My nephew sang me this song for Phillip . He sat me down and sang it to me with his guitar... I look around and see all these hurting people there are so many more than just me........
Friday, April 30, 2010
Thursday, April 29, 2010
1/20/2010 - First Day Back To Work
Today I am going back to work....no matter what.
I get up and I get dressed and I go back to work and Jessica goes back to school. Phillip doesnt go anywhere because he is dead and sitting in a box at home.
My whole life I have always had office jobs , I never have done like manual labor. My job now is hard.I work in a meat department of a grocery store where we also have a big clientel of deer processing. Its a very physically hard job.
I had already called my boss and asked him to ever so gently tell people that I just wanted to come back to work. I didnt want to talk I just wanted to work. You see , almost everyone at my job knew my son Phillip. He was always comming up there. Phillip spent alot of his time suspended so he would come up to my work. He would sit in the little cafe and eat everything. Everyone liked him , of course he made everyone smile.He was always in the parking lot entertaining us on our breaks. He would be riding his bike and doing tricks for us. He was just a really cool kid....oh my baby.
I get there and I think..."This is the last place I ever saw my son". That sucks. I feel like everyone is looking at me. They probably werent or maybe they were...who knows. I spend all day busting my butt and lovin it. On our breaks we always go sit outside in the front of the store...remember thats where Phillip was all the time. Im scared. Inside Im trying so hard to keep it together. Everyone thinks I am just so strong. They are fools. I am standing at the edge of an abyss and im screaming and yelling for anyone to push me in. I start to feel panicky and I go to the bathroom. I go in and Im so mad at myself. "Dont you dare cry, you stupid woman!" I said to myself, "You hold it together! Your stupid stupid crybaby".
And I did , I held it in. There were no tears ...yet.
We are finishing up for the day and thats when we take these water hoses and spray everything in the cutting room down to clean. Im in there and Im doing it and I look at the time. Its almost that time. I remember the last time I was here doing this , my son was still alive. Not for much longer but he was. I keep looking up through the big glass window and Im looking for him. I want him to be there like he was that day. That stupid horrible day. But he's not. I finally lose it. I cant hold it in anymore. Im crying and hosing down the room . My co-workers ask if im okay, and I tell them that I just gotta get this out. I just need to cry for a second cause Ive been holding it in all day. But Im crying because the last time Phillip was here I was mad and annoyed at him. If he came now I would be so happy to see him . I would give him anything. If just this once when I look up he'll be standing there I would give my soul. Even if I had to die right at that moment and never see him again , it would have been enough because then he wouldnt be dead. he would be able to finish his life. And I would have been happy to sacrifice my soul just to let him live.
I get up and I get dressed and I go back to work and Jessica goes back to school. Phillip doesnt go anywhere because he is dead and sitting in a box at home.
My whole life I have always had office jobs , I never have done like manual labor. My job now is hard.I work in a meat department of a grocery store where we also have a big clientel of deer processing. Its a very physically hard job.
I had already called my boss and asked him to ever so gently tell people that I just wanted to come back to work. I didnt want to talk I just wanted to work. You see , almost everyone at my job knew my son Phillip. He was always comming up there. Phillip spent alot of his time suspended so he would come up to my work. He would sit in the little cafe and eat everything. Everyone liked him , of course he made everyone smile.He was always in the parking lot entertaining us on our breaks. He would be riding his bike and doing tricks for us. He was just a really cool kid....oh my baby.
I get there and I think..."This is the last place I ever saw my son". That sucks. I feel like everyone is looking at me. They probably werent or maybe they were...who knows. I spend all day busting my butt and lovin it. On our breaks we always go sit outside in the front of the store...remember thats where Phillip was all the time. Im scared. Inside Im trying so hard to keep it together. Everyone thinks I am just so strong. They are fools. I am standing at the edge of an abyss and im screaming and yelling for anyone to push me in. I start to feel panicky and I go to the bathroom. I go in and Im so mad at myself. "Dont you dare cry, you stupid woman!" I said to myself, "You hold it together! Your stupid stupid crybaby".
