Hello and thank you for joining me on this emotional roller coaster that I would never wish on anyone. If you've never been to this blog before let me tell you some things that might help you. Its better to start at the beginning and for me that was 12/30/2009...if you look to the right you will see blog archive,you can start at the top and work your way down.The beginning is April 18, 2010, It just makes it easier. And everyone please feel free to leave comments or anything you want. I know alot of you have your own special memories that maybe you want to share. Its up to you. I will tell you that this blog is very blunt and very real. Im sorry if it offends anyone , thats not my intention. When I first starting writing it I knew that I would end up telling alot of my little "secrets". But , for me to find my healing I had to face who I really was and the life history that has made me the woman I am today.These are my opinions and views. But, ultimately this is for me not you. So , thank you again and may God bless u.



Cina



Monday, May 3, 2010

01/22/2010 - His Things.

I didnt go to work today...
Jessica had a rough time at school. I had to go pick her up.
Why cant we just go on with our lives?? It is so frustrating. I am living in hell. Hell on earth. I cant go on for the rest of my life like this..How does God expect me to wake up everyday for the rest of my life and not look at my son? I dont know how to help or comfort my daughter. Im scared to death to leave this house. I go outside and theres kids playing and my heart is just ripped out. I dont want to see stupid people walking around with their beautiful sons. My son was beautiful and now hes a freaking box of ashes...and it sucks. He was athletic and so smart and now hes nothing. Im nothing , my life is shit..he deserves a life not me.

We go through the day like robots..I feel so numb and tears are never far away. I cant stop crying and im really tired of it. My head hurts all the time because all i do is cry. Just when I think I have no more tears..here they come. EVERYTHING reminds me of him. Stupid stuff , like ill find a BB on the floor or see food he loved. Its like I just wanna sit there with a blindfold on and ear plugs. I dont want to expierience anything. I just want to be numb.

Today I decide to go through all his stuff. I got these big plastic containers to put his things in. Im standing in the closet and all his clothes are hanging there. I look around and hes everywhere. I fold everything so neat and nice and I pack them.I find lil pieces of paper and weird little things he made. All of it goes in the box. Nothing goes in the trash. This is all I have. All I have is plastic storage boxes filled with my sons things. Its soo unfair. And it hurts so bad. Its time for me to go through the dirty clothes hamper. Heres his clothes and they smell so much like him. They stink , because he always stank...and they are filthy. He was a boy and he always smelled like a boy. And its the most beautiful smell in the world to me .I hold his dirty laundry to my face and inhale deep and im almost intoxicated. My head spins and my heart flutters because he is here. He is holding me and im wrapped in his arms.

But its not...Hes not here.I cry so hard. Those long gut wrenching tears that come from so deep inside of me. Its nauseating. I get sick to my stomach and have to go throw up. How do you put your childs life in boxes?? Why do I have to do this? And why am I so alone? Why did everyone leave me? Did everyone really think that I just go back to life? That I would just be okay?


Im not. Im not okay.
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