knows me better than anyone else right? So how does he think Im gonna survve this? Why would I even want to? Thats what blowing my mind. Why do I even want to wake up every morning? I go outside and sit in the cold dark backyard by myself. I lay on the wet grass and I cry. I dont want anyone to hear me. I lay there like a fool in the middle of the night and I cry. I wish this could be a movie and Ill see his spirit slowly materialize out of the night. He will tell me , "Mama , dont cry. I am okay. I didnt want to leave you but I had to. I love you" I want to see him and hear his voice. But this isnt a movie and that doesnt happen. I look up at the stars and the clouds and Im so hurt by God.Why did you take my baby? It would have been better for me to die. Because Jessica and Phillip would have comforted eachother. They would have been ok. But not this. Oh lord not this. My baby was gonna be everything. He was gonna take care of me. He loved me. No one ever loved me the way he did.
Tuesday, April 27, 2010
01/10/2010 -The Day After Neva after Ever
This morning I woke up with a hangover and a headache. Yucky
But it was worth it because my house is full of sleeping bodies everywhere. It is a beautiful sight to me. I start cooking the biggest breakfast . Everything...I love to feed my family and friends. Each person is waking up and getting dressed. Today we have something planned.
Im cooking and I feel so peaceful. Why? I start to feel guilty.I start to feel so awful beacause these are the breakfasts that my boy loved. He loved to eat , he told me all the time that I was the best cook in the whole world and I believed him. So many times I would ask my children you want me to cook or you wanns go out. They always chose home. So now Im crying again. Damn these tears.
I have to push him out of my mind. I dont want to think about Phillip. I get so mad at myself because I feel selfish. But if I allow myself to think about him it starts to hurt so bad.
Everyone is fed and dressed and we load up all of the flowers from the house. Its time. I dont want to go. I have to go put these flowers by the road where my son died. Ive never been there with everyone , only by myself and its scares me. I hate that place. I love it too. Im so confused. I dont want people to see me sad..Im tired of people seeing me cry. And my body aches.
But none of this shows...I get dressed and load up and I have a million thoughts running through my head. But I dont say a word. My eyes are tired and my mouth is turned down but Im quiet.
Why cant I be strong? Why do I have to be so weak?
We get out there and the blood is fading a little from the ground. Im glad because I didnt want anyone to see it. I dont immediately panic. Im trying so hard to keep control and its freaking hard. I wanna run out into the street screaming like a crazy woman. Thats what I want. I want to tear off my clothes and just act like a fool.People want to look at me then Ill give them a reason. But I dont, I try to gain control.
We go back to the house and one by one everyone leaves........Im terrrified. I dont want anyone to worry but I dont want to be here by myself.I understand dont get me wrong I know everyone has to get back to their lives. They have already been
here so long. I wanna cry and scream and beg them no no please dont leave me. But I dont say a word.
But it was worth it because my house is full of sleeping bodies everywhere. It is a beautiful sight to me. I start cooking the biggest breakfast . Everything...I love to feed my family and friends. Each person is waking up and getting dressed. Today we have something planned.
Im cooking and I feel so peaceful. Why? I start to feel guilty.I start to feel so awful beacause these are the breakfasts that my boy loved. He loved to eat , he told me all the time that I was the best cook in the whole world and I believed him. So many times I would ask my children you want me to cook or you wanns go out. They always chose home. So now Im crying again. Damn these tears.
I have to push him out of my mind. I dont want to think about Phillip. I get so mad at myself because I feel selfish. But if I allow myself to think about him it starts to hurt so bad.
Everyone is fed and dressed and we load up all of the flowers from the house. Its time. I dont want to go. I have to go put these flowers by the road where my son died. Ive never been there with everyone , only by myself and its scares me. I hate that place. I love it too. Im so confused. I dont want people to see me sad..Im tired of people seeing me cry. And my body aches.
But none of this shows...I get dressed and load up and I have a million thoughts running through my head. But I dont say a word. My eyes are tired and my mouth is turned down but Im quiet.
Why cant I be strong? Why do I have to be so weak?
We get out there and the blood is fading a little from the ground. Im glad because I didnt want anyone to see it. I dont immediately panic. Im trying so hard to keep control and its freaking hard. I wanna run out into the street screaming like a crazy woman. Thats what I want. I want to tear off my clothes and just act like a fool.People want to look at me then Ill give them a reason. But I dont, I try to gain control.
We go back to the house and one by one everyone leaves........Im terrrified. I dont want anyone to worry but I dont want to be here by myself.I understand dont get me wrong I know everyone has to get back to their lives. They have already been
here so long. I wanna cry and scream and beg them no no please dont leave me. But I dont say a word.
01/09/2010
Today is the day of the funeral.......Im not prepared to post my thoughts yet on this particular day. Please understand and bear with me as I move on.
When I am finished with it I will post it.
Thank you
When I am finished with it I will post it.
Thank you
Sunday, April 25, 2010
This was from another newspaper...The Facts
Alvin school mourns student struck by car
By John Tompkins
The Facts
Published January 12, 2010
ALVIN — Students and teachers are mourning an Alvin teen who was hit and killed by a car while he was riding his bicycle.
Since classes resumed last week after the holiday break, Alvin ISD has taken measures to help Harby Junior High students and faculty deal with the loss of Phillip Duran, 13, who died Dec. 30.
“We did have extra counselors out there,” Alvin ISD spokeswoman Shirley Brothers said. “Some of the teachers took it very hard.”
Funeral services for Duran were Saturday in Pearland.
Duran was riding his bicycle with a friend in the 1700 block of Gordon Street about 6:40 p.m. Dec. 30 when he veered into traffic and was hit by a car, Alvin Police Sgt. Tim Hubbard said.
Kyle Hensley, 50, of Alvin was driving north on Gordon Street in a 2000 Pontiac Sunfire when his vehicle struck Duran, Hubbard said.