And I did , I held it in. There were no tears ...yet.
We are finishing up for the day and thats when we take these water hoses and spray everything in the cutting room down to clean. Im in there and Im doing it and I look at the time. Its almost that time. I remember the last time I was here doing this , my son was still alive. Not for much longer but he was. I keep looking up through the big glass window and Im looking for him. I want him to be there like he was that day. That stupid horrible day. But he's not. I finally lose it. I cant hold it in anymore. Im crying and hosing down the room . My co-workers ask if im okay, and I tell them that I just gotta get this out. I just need to cry for a second cause Ive been holding it in all day. But Im crying because the last time Phillip was here I was mad and annoyed at him. If he came now I would be so happy to see him . I would give him anything. If just this once when I look up he'll be standing there I would give my soul. Even if I had to die right at that moment and never see him again , it would have been enough because then he wouldnt be dead. he would be able to finish his life. And I would have been happy to sacrifice my soul just to let him live.
Wednesday, April 28, 2010
01/18/2010 - That Man
Its late again....house is dark and I'm really struggling . What is bothering me the most is that man. When I say that man I'm talking about the man who hit and killed my son. I look at the police report and it has his name and address and phone number. The thing is , it has mine too. Why hasn't he contacted me. I want to talk to him. I want to look at him and see the man that ended my sons life. OK so it was an accident . And??? If I am to believe that God has a plan. That nothing happens by chance then it was Gods plans to choose that exact man. He didn't just happen to be driving by. For some reason , this man was chosen. Shouldn't we meet? Shouldn't he come and tell me hes sorry? I don't want to be angry at him . I do but I'm bigger than that. i throw on clothes and I start walking toward his way. I have the address, I don't know exactly where it is but I have an idea. (***I don't know why I didn't drive.***) Its cold and real foggy out. Its about five miles or so to his house but I don't care. I'm walking and I'm smoking and I'm crying. I find the road and start looking for the house number. Before I can think I'm standing in front of the car that killed my son.I'm so angry. I want to bust all the windows out and flat the tires. I want to destroy it . I want it to be dead too. And then I look at the house. This man didn't have alot of money. The police report said he was unemployed. The house is shabby. Paint is peeling off the wood and the grass is overgrown. I'm standing there and I'm looking at the house and I'm thinking, I wonder if hes asleep? I wonder if he ever cries? Oh I hope hes okay..All of a sudden compassion fills me and I start to begin to worry. Yes Tricina he killed your son, and that's tragic. But how must he feel? One side of me is angry and the other is hurting for him . I want to rip his body apart and I want to hug and comfort him. I hate everything he is but I love him too because he sat there. He stayed at the accident. He stayed long after he could have left. He saw my baby dying and I didn't . I want to hold him so maybe I can draw some of those energies out. I wanna know what he saw. I wanna know how my son looked when he laid there bleeding and broken.I wanna know if it was true, did he die instantly or did he maybe call out to me?I wanna know so bad. I wanna know. Oh Jesus why cant I have been there? Lord don't you know that that was MY baby , not yours. he didn't belong to you or this stupid man . He belonged to me and you robbed me of that. You robbed me of holding him and making sure that he was OK. Even if he was gonna die not to be scared that mommie was there with him. I wanna tell this man that its OK and I wanna condemn him to hell all at the same time.I start to walk up to the door but then turn and leave. I start walking home and I'm a crazy woman. I'm screaming and crying. I'm so glad the police didn't see me. I get home and I'm dirty and tired. I'm so tired. I fall asleep almost the second my head hits the pillow.
01/15/2010 - My Fathers Birthday
Today is my fathers birthday. My father was Phillip Allen Robinson. While I was pregnant with Jessica my father passed away. When my son was born I wanted to name him..Andrew Phillip Duran after my dad and his dad. But my oh so wonderful husband (that was a joke) filled out the birth certificate while i was asleep and named him Phillip Andrew Duran. He also signed my name.hmmm.
But I'm glad he did because my son reminded me in so many ways of my daddy.
Every year on this day I make a big dinner and birthday cake. I always want my children to remember their grandfather even though they never met him. Well I guess that's not true now. I'm really hoping that at that second that my baby left this world that my daddy was there to snatch him up. In fact I'm counting on that for my sanity.
I'm not making anything today.No cake no food. Nothing.
The past week has been hell. Just a day after day routine of instability. I still wont let Jessica go to school. Every morning I try. I swear I do. But I panic. I am so scared that i will never see her again. I know its not fair. Am I holding her back. I don't care. I don't care about anything. I spend my nights awake , torturing myself. I want to hurt . I want to feel the pain.
But I'm glad he did because my son reminded me in so many ways of my daddy.
Every year on this day I make a big dinner and birthday cake. I always want my children to remember their grandfather even though they never met him. Well I guess that's not true now. I'm really hoping that at that second that my baby left this world that my daddy was there to snatch him up. In fact I'm counting on that for my sanity.
I'm not making anything today.No cake no food. Nothing.
The past week has been hell. Just a day after day routine of instability. I still wont let Jessica go to school. Every morning I try. I swear I do. But I panic. I am so scared that i will never see her again. I know its not fair. Am I holding her back. I don't care. I don't care about anything. I spend my nights awake , torturing myself. I want to hurt . I want to feel the pain.
01/11/2010- Hiding From The World
Its Monday. My daughter gets up to go to school and I panic. "I cant let you go , im sorry ," I tell her. "Please just give me one more day?"
She agrees and goes back to sleep. I sit there looking at her and im so scared. I dont want her to ever leave this house again. The devil came and stole my son what if he wants to take my daughter too. Everyone gets up and gets ready for work . I hate the way they look at me . "You havent slept have you?" They all say. I just shake my head. I want to yell and cuss them out. There is this ugliness inside of me. I hate it. Im not a mean person but peoples questions seem stupid to me. Everything sounds stupid. Nothing makes sense. I cant wait for everyone to leave.
Everyone leaves and Im wishing they were back. Im so confused. Jessica is asleep and I dont want to wake her up so I go take a shower. I want to cry. But I need to be alone to do it.
I get out of the shower and I take some sleeping pills someone gave me. Im not a pill taker but Im so tired. I sleep like the dead...I wish.
She agrees and goes back to sleep. I sit there looking at her and im so scared. I dont want her to ever leave this house again. The devil came and stole my son what if he wants to take my daughter too. Everyone gets up and gets ready for work . I hate the way they look at me . "You havent slept have you?" They all say. I just shake my head. I want to yell and cuss them out. There is this ugliness inside of me. I hate it. Im not a mean person but peoples questions seem stupid to me. Everything sounds stupid. Nothing makes sense. I cant wait for everyone to leave.
Everyone leaves and Im wishing they were back. Im so confused. Jessica is asleep and I dont want to wake her up so I go take a shower. I want to cry. But I need to be alone to do it.
I get out of the shower and I take some sleeping pills someone gave me. Im not a pill taker but Im so tired. I sleep like the dead...I wish.
01/10/2010 Late Late at night
I spent the evening putting the house back in order. I moved all of the stuff from the tables into my room. I feel like im a zombie. Im walking around and im cleaning and rearranging like normal. But , if you ask me a question then you almost have to snap my thoughts back into reality. My body is tingly and numb. Im smoking way too many ciggarrettes and staying so high . It helps. I dont care what anyone thinks. It helps.