The driver “had no way of seeing him,” he said.
Duran was pronounced dead at the scene, Hubbard said. Neither the driver nor Duran’s friend were injured in the incident.
Principal Nancy Flores helped police identify Duran after the accident that day. She drove to the school that night to find a picture of him.
“Once they got it, they identified him that way,” Flores said.
In a letter sent home to Harby Junior High parents last Monday, Principal Nancy Flores told parents that students’ behavior can change dramatically after a traumatic event.
“Everyone deals with a loss differently,” Flores said. “Kids struggle with day-to-day emotions.”
Parents are encouraged to call the school if they believe their child is having problems dealing with Duran’s death, she said.
“Our counselors are well-prepared to assist both students and staff following such tragic incidents,” Flores said in the letter. “They will continue to provide assistance through the next few days and weeks.”
This was Duran’s first year at Harby after he moved to the area from Texas City, Flores said.
The seventh-grader played football and was well-liked among his teachers and fellow students, Brothers said.
Flores said Duran was a good student who used his humor to build relationships with the teachers and students.
“He was an interesting young man,” Flores said. “He made some great friends while he was here. Always smiling. A very great young man.”
Many students who had classes with Duran wrote letters to his mother last week offering their condolences.
“It was just amazing, Flores said.
Alvin school mourns student struck by car
By John Tompkins
The Facts
Published January 12, 2010
ALVIN — Students and teachers are mourning an Alvin teen who was hit and killed by a car while he was riding his bicycle.
Since classes resumed last week after the holiday break, Alvin ISD has taken measures to help Harby Junior High students and faculty deal with the loss of Phillip Duran, 13, who died Dec. 30.
“We did have extra counselors out there,” Alvin ISD spokeswoman Shirley Brothers said. “Some of the teachers took it very hard.”
Funeral services for Duran were Saturday in Pearland.
Duran was riding his bicycle with a friend in the 1700 block of Gordon Street about 6:40 p.m. Dec. 30 when he veered into traffic and was hit by a car, Alvin Police Sgt. Tim Hubbard said.
Kyle Hensley, 50, of Alvin was driving north on Gordon Street in a 2000 Pontiac Sunfire when his vehicle struck Duran, Hubbard said.
The driver “had no way of seeing him,” he said.
Duran was pronounced dead at the scene, Hubbard said. Neither the driver nor Duran’s friend were injured in the incident.
Principal Nancy Flores helped police identify Duran after the accident that day. She drove to the school that night to find a picture of him.
“Once they got it, they identified him that way,” Flores said.
In a letter sent home to Harby Junior High parents last Monday, Principal Nancy Flores told parents that students’ behavior can change dramatically after a traumatic event.
“Everyone deals with a loss differently,” Flores said. “Kids struggle with day-to-day emotions.”
Parents are encouraged to call the school if they believe their child is having problems dealing with Duran’s death, she said.
“Our counselors are well-prepared to assist both students and staff following such tragic incidents,” Flores said in the letter. “They will continue to provide assistance through the next few days and weeks.”
This was Duran’s first year at Harby after he moved to the area from Texas City, Flores said.
The seventh-grader played football and was well-liked among his teachers and fellow students, Brothers said.
Flores said Duran was a good student who used his humor to build relationships with the teachers and students.
“He was an interesting young man,” Flores said. “He made some great friends while he was here. Always smiling. A very great young man.”
Many students who had classes with Duran wrote letters to his mother last week offering their condolences.
“It was just amazing, Flores said.
the alvin sun
These are posts that people wrote on his obituary......
Reader Tributes
The following are comments from the readers. In no way do they represent the view of alvinsun.net.
The Viveros Family wrote on Jan 6, 2010 3:39 PM:
" Our son Andres attended school and played football with Phillip. I to had the pleasure of knowing Phillip for a short time and in that time he deeply touched my heart,he was an amazing young man.
Our deepest sympathy to you and your family in this time of grief.May you find piece in knowing that he is now an amazing child of god.
God Bless,
The Viveros Family "
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Misty Lou wrote on Jan 7, 2010 6:20 AM:
" My heart and prayers go out to Phillip's family and friends. I had heard of this tragedy that evening & live where the other 2 boys live. I did not know Phillip but I'm sure he was a wonderful child. May God be with ya'll during this most difficult time and the days ahead. "
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Lisa Rice wrote on Jan 7, 2010 5:27 PM:
" What a precious young man. I only knew Phillip for a short while at Harby but what a lasting impression he made on so many. He touched many hearts with that radiant smile and sweet, sweet personality. He will not be forgotten. Our deepest heartfelt sympathy go out to Phillip's family and friends. May God comfort your precious family with peace and understanding in the days ahead, as only He can do. God Bless.
Lisa Rice "
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emily wrote on Jan 8, 2010 11:38 AM:
" philip was a good friend and always makes me laugh i wish this dead didn't happen i wish he was still alive. "
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The Garcia Family wrote on Jan 10, 2010 7:10 PM:
" I was arriving home the night of the accident. When I walked up to the accident scene, I was told that the victim was a child. My heart sank and my knees trimbled. You see, we lost our 8 year old son 12 years ago and unfortunately we know how hard it hurts when something like this happens. The night of the accident I stood there by the shoulder of the road and said a prayer for your son, though I did not know him. I drive by there everyday and my heart still sinks each time. May God give your family the strenght to deal with this tragic loss, and my God Bless Phillip. "
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Richard Leal Jr. wrote on Jan 10, 2010 10:57 PM:
" I knew some Durans back in the late 1950's until I went into the military in 1965. They lived on Willis street. Cant remember their first names. Sorry. "
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Reader Tributes
The following are comments from the readers. In no way do they represent the view of alvinsun.net.
The Viveros Family wrote on Jan 6, 2010 3:39 PM:
" Our son Andres attended school and played football with Phillip. I to had the pleasure of knowing Phillip for a short time and in that time he deeply touched my heart,he was an amazing young man.