Its 3am and Im about to lose my mind....The house is so dark. All of the normal house noises that people get used to over time are freaking me out. I wanna scream but i dont want to scare everyone else in the house. Im pacing the floors and im crying so bad. I just want to hold him one more time. How can this be real? Why cant i just wake up from this nightmare. Doesnt God know that he was my world. How could God do this to me. i know Ive been a sinner for all of my life. But me and God weve always had this wonderful private relationship. He knows me better than anyone else right? So how does he think Im gonna survve this? Why would I even want to? Thats what blowing my mind. Why do I even want to wake up every morning? I go outside and sit in the cold dark backyard by myself. I lay on the wet grass and I cry. I dont want anyone to hear me. I lay there like a fool in the middle of the night and I cry. I wish this could be a movie and Ill see his spirit slowly materialize out of the night. He will tell me , "Mama , dont cry. I am okay. I didnt want to leave you but I had to. I love you" I want to see him and hear his voice. But this isnt a movie and that doesnt happen. I look up at the stars and the clouds and Im so hurt by God.Why did you take my baby? It would have been better for me to die. Because Jessica and Phillip would have comforted eachother. They would have been ok. But not this. Oh lord not this. My baby was gonna be everything. He was gonna take care of me. He loved me. No one ever loved me the way he did.
Its 3am and Im about to lose my mind....The house is so dark. All of the normal house noises that people get used to over time are freaking me out. I wanna scream but i dont want to scare everyone else in the house. Im pacing the floors and im crying so bad. I just want to hold him one more time. How can this be real? Why cant i just wake up from this nightmare. Doesnt God know that he was my world. How could God do this to me. i know Ive been a sinner for all of my life. But me and God weve always had this wonderful private relationship. He knows me better than anyone else right? So how does he think Im gonna survve this? Why would I even want to? Thats what blowing my mind. Why do I even want to wake up every morning? I go outside and sit in the cold dark backyard by myself. I lay on the wet grass and I cry. I dont want anyone to hear me. I lay there like a fool in the middle of the night and I cry. I wish this could be a movie and Ill see his spirit slowly materialize out of the night. He will tell me , "Mama , dont cry. I am okay. I didnt want to leave you but I had to. I love you" I want to see him and hear his voice. But this isnt a movie and that doesnt happen. I look up at the stars and the clouds and Im so hurt by God.Why did you take my baby? It would have been better for me to die. Because Jessica and Phillip would have comforted eachother. They would have been ok. But not this. Oh lord not this. My baby was gonna be everything. He was gonna take care of me. He loved me. No one ever loved me the way he did.
Tuesday, April 27, 2010
01/10/2010 -The Day After Neva after Ever
This morning I woke up with a hangover and a headache. Yucky
But it was worth it because my house is full of sleeping bodies everywhere. It is a beautiful sight to me. I start cooking the biggest breakfast . Everything...I love to feed my family and friends. Each person is waking up and getting dressed. Today we have something planned.
Im cooking and I feel so peaceful. Why? I start to feel guilty.I start to feel so awful beacause these are the breakfasts that my boy loved. He loved to eat , he told me all the time that I was the best cook in the whole world and I believed him. So many times I would ask my children you want me to cook or you wanns go out. They always chose home. So now Im crying again. Damn these tears.
I have to push him out of my mind. I dont want to think about Phillip. I get so mad at myself because I feel selfish. But if I allow myself to think about him it starts to hurt so bad.
Everyone is fed and dressed and we load up all of the flowers from the house. Its time. I dont want to go. I have to go put these flowers by the road where my son died. Ive never been there with everyone , only by myself and its scares me. I hate that place. I love it too. Im so confused. I dont want people to see me sad..Im tired of people seeing me cry. And my body aches.
But none of this shows...I get dressed and load up and I have a million thoughts running through my head. But I dont say a word. My eyes are tired and my mouth is turned down but Im quiet.
Why cant I be strong? Why do I have to be so weak?
We get out there and the blood is fading a little from the ground. Im glad because I didnt want anyone to see it. I dont immediately panic. Im trying so hard to keep control and its freaking hard. I wanna run out into the street screaming like a crazy woman. Thats what I want. I want to tear off my clothes and just act like a fool.People want to look at me then Ill give them a reason. But I dont, I try to gain control.
We go back to the house and one by one everyone leaves........Im terrrified. I dont want anyone to worry but I dont want to be here by myself.I understand dont get me wrong I know everyone has to get back to their lives. They have already been
here so long. I wanna cry and scream and beg them no no please dont leave me. But I dont say a word.
But it was worth it because my house is full of sleeping bodies everywhere. It is a beautiful sight to me. I start cooking the biggest breakfast . Everything...I love to feed my family and friends. Each person is waking up and getting dressed. Today we have something planned.
Im cooking and I feel so peaceful. Why? I start to feel guilty.I start to feel so awful beacause these are the breakfasts that my boy loved. He loved to eat , he told me all the time that I was the best cook in the whole world and I believed him. So many times I would ask my children you want me to cook or you wanns go out. They always chose home. So now Im crying again. Damn these tears.
I have to push him out of my mind. I dont want to think about Phillip. I get so mad at myself because I feel selfish. But if I allow myself to think about him it starts to hurt so bad.
Everyone is fed and dressed and we load up all of the flowers from the house. Its time. I dont want to go. I have to go put these flowers by the road where my son died. Ive never been there with everyone , only by myself and its scares me. I hate that place. I love it too. Im so confused. I dont want people to see me sad..Im tired of people seeing me cry. And my body aches.
But none of this shows...I get dressed and load up and I have a million thoughts running through my head. But I dont say a word. My eyes are tired and my mouth is turned down but Im quiet.
Why cant I be strong? Why do I have to be so weak?
We get out there and the blood is fading a little from the ground. Im glad because I didnt want anyone to see it. I dont immediately panic. Im trying so hard to keep control and its freaking hard. I wanna run out into the street screaming like a crazy woman. Thats what I want. I want to tear off my clothes and just act like a fool.People want to look at me then Ill give them a reason. But I dont, I try to gain control.
We go back to the house and one by one everyone leaves........Im terrrified. I dont want anyone to worry but I dont want to be here by myself.I understand dont get me wrong I know everyone has to get back to their lives. They have already been
here so long. I wanna cry and scream and beg them no no please dont leave me. But I dont say a word.
01/09/2010
Today is the day of the funeral.......Im not prepared to post my thoughts yet on this particular day. Please understand and bear with me as I move on.
When I am finished with it I will post it.
Thank you
When I am finished with it I will post it.
Thank you
Sunday, April 25, 2010
This was from another newspaper...The Facts
Alvin school mourns student struck by car
By John Tompkins
The Facts
Published January 12, 2010
ALVIN — Students and teachers are mourning an Alvin teen who was hit and killed by a car while he was riding his bicycle.
Since classes resumed last week after the holiday break, Alvin ISD has taken measures to help Harby Junior High students and faculty deal with the loss of Phillip Duran, 13, who died Dec. 30.
“We did have extra counselors out there,” Alvin ISD spokeswoman Shirley Brothers said. “Some of the teachers took it very hard.”
Funeral services for Duran were Saturday in Pearland.
Duran was riding his bicycle with a friend in the 1700 block of Gordon Street about 6:40 p.m. Dec. 30 when he veered into traffic and was hit by a car, Alvin Police Sgt. Tim Hubbard said.
Kyle Hensley, 50, of Alvin was driving north on Gordon Street in a 2000 Pontiac Sunfire when his vehicle struck Duran, Hubbard said.
The driver “had no way of seeing him,” he said.
Duran was pronounced dead at the scene, Hubbard said. Neither the driver nor Duran’s friend were injured in the incident.
Principal Nancy Flores helped police identify Duran after the accident that day. She drove to the school that night to find a picture of him.
“Once they got it, they identified him that way,” Flores said.
In a letter sent home to Harby Junior High parents last Monday, Principal Nancy Flores told parents that students’ behavior can change dramatically after a traumatic event.
“Everyone deals with a loss differently,” Flores said. “Kids struggle with day-to-day emotions.”
Parents are encouraged to call the school if they believe their child is having problems dealing with Duran’s death, she said.
“Our counselors are well-prepared to assist both students and staff following such tragic incidents,” Flores said in the letter. “They will continue to provide assistance through the next few days and weeks.”
This was Duran’s first year at Harby after he moved to the area from Texas City, Flores said.
The seventh-grader played football and was well-liked among his teachers and fellow students, Brothers said.