Our deepest sympathy to you and your family in this time of grief.May you find piece in knowing that he is now an amazing child of god.
God Bless,
The Viveros Family "
Report Abuse
Misty Lou wrote on Jan 7, 2010 6:20 AM:
" My heart and prayers go out to Phillip's family and friends. I had heard of this tragedy that evening & live where the other 2 boys live. I did not know Phillip but I'm sure he was a wonderful child. May God be with ya'll during this most difficult time and the days ahead. "
Report Abuse
Lisa Rice wrote on Jan 7, 2010 5:27 PM:
" What a precious young man. I only knew Phillip for a short while at Harby but what a lasting impression he made on so many. He touched many hearts with that radiant smile and sweet, sweet personality. He will not be forgotten. Our deepest heartfelt sympathy go out to Phillip's family and friends. May God comfort your precious family with peace and understanding in the days ahead, as only He can do. God Bless.
Lisa Rice "
Report Abuse
emily wrote on Jan 8, 2010 11:38 AM:
" philip was a good friend and always makes me laugh i wish this dead didn't happen i wish he was still alive. "
Report Abuse
The Garcia Family wrote on Jan 10, 2010 7:10 PM:
" I was arriving home the night of the accident. When I walked up to the accident scene, I was told that the victim was a child. My heart sank and my knees trimbled. You see, we lost our 8 year old son 12 years ago and unfortunately we know how hard it hurts when something like this happens. The night of the accident I stood there by the shoulder of the road and said a prayer for your son, though I did not know him. I drive by there everyday and my heart still sinks each time. May God give your family the strenght to deal with this tragic loss, and my God Bless Phillip. "
Report Abuse
Richard Leal Jr. wrote on Jan 10, 2010 10:57 PM:
" I knew some Durans back in the late 1950's until I went into the military in 1965. They lived on Willis street. Cant remember their first names. Sorry. "
Report Abuse
Saturday, April 24, 2010
Thursday, April 22, 2010
01/07/2010 - Visitors
My daughter comes to me today and sits on the couch next to me. She pulls the blanket from over my head and says,"Mom, I love you but you smell. Please go take a shower." I look at her and say that I don't have anything to wear. She says that she will bring me something and I go.
Showers are hard. Now before this I would shower 2-3 times a day. i was famous for taking two hour long baths. But now its hard, because these are the times that I am all alone. I'm standing there with hot water rushing over me and I'm crying again. Will these damn tears ever stop? I look out the shower window and theres the backyard. Oh great , the backyard was Phillips domain. I always said I was gonna buy a house with a huge garage that would be all his. Phillip is a tinkerer. He loves to take things apart and put them back together. He makes the strangest inventions. And the backyard here is where he did it.
Phillips bus driver comes over. Every morning I sat outside and waited for the bus. This was a cool driver because Phillip was rarely ready on time. He would wait and I have never seen a bus driver wait. Phillip would tell me that they would have long talks because he was the first one picked up and last one dropped off. His bus driver tells me that my son was amazing. He tells me that all of his years driving he never met a kid like him.He says that he had this overwhelming urge to come and tell me that my son loved the hell outta me. He says that Phillip would talk to him about how hard I was trying and how I was his hero. He says that I rode his butt constantly but allowed him to have his own personality. This man has made me so happy.
I know that Phillip loved me that's why it hurts so much.
Later that day , I have more visitors. His coaches come and see me. Phillip played football and basketball. The kid loved sports and was a natural.
(***During one of his games he was mad because the coach wasn't playing him...I was mad too. I go over and I'm like one of the stupid parents. The coach says "Just wait Mrs. Duran , Phillip is my secret weapon. So its the last quarter and Phillip is finally in the game. He sacked the quarterback four times in a row!! They won.***)
His coaches have come to see me and I'm having a bad moment. Sometimes its hard to even open my eyes because I am crying all the time. I'm sitting there looking a mess. These big football coaches are looking at me like their hearts are breaking. " Phillip was a unbelievable kid," they say "There will never be another like him, truly."
They are all teary eyed and weepy. They have brought me a football that all of the coaches and football players have signed. Its so beautiful. I hold it my arms and I think of all the games he will never play. I have always raised him to love sports and he was gonna play for the Dallas Cowboys,lol. But he was. He said he was gonna have a big house and that I could come and live with him. I wouldn't have to do anything. Just cook for him once in awhile. he says Mom , Imma take such good care of you and even if my wife complains I will divorce her because you are the mama. All of those beautiful dreams are over because my son is dead and all I have is a football.
I don't sleep tonight either.
This song is so special between me and my son...I used to sing it to him from the time he was little. Now , he never admitted to liking it (he was too cool for that) but he would dance with me.
Showers are hard. Now before this I would shower 2-3 times a day. i was famous for taking two hour long baths. But now its hard, because these are the times that I am all alone. I'm standing there with hot water rushing over me and I'm crying again. Will these damn tears ever stop? I look out the shower window and theres the backyard. Oh great , the backyard was Phillips domain. I always said I was gonna buy a house with a huge garage that would be all his. Phillip is a tinkerer. He loves to take things apart and put them back together. He makes the strangest inventions. And the backyard here is where he did it.
Phillips bus driver comes over. Every morning I sat outside and waited for the bus. This was a cool driver because Phillip was rarely ready on time. He would wait and I have never seen a bus driver wait. Phillip would tell me that they would have long talks because he was the first one picked up and last one dropped off. His bus driver tells me that my son was amazing. He tells me that all of his years driving he never met a kid like him.He says that he had this overwhelming urge to come and tell me that my son loved the hell outta me. He says that Phillip would talk to him about how hard I was trying and how I was his hero. He says that I rode his butt constantly but allowed him to have his own personality. This man has made me so happy.
I know that Phillip loved me that's why it hurts so much.
Later that day , I have more visitors. His coaches come and see me. Phillip played football and basketball. The kid loved sports and was a natural.