Flores said Duran was a good student who used his humor to build relationships with the teachers and students.
“He was an interesting young man,” Flores said. “He made some great friends while he was here. Always smiling. A very great young man.”
Many students who had classes with Duran wrote letters to his mother last week offering their condolences.
“It was just amazing, Flores said.
Alvin school mourns student struck by car
By John Tompkins
The Facts
Published January 12, 2010
ALVIN — Students and teachers are mourning an Alvin teen who was hit and killed by a car while he was riding his bicycle.
Since classes resumed last week after the holiday break, Alvin ISD has taken measures to help Harby Junior High students and faculty deal with the loss of Phillip Duran, 13, who died Dec. 30.
“We did have extra counselors out there,” Alvin ISD spokeswoman Shirley Brothers said. “Some of the teachers took it very hard.”
Funeral services for Duran were Saturday in Pearland.
Duran was riding his bicycle with a friend in the 1700 block of Gordon Street about 6:40 p.m. Dec. 30 when he veered into traffic and was hit by a car, Alvin Police Sgt. Tim Hubbard said.
Kyle Hensley, 50, of Alvin was driving north on Gordon Street in a 2000 Pontiac Sunfire when his vehicle struck Duran, Hubbard said.
The driver “had no way of seeing him,” he said.
Duran was pronounced dead at the scene, Hubbard said. Neither the driver nor Duran’s friend were injured in the incident.
Principal Nancy Flores helped police identify Duran after the accident that day. She drove to the school that night to find a picture of him.
“Once they got it, they identified him that way,” Flores said.
In a letter sent home to Harby Junior High parents last Monday, Principal Nancy Flores told parents that students’ behavior can change dramatically after a traumatic event.
“Everyone deals with a loss differently,” Flores said. “Kids struggle with day-to-day emotions.”
Parents are encouraged to call the school if they believe their child is having problems dealing with Duran’s death, she said.
“Our counselors are well-prepared to assist both students and staff following such tragic incidents,” Flores said in the letter. “They will continue to provide assistance through the next few days and weeks.”
This was Duran’s first year at Harby after he moved to the area from Texas City, Flores said.
The seventh-grader played football and was well-liked among his teachers and fellow students, Brothers said.
Flores said Duran was a good student who used his humor to build relationships with the teachers and students.
“He was an interesting young man,” Flores said. “He made some great friends while he was here. Always smiling. A very great young man.”
Many students who had classes with Duran wrote letters to his mother last week offering their condolences.
“It was just amazing, Flores said.
the alvin sun
These are posts that people wrote on his obituary......
Reader Tributes
The following are comments from the readers. In no way do they represent the view of alvinsun.net.
The Viveros Family wrote on Jan 6, 2010 3:39 PM:
" Our son Andres attended school and played football with Phillip. I to had the pleasure of knowing Phillip for a short time and in that time he deeply touched my heart,he was an amazing young man.
Our deepest sympathy to you and your family in this time of grief.May you find piece in knowing that he is now an amazing child of god.
God Bless,
The Viveros Family "
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Misty Lou wrote on Jan 7, 2010 6:20 AM:
" My heart and prayers go out to Phillip's family and friends. I had heard of this tragedy that evening & live where the other 2 boys live. I did not know Phillip but I'm sure he was a wonderful child. May God be with ya'll during this most difficult time and the days ahead. "
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Lisa Rice wrote on Jan 7, 2010 5:27 PM:
" What a precious young man. I only knew Phillip for a short while at Harby but what a lasting impression he made on so many. He touched many hearts with that radiant smile and sweet, sweet personality. He will not be forgotten. Our deepest heartfelt sympathy go out to Phillip's family and friends. May God comfort your precious family with peace and understanding in the days ahead, as only He can do. God Bless.