(***During one of his games he was mad because the coach wasn't playing him...I was mad too. I go over and I'm like one of the stupid parents. The coach says "Just wait Mrs. Duran , Phillip is my secret weapon. So its the last quarter and Phillip is finally in the game. He sacked the quarterback four times in a row!! They won.***)
His coaches have come to see me and I'm having a bad moment. Sometimes its hard to even open my eyes because I am crying all the time. I'm sitting there looking a mess. These big football coaches are looking at me like their hearts are breaking. " Phillip was a unbelievable kid," they say "There will never be another like him, truly."
They are all teary eyed and weepy. They have brought me a football that all of the coaches and football players have signed. Its so beautiful. I hold it my arms and I think of all the games he will never play. I have always raised him to love sports and he was gonna play for the Dallas Cowboys,lol. But he was. He said he was gonna have a big house and that I could come and live with him. I wouldn't have to do anything. Just cook for him once in awhile. he says Mom , Imma take such good care of you and even if my wife complains I will divorce her because you are the mama. All of those beautiful dreams are over because my son is dead and all I have is a football.
I don't sleep tonight either.
This song is so special between me and my son...I used to sing it to him from the time he was little. Now , he never admitted to liking it (he was too cool for that) but he would dance with me.
01/06/2010- The Galveston Daily News
Phillip Duran
ALVIN — Phillip Duran, 13, of Alvin, died in a tragic accident on December 30, 2009. He is preceded in death by his grandfather, Phillip Robinson.
He is survived by his parents Andrew and Tricina (Robinson) Duran; sister Jessica Duran; step-brothers Lorenzo Venegas and Louis Venegas; step-sisters Miranda Medina; grandparents Elizabeth Sadiq and Jessie and Juanita Duran of the La Marque and Galveston areas; and a host of many other family and friends.
Phillip was born on November 18, 1996 in Texas City, Texas. He was a student at Harby Junior High in Alvin where he was a good student who always made his grades. He loved football and basketball but one of his favorite pastimes was fishing, something he tried to do everyday. Phillip had a wonderful personality and made friends wherever he went. He was very handy and could fix just about anything. Phillip was always there for his family and will be greatly missed and fondly remembered.
Tricina would like to thank her employers, Stanton’s Grocery Store and Greak’s Smoke House, for their loving support during this difficult time.
A Memorial Service for Phillip will be held on Saturday, January 9, 2010, at 11:00 a.m. in the Clayton Chapel. Pastor Keith Anderson of New Harvest Christian Fellowship will be officiating.
Donations may be made in Phillip’s honor in care of Clayton Funeral Home, 5530 W. Broadway, Pearland, Texas 77581.
Clayton Funeral Home
(281)485-4446
Published January 6, 2010
ALVIN — Phillip Duran, 13, of Alvin, died in a tragic accident on December 30, 2009. He is preceded in death by his grandfather, Phillip Robinson.
He is survived by his parents Andrew and Tricina (Robinson) Duran; sister Jessica Duran; step-brothers Lorenzo Venegas and Louis Venegas; step-sisters Miranda Medina; grandparents Elizabeth Sadiq and Jessie and Juanita Duran of the La Marque and Galveston areas; and a host of many other family and friends.
Phillip was born on November 18, 1996 in Texas City, Texas. He was a student at Harby Junior High in Alvin where he was a good student who always made his grades. He loved football and basketball but one of his favorite pastimes was fishing, something he tried to do everyday. Phillip had a wonderful personality and made friends wherever he went. He was very handy and could fix just about anything. Phillip was always there for his family and will be greatly missed and fondly remembered.
Tricina would like to thank her employers, Stanton’s Grocery Store and Greak’s Smoke House, for their loving support during this difficult time.
A Memorial Service for Phillip will be held on Saturday, January 9, 2010, at 11:00 a.m. in the Clayton Chapel. Pastor Keith Anderson of New Harvest Christian Fellowship will be officiating.
Donations may be made in Phillip’s honor in care of Clayton Funeral Home, 5530 W. Broadway, Pearland, Texas 77581.
Clayton Funeral Home
(281)485-4446
Published January 6, 2010
01/05/2010 - Another bad day
Today was a bad day.
As soon as I opened my eyes I am crying again. All night last night I saw Phillips body.Every time I closed my eyes that's what I saw. I was walking in that room again, reliveing it all over again.My chest hurts too and my eyes are so swollen from crying. I have bags underneath them too. I don't want to talk to anyone today. I walk outside early this morning and the buses passing by tear at my heart. Its so unfair. Phillips supposed to be getting up for school. I hate going outside to smoke a cigarette. Phillip never ever let me go by myself. Every time he would come outside with me and sit there and ask me questions. Questions about my life or things I have done. He thought I was cool. What a joke. I'm not the cool one he is. My thoughts are never far from him. Its freaking torture. Someone asks me , "Do you want some coffee?" I think , Phillip liked coffee, I wouldn't let him drink it though. Someone says, "Are you hungry?" Your joking right? Food? My son cant eat. I hate this....
People are coming and going but I'm not there today. I stay huddled in the corner of the couch with a blanket over my head. All I want to do is cry. I don't want to talk to anyone. I hate the way everyone is looking at me. I don't like being the center of attention. I wanna scream at them that I don't want to be important. Leave me alone.
I don't get dressed. I'm not brushing my hair or putting on makeup. I could care less.
I go back to the accident site and this is really torture. I'm kneeling on the ground and I'm trying to pray trying to something and it hurts so much. I stand up and turn around to face the road and I see so many hands and faces. Right at the moment I turn around is Phillips bus. Full of his friends and co students. They are all waving frantically and the bus driver is honking. That was beautiful, but I can hardly hold my tears in. I don't want the kids on the bus to see me cry so I stand there and I hold it in. And its hard to do , believe me. When they are at a safe distance , I fall to the ground a mess. Ive got dirt all on my pants and hands and I don't care. I hate this place.
Im up almost all night. Its so hard to sleep.I close my eyes and I see horrible things.I pace the house while everyone is asleep. Why cant I feel him? Im his mother shouldnt I feel him or have some connection. I look in the mirror and the reflection scares me. Its been a week and I look like Ive aged 10 years. Really.My hands are sweating all the time. Im constantly rubbing them together to dry them. Why are my hands sweaty? Its dark and its so quiet. I really cant sleep in my room. I guess I can say it now , but my big ole 13 year old was a mommas boy. He slept in the bed with me everynight. I walk in there in the dead...(dead) of the night and my bed is empty.
As soon as I opened my eyes I am crying again. All night last night I saw Phillips body.Every time I closed my eyes that's what I saw. I was walking in that room again, reliveing it all over again.My chest hurts too and my eyes are so swollen from crying. I have bags underneath them too. I don't want to talk to anyone today. I walk outside early this morning and the buses passing by tear at my heart. Its so unfair. Phillips supposed to be getting up for school. I hate going outside to smoke a cigarette. Phillip never ever let me go by myself. Every time he would come outside with me and sit there and ask me questions. Questions about my life or things I have done. He thought I was cool. What a joke. I'm not the cool one he is. My thoughts are never far from him. Its freaking torture. Someone asks me , "Do you want some coffee?" I think , Phillip liked coffee, I wouldn't let him drink it though. Someone says, "Are you hungry?" Your joking right? Food? My son cant eat. I hate this....
People are coming and going but I'm not there today. I stay huddled in the corner of the couch with a blanket over my head. All I want to do is cry. I don't want to talk to anyone. I hate the way everyone is looking at me. I don't like being the center of attention. I wanna scream at them that I don't want to be important. Leave me alone.
I don't get dressed. I'm not brushing my hair or putting on makeup. I could care less.
I go back to the accident site and this is really torture. I'm kneeling on the ground and I'm trying to pray trying to something and it hurts so much. I stand up and turn around to face the road and I see so many hands and faces. Right at the moment I turn around is Phillips bus. Full of his friends and co students. They are all waving frantically and the bus driver is honking. That was beautiful, but I can hardly hold my tears in. I don't want the kids on the bus to see me cry so I stand there and I hold it in. And its hard to do , believe me. When they are at a safe distance , I fall to the ground a mess. Ive got dirt all on my pants and hands and I don't care. I hate this place.
Im up almost all night. Its so hard to sleep.I close my eyes and I see horrible things.I pace the house while everyone is asleep. Why cant I feel him? Im his mother shouldnt I feel him or have some connection. I look in the mirror and the reflection scares me. Its been a week and I look like Ive aged 10 years. Really.My hands are sweating all the time. Im constantly rubbing them together to dry them. Why are my hands sweaty? Its dark and its so quiet. I really cant sleep in my room. I guess I can say it now , but my big ole 13 year old was a mommas boy. He slept in the bed with me everynight. I walk in there in the dead...(dead) of the night and my bed is empty.
Tuesday, April 20, 2010
01/04/2010 - The Viewing Of Phillip
Today is the day I have to go see my son.
I wake up and I put on a brave face, but that lasts like two minutes. I cant stop crying. Tears are endless. I'm shaking. On the way there I convince myself that its not him. That everyone is gonna feel so stupid because its not Phillip. They made a mistake. It sounds crazy but I actually believed that. I just knew I was gonna walk in there and laugh and say , "Ha! I knew it. That's not my son!"
We pull up and my heart is beating fast. In my head I'm making all kinds of promises to God. God , if this isn't him Ill never sin again. If you give him back I will do anything. Ill trade places with him in a second. I will burn in hell for eternity if this can not be him.
We walk in and the man shows me a door. He says ,"Phillips in there." I'm still thinking the jokes on them.....
I open the door and way across the room is my son. I only glance at him for a second then I look away. That's all it took. I would have known my baby any where. I'm screaming again, "That's my son , that's my son." Yes, everyone is nodding. That's your son. I compose myself as best as possible and I walk over to him. It hurts unbelievably. I feel like my chest is gonna explode. I have loved this kid every day for thirteen years...loved him deeply and truly and here he is. I'm standing over him and hes so beautiful to me. This is my man. This is the one thing I swore I was gonna do right.
I touch his face and its cold and hard but it feels wonderful. I touch his hair and its so soft. He needs a haircut. Ive been putting off getting him one waiting for Christmas break to be over. He has way too much makeup on. He wouldn't like that so I start rubbing it off. His face is badly bruised. His ear is blue. I'm laying across his chest now. I'm holding him like hes a baby again. His chest is still. His heart isn't beating anymore.It feels funny too . I guess they had to build it back up where the tires caved it in.I pull a chair next to him and watch as the other people say their goodbyes. I keep looking at his beautiful face. Gosh , he is so handsome. Long girly eyelashes and big full lips. He would have been a heart breaker.Finally its just me and him. I think everyone is still here but they have faded into the background. Its just me and my son. I begin to kiss him. Full on the mouth like a lover almost. The feel of his lips on mine is intoxicating. I kiss his face and his eyes and his hair. Every inch of his face I caress and kiss, it feels heavenly.
I run my face across his , I put our cheeks on each other. I press his mouth all on my face. My soul is dying right now. right at this moment a part of my soul is separating from the rest and floating away. I will never be happy again because here is my joy. laying in front of me. I lift the cover and look at his feet and legs. Such a tall boy. Phillip was 5'10" at thirteen.I grab his hand and pull it toward my face. His arm is stiff but i force it. I'm sitting there holding his hand rubbing it all over my face. Its wonderful. This is my son. And I'm so proud of him because even in death he is beautiful.
Everyone else has their turn and its time to go. I look at him and I actually felt a moment of peace. Like hes telling me ,"Mama quit being a crybaby." I almost laugh.