Lisa Rice "
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emily wrote on Jan 8, 2010 11:38 AM:
" philip was a good friend and always makes me laugh i wish this dead didn't happen i wish he was still alive. "
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The Garcia Family wrote on Jan 10, 2010 7:10 PM:
" I was arriving home the night of the accident. When I walked up to the accident scene, I was told that the victim was a child. My heart sank and my knees trimbled. You see, we lost our 8 year old son 12 years ago and unfortunately we know how hard it hurts when something like this happens. The night of the accident I stood there by the shoulder of the road and said a prayer for your son, though I did not know him. I drive by there everyday and my heart still sinks each time. May God give your family the strenght to deal with this tragic loss, and my God Bless Phillip. "
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Richard Leal Jr. wrote on Jan 10, 2010 10:57 PM:
" I knew some Durans back in the late 1950's until I went into the military in 1965. They lived on Willis street. Cant remember their first names. Sorry. "
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Reader Tributes
The following are comments from the readers. In no way do they represent the view of alvinsun.net.
The Viveros Family wrote on Jan 6, 2010 3:39 PM:
" Our son Andres attended school and played football with Phillip. I to had the pleasure of knowing Phillip for a short time and in that time he deeply touched my heart,he was an amazing young man.
Our deepest sympathy to you and your family in this time of grief.May you find piece in knowing that he is now an amazing child of god.
God Bless,
The Viveros Family "
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Misty Lou wrote on Jan 7, 2010 6:20 AM:
" My heart and prayers go out to Phillip's family and friends. I had heard of this tragedy that evening & live where the other 2 boys live. I did not know Phillip but I'm sure he was a wonderful child. May God be with ya'll during this most difficult time and the days ahead. "
Report Abuse
Lisa Rice wrote on Jan 7, 2010 5:27 PM:
" What a precious young man. I only knew Phillip for a short while at Harby but what a lasting impression he made on so many. He touched many hearts with that radiant smile and sweet, sweet personality. He will not be forgotten. Our deepest heartfelt sympathy go out to Phillip's family and friends. May God comfort your precious family with peace and understanding in the days ahead, as only He can do. God Bless.
Lisa Rice "
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emily wrote on Jan 8, 2010 11:38 AM:
" philip was a good friend and always makes me laugh i wish this dead didn't happen i wish he was still alive. "
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The Garcia Family wrote on Jan 10, 2010 7:10 PM:
" I was arriving home the night of the accident. When I walked up to the accident scene, I was told that the victim was a child. My heart sank and my knees trimbled. You see, we lost our 8 year old son 12 years ago and unfortunately we know how hard it hurts when something like this happens. The night of the accident I stood there by the shoulder of the road and said a prayer for your son, though I did not know him. I drive by there everyday and my heart still sinks each time. May God give your family the strenght to deal with this tragic loss, and my God Bless Phillip. "
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Richard Leal Jr. wrote on Jan 10, 2010 10:57 PM:
" I knew some Durans back in the late 1950's until I went into the military in 1965. They lived on Willis street. Cant remember their first names. Sorry. "
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Saturday, April 24, 2010
Thursday, April 22, 2010
01/07/2010 - Visitors
My daughter comes to me today and sits on the couch next to me. She pulls the blanket from over my head and says,"Mom, I love you but you smell. Please go take a shower." I look at her and say that I don't have anything to wear. She says that she will bring me something and I go.
Showers are hard. Now before this I would shower 2-3 times a day. i was famous for taking two hour long baths. But now its hard, because these are the times that I am all alone. I'm standing there with hot water rushing over me and I'm crying again. Will these damn tears ever stop? I look out the shower window and theres the backyard. Oh great , the backyard was Phillips domain. I always said I was gonna buy a house with a huge garage that would be all his. Phillip is a tinkerer. He loves to take things apart and put them back together. He makes the strangest inventions. And the backyard here is where he did it.
Phillips bus driver comes over. Every morning I sat outside and waited for the bus. This was a cool driver because Phillip was rarely ready on time. He would wait and I have never seen a bus driver wait. Phillip would tell me that they would have long talks because he was the first one picked up and last one dropped off. His bus driver tells me that my son was amazing. He tells me that all of his years driving he never met a kid like him.He says that he had this overwhelming urge to come and tell me that my son loved the hell outta me. He says that Phillip would talk to him about how hard I was trying and how I was his hero. He says that I rode his butt constantly but allowed him to have his own personality. This man has made me so happy.