I wake up and I put on a brave face, but that lasts like two minutes. I cant stop crying. Tears are endless. I'm shaking. On the way there I convince myself that its not him. That everyone is gonna feel so stupid because its not Phillip. They made a mistake. It sounds crazy but I actually believed that. I just knew I was gonna walk in there and laugh and say , "Ha! I knew it. That's not my son!"
We pull up and my heart is beating fast. In my head I'm making all kinds of promises to God. God , if this isn't him Ill never sin again. If you give him back I will do anything. Ill trade places with him in a second. I will burn in hell for eternity if this can not be him.
We walk in and the man shows me a door. He says ,"Phillips in there." I'm still thinking the jokes on them.....
I open the door and way across the room is my son. I only glance at him for a second then I look away. That's all it took. I would have known my baby any where. I'm screaming again, "That's my son , that's my son." Yes, everyone is nodding. That's your son. I compose myself as best as possible and I walk over to him. It hurts unbelievably. I feel like my chest is gonna explode. I have loved this kid every day for thirteen years...loved him deeply and truly and here he is. I'm standing over him and hes so beautiful to me. This is my man. This is the one thing I swore I was gonna do right.
I touch his face and its cold and hard but it feels wonderful. I touch his hair and its so soft. He needs a haircut. Ive been putting off getting him one waiting for Christmas break to be over. He has way too much makeup on. He wouldn't like that so I start rubbing it off. His face is badly bruised. His ear is blue. I'm laying across his chest now. I'm holding him like hes a baby again. His chest is still. His heart isn't beating anymore.It feels funny too . I guess they had to build it back up where the tires caved it in.I pull a chair next to him and watch as the other people say their goodbyes. I keep looking at his beautiful face. Gosh , he is so handsome. Long girly eyelashes and big full lips. He would have been a heart breaker.Finally its just me and him. I think everyone is still here but they have faded into the background. Its just me and my son. I begin to kiss him. Full on the mouth like a lover almost. The feel of his lips on mine is intoxicating. I kiss his face and his eyes and his hair. Every inch of his face I caress and kiss, it feels heavenly.
I run my face across his , I put our cheeks on each other. I press his mouth all on my face. My soul is dying right now. right at this moment a part of my soul is separating from the rest and floating away. I will never be happy again because here is my joy. laying in front of me. I lift the cover and look at his feet and legs. Such a tall boy. Phillip was 5'10" at thirteen.I grab his hand and pull it toward my face. His arm is stiff but i force it. I'm sitting there holding his hand rubbing it all over my face. Its wonderful. This is my son. And I'm so proud of him because even in death he is beautiful.
Everyone else has their turn and its time to go. I look at him and I actually felt a moment of peace. Like hes telling me ,"Mama quit being a crybaby." I almost laugh.
1/3/2010 - The Police Report
People still in and out.
They set up a table with pictures and candles...and things that belonged to him. His football, his fishing pole. All his favorite things.
I get the police report and they tell me that My son and his friend were crossing the highway. Phillip was waiting in the middle lane and his friend tries to cross. Theres a car and the car swerves to miss his friend and runs right into my Phillip. So he wasnt wrong. He did know better. They tell me he was run over .That the tires ran over his chest and killed him instantly. My son was drug under the car. My beautiful baby was so hurt and I wasnt there. Its killing me. The pain is too much. Images of the accident I never saw flash through my head constantly. I see his bloody broken body. I feel the impact of the car.
And who is this driver? I have his name and address. I know hes a 50 year old white man. Im not mad at him. I want him to tell me hes sorry. They say he sat out there till they took my sons body away. I want to talk to him. I want to know.....
Everyone telling me no, i shouldnt ask . But, I wanna know.I want the details. I wanna know if he cried or called for me. They say he was dead instantly but maybe there is more. Why hasnt this man called me? How could he not?
I go out to the site of the accident. There are blood stains on the ground. I stand there and I think , this is where my sons soul left this earth. Im crying so bad. Theres are spray paint markings everywhere. Blood in a long drug out pattern shows where my son was. I wanna die too. I wanna get hit by a car too and die in this spot because maybe then I can hold him again. People are passing by and slowing down and paying their respects. This is a small town. Everyone knows. Im on my knees trying to find the words to pray, crying like my heart has been ripped out. But no prayer comes only tears.
I wanna leave but i know there is something I want to do.
(*** You have to understand that I am a fan of Horror films and books , so what I did next I did outta love.***)
I walk off by myself and I say , "Phillip if you are here...if your spirit is stuck in this place where you died then, be free. Come with me or go to Heaven. Be free son."
1/01/2010 New Years Day
First day of a new year...I'm not cooking this year. Usually I make the biggest meal but no reason to celebrate a new year.
I have to go to the funeral home. I don't want to go. I cant go and make arrangements. It sounds crazy to me. They want me to tell them what to do with my dead sons body.My mom and sister make me get up and get dressed. I pull on clothes that they bought for me . I don't care what I'm wearing. I feel like I'm in the middle of a horrible dream. Like any second I'm gonna wake up and its all gonna be over. Phillip is gonna be at home and I'm gonna yell at him for making me a nervous wreck.
But its not a dream....
I decide that I want his body cremated. I don't want anyone to see him dead. I want people to remember my wild son alive and free. Not in a casket. He is too beautiful for that. I want a private viewing for me because i know that if i don't see him it will never be real to me. But after that I want him cremated.
Its nighttime and I have to do a very hard thing. Phillips daddy , my husband is in jail. We have been seperated for 11 years but now I have to tell him his only son is dead. My brother calls the jail and they tell him that they will let Andrew know that there is an emergency and he has to call his wife.
Im outside with my best friend and the phone rings. Its him. I answer and hes frantic..."Whats going on , Tricina?" I open my mouth but only noise comes out.
Im trying to say Phillip but it sounds more like Fa fa fa. I couldnt say it. My friend takes the phone and tells Andrew. She hands me back the phone and I try to explain what little I know. We are both crying. Our son.
I have to go to the funeral home. I don't want to go. I cant go and make arrangements. It sounds crazy to me. They want me to tell them what to do with my dead sons body.My mom and sister make me get up and get dressed. I pull on clothes that they bought for me . I don't care what I'm wearing. I feel like I'm in the middle of a horrible dream. Like any second I'm gonna wake up and its all gonna be over. Phillip is gonna be at home and I'm gonna yell at him for making me a nervous wreck.
But its not a dream....
I decide that I want his body cremated. I don't want anyone to see him dead. I want people to remember my wild son alive and free. Not in a casket. He is too beautiful for that. I want a private viewing for me because i know that if i don't see him it will never be real to me. But after that I want him cremated.
Its nighttime and I have to do a very hard thing. Phillips daddy , my husband is in jail. We have been seperated for 11 years but now I have to tell him his only son is dead. My brother calls the jail and they tell him that they will let Andrew know that there is an emergency and he has to call his wife.
Im outside with my best friend and the phone rings. Its him. I answer and hes frantic..."Whats going on , Tricina?" I open my mouth but only noise comes out.
Im trying to say Phillip but it sounds more like Fa fa fa. I couldnt say it. My friend takes the phone and tells Andrew. She hands me back the phone and I try to explain what little I know. We are both crying. Our son.
12/31/2009 New Years Eve...
Its the last day of the year and my son is still not home. The house is full of people. My house has never been so full before. So many family and friends are coming and going. With each new face I have to go through it all over again. I hold them as they cry and try to comfort them. I can have no comfort. My baby is dead. Its not a reality to me. It doesn't seem real. Maybe because I havent seen him ,it hurts but its not real.My daughter Jessica is in and out of it. Every time she wakes up I shove sleeping pills down her throat to knock her out again.Its better this way.I don't want her to have to think about it. They are setting up tables and people are bringing food. I am not hungry. Food doesn't taste right.
My sister comes to stay with me and that's comforting. My mom is here but when I look at her my heart breaks. I'm glad she has her cousin here to comfort her.
Late tonight, me, Joshua and My sister go outside and pop Phillips fireworks. He was saving them for New Years Eve and here it is. But , he cant pop them. So I'm standing outside and I'm crying and we are popping fireworks. Everywhere around us I hear pops and bangs and I'm yelling, "This is for you , daddy. These are all for you son." What a sight I must have been.
My sister comes to stay with me and that's comforting. My mom is here but when I look at her my heart breaks. I'm glad she has her cousin here to comfort her.
Late tonight, me, Joshua and My sister go outside and pop Phillips fireworks. He was saving them for New Years Eve and here it is. But , he cant pop them. So I'm standing outside and I'm crying and we are popping fireworks. Everywhere around us I hear pops and bangs and I'm yelling, "This is for you , daddy. These are all for you son." What a sight I must have been.
Sunday, April 18, 2010
12/30/2009 And Finally....
I'm standing there and I'm looking at these people.I know what they are gonna tell me . I start yelling and cussing at them. "You are not coming in my house to tell me something is wrong with Phillip!" I actually slammed the door in their faces. I'm screaming like a mad woman .The policeman opens the door and I'm cussing at him. " Get the hell outta here , your not coming in here!" My daughter is there and now I remember seeing her standing there frozen. They walk in the door and I look at my mother and she is crying so bad. I'm thinking OK I gotta get it together. My son is in the hospital. I have to go to him and take care of him and nurse him back to health. But, none of these rational thoughts are coming out of my mouth. I'm angry and terrified of what they are gonna say to me. The policeman is saying something like, Your son was in an accident. I'm like oh thank god, lets go I'm ready. But, I look at my mom and she says the words that in that split second changed my life. She says, " Tricina, he's gone." Its not processing for me. I'm saying well okay lets go find him. They are all shaking their heads, "no no Mrs. Duran", the policeman says" your son didn't make it. That's when all the life went out of me. My legs give out and down I went.
(***I would always see people on TV who would scream and moan and fall on the ground all dramatically...I would think they were overacting. But its real.***)
The policeman gets me up and leads me to the couch. I'm screaming mama over and over. I'm screaming "Jesus". I must have yelled Jesus a million times. How do i accept this? I'm calling out to my son who will never hear my voice again.I'm saying No,No. I'm on the ground on my knees begging my mama to tell me its not true. The policeman is trying to talk reason to a crazy woman."Please take me to him.'" I beg. Why is he shaking his head no. "Tricina, no. I am a parent and there is no way you are going out there." he says. "No No No", I'm saying " please, I don't care if his head is over here and a arm is over there, please just take me to my baby." No , they keep telling me.I remember my daughter and she is sitting on the couch crying by herself. I go over and try to comfort her but how can I? "Oh , my baby, please give me my son."I'm telling the policeman they have made a mistake. How does he know that's my Phillip. I need to go and see for myself. He says no its already been taken care of. He's been identified. I'm telling him that hes wrong because I'm a good mother and my son loves me so much theres no way he would leave me. The lady with the bible is trying to pray for me. I'M sorry but I yell at her that I don't want prayer I want my son. I have friends there and they are crying. I'm grabbing them saying , do you hear what they are trying to tell me? They are trying to say that Phillip is dead. I stop .....because I said it. I finally said those awful words. My beautiful wonderful son is dead at thirteen years old. The coolest most down to earth and loving son in the world is dead. I look at the policeman and ask," wheres his body? " they tell me he is being transported to Galveston. I want so bad to go with him. I try to reason with them. Why cant I go and sit outside or in a waiting room? I will, i don't mind. I can just go and sit there. they tell me no that there is nothing i can do for him. they re crazy I'm the mother. A mother can always help.
I'm in a daze , I'm crying hard like I've never cried before. Horrible loud gut wrenching sobs. I feel like i cant breathe. My head is spinning. It has to be a mistake. They tell me he was run over by a car but that doesn't make any sense to me. My son wasn't like other kids , he was so smart. He knows better. How many times did I tell him watch the cars, don't trust them you be the smart one. He was responsible and trust worthy. Theres no way he would let himself get hit. I'm sitting on the couch and the policeman is in my face telling me to breathe trying to make me drink water.
(***I don't know why I remember the water but I do. Its crazy because that made me mad again. You want me to drink water. My son is gone and you think I'm thirsty?***)
They finally get up and leave. I don't want to talk to anyone. I look at my daughter and it breaks my heart. I want so bad to hold her and comfort her but all I can do is look at her. All I can do is cry and scream his name."Phillip , Phillip , Phillip , Oh my baby." That's all I can say. Mom keeps trying to pray for me but I'm angry right now. Why Why?? My mom is telling me " My heart is breaking , he was my favorite , I can say it now. He was the most precious to me" she says. I'm grabbing her and trying to pull her so close to me . I wanna go back inside her where none of this is real. I don't want this to be real.
The policeman and people leave. My body feels numb. I'm not saying anything, I'm just sitting there with tears running down my face. I cant think I cant process. All I know is my baby is gone.
My mom is on the phone calling people. Nobody believes her because she is notorious for pulling pranks but they come anyway. I don't know who comes first. But , I look and my sister walks in. Shes crying and we hold each other. There are no words. Joshua comes in and it kills me because he has been like a son to me since the day he was born. To see his heart breaking destroys me...I love him so much and I don't want him to hurt. He loved my son like a brother. They were as close as can be. Joshua was like a hero to Phillip he wanted to be just like him. My best friend and Phillips godmother comes. We hold each other and cry so hard she understands my pain because he was like a son to her too. My brothers come and they cry. I don't think I ever have seen my brothers cry before.So many people coming in and out and I'm in a daze. Finally people leave and I try to lay down to sleep. Its hard. I cant stop crying. My son is supposed to be here with me not lying in some cold morgue.
(***I would always see people on TV who would scream and moan and fall on the ground all dramatically...I would think they were overacting. But its real.***)
The policeman gets me up and leads me to the couch. I'm screaming mama over and over. I'm screaming "Jesus". I must have yelled Jesus a million times. How do i accept this? I'm calling out to my son who will never hear my voice again.I'm saying No,No. I'm on the ground on my knees begging my mama to tell me its not true. The policeman is trying to talk reason to a crazy woman."Please take me to him.'" I beg. Why is he shaking his head no. "Tricina, no. I am a parent and there is no way you are going out there." he says. "No No No", I'm saying " please, I don't care if his head is over here and a arm is over there, please just take me to my baby." No , they keep telling me.I remember my daughter and she is sitting on the couch crying by herself. I go over and try to comfort her but how can I? "Oh , my baby, please give me my son."I'm telling the policeman they have made a mistake. How does he know that's my Phillip. I need to go and see for myself. He says no its already been taken care of. He's been identified. I'm telling him that hes wrong because I'm a good mother and my son loves me so much theres no way he would leave me. The lady with the bible is trying to pray for me. I'M sorry but I yell at her that I don't want prayer I want my son. I have friends there and they are crying. I'm grabbing them saying , do you hear what they are trying to tell me? They are trying to say that Phillip is dead. I stop .....because I said it. I finally said those awful words. My beautiful wonderful son is dead at thirteen years old. The coolest most down to earth and loving son in the world is dead. I look at the policeman and ask," wheres his body? " they tell me he is being transported to Galveston. I want so bad to go with him. I try to reason with them. Why cant I go and sit outside or in a waiting room? I will, i don't mind. I can just go and sit there. they tell me no that there is nothing i can do for him. they re crazy I'm the mother. A mother can always help.
I'm in a daze , I'm crying hard like I've never cried before. Horrible loud gut wrenching sobs. I feel like i cant breathe. My head is spinning. It has to be a mistake. They tell me he was run over by a car but that doesn't make any sense to me. My son wasn't like other kids , he was so smart. He knows better. How many times did I tell him watch the cars, don't trust them you be the smart one. He was responsible and trust worthy. Theres no way he would let himself get hit. I'm sitting on the couch and the policeman is in my face telling me to breathe trying to make me drink water.
(***I don't know why I remember the water but I do. Its crazy because that made me mad again. You want me to drink water. My son is gone and you think I'm thirsty?***)
They finally get up and leave. I don't want to talk to anyone. I look at my daughter and it breaks my heart. I want so bad to hold her and comfort her but all I can do is look at her. All I can do is cry and scream his name."Phillip , Phillip , Phillip , Oh my baby." That's all I can say. Mom keeps trying to pray for me but I'm angry right now. Why Why?? My mom is telling me " My heart is breaking , he was my favorite , I can say it now. He was the most precious to me" she says. I'm grabbing her and trying to pull her so close to me . I wanna go back inside her where none of this is real. I don't want this to be real.
The policeman and people leave. My body feels numb. I'm not saying anything, I'm just sitting there with tears running down my face. I cant think I cant process. All I know is my baby is gone.
My mom is on the phone calling people. Nobody believes her because she is notorious for pulling pranks but they come anyway. I don't know who comes first. But , I look and my sister walks in. Shes crying and we hold each other. There are no words. Joshua comes in and it kills me because he has been like a son to me since the day he was born. To see his heart breaking destroys me...I love him so much and I don't want him to hurt. He loved my son like a brother. They were as close as can be. Joshua was like a hero to Phillip he wanted to be just like him. My best friend and Phillips godmother comes. We hold each other and cry so hard she understands my pain because he was like a son to her too. My brothers come and they cry. I don't think I ever have seen my brothers cry before.So many people coming in and out and I'm in a daze. Finally people leave and I try to lay down to sleep. Its hard. I cant stop crying. My son is supposed to be here with me not lying in some cold morgue.
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