I know that Phillip loved me that's why it hurts so much.
Later that day , I have more visitors. His coaches come and see me. Phillip played football and basketball. The kid loved sports and was a natural.
(***During one of his games he was mad because the coach wasn't playing him...I was mad too. I go over and I'm like one of the stupid parents. The coach says "Just wait Mrs. Duran , Phillip is my secret weapon. So its the last quarter and Phillip is finally in the game. He sacked the quarterback four times in a row!! They won.***)
His coaches have come to see me and I'm having a bad moment. Sometimes its hard to even open my eyes because I am crying all the time. I'm sitting there looking a mess. These big football coaches are looking at me like their hearts are breaking. " Phillip was a unbelievable kid," they say "There will never be another like him, truly."
They are all teary eyed and weepy. They have brought me a football that all of the coaches and football players have signed. Its so beautiful. I hold it my arms and I think of all the games he will never play. I have always raised him to love sports and he was gonna play for the Dallas Cowboys,lol. But he was. He said he was gonna have a big house and that I could come and live with him. I wouldn't have to do anything. Just cook for him once in awhile. he says Mom , Imma take such good care of you and even if my wife complains I will divorce her because you are the mama. All of those beautiful dreams are over because my son is dead and all I have is a football.
I don't sleep tonight either.
This song is so special between me and my son...I used to sing it to him from the time he was little. Now , he never admitted to liking it (he was too cool for that) but he would dance with me.
Showers are hard. Now before this I would shower 2-3 times a day. i was famous for taking two hour long baths. But now its hard, because these are the times that I am all alone. I'm standing there with hot water rushing over me and I'm crying again. Will these damn tears ever stop? I look out the shower window and theres the backyard. Oh great , the backyard was Phillips domain. I always said I was gonna buy a house with a huge garage that would be all his. Phillip is a tinkerer. He loves to take things apart and put them back together. He makes the strangest inventions. And the backyard here is where he did it.
Phillips bus driver comes over. Every morning I sat outside and waited for the bus. This was a cool driver because Phillip was rarely ready on time. He would wait and I have never seen a bus driver wait. Phillip would tell me that they would have long talks because he was the first one picked up and last one dropped off. His bus driver tells me that my son was amazing. He tells me that all of his years driving he never met a kid like him.He says that he had this overwhelming urge to come and tell me that my son loved the hell outta me. He says that Phillip would talk to him about how hard I was trying and how I was his hero. He says that I rode his butt constantly but allowed him to have his own personality. This man has made me so happy.
I know that Phillip loved me that's why it hurts so much.
Later that day , I have more visitors. His coaches come and see me. Phillip played football and basketball. The kid loved sports and was a natural.
(***During one of his games he was mad because the coach wasn't playing him...I was mad too. I go over and I'm like one of the stupid parents. The coach says "Just wait Mrs. Duran , Phillip is my secret weapon. So its the last quarter and Phillip is finally in the game. He sacked the quarterback four times in a row!! They won.***)
His coaches have come to see me and I'm having a bad moment. Sometimes its hard to even open my eyes because I am crying all the time. I'm sitting there looking a mess. These big football coaches are looking at me like their hearts are breaking. " Phillip was a unbelievable kid," they say "There will never be another like him, truly."
They are all teary eyed and weepy. They have brought me a football that all of the coaches and football players have signed. Its so beautiful. I hold it my arms and I think of all the games he will never play. I have always raised him to love sports and he was gonna play for the Dallas Cowboys,lol. But he was. He said he was gonna have a big house and that I could come and live with him. I wouldn't have to do anything. Just cook for him once in awhile. he says Mom , Imma take such good care of you and even if my wife complains I will divorce her because you are the mama. All of those beautiful dreams are over because my son is dead and all I have is a football.
I don't sleep tonight either.
This song is so special between me and my son...I used to sing it to him from the time he was little. Now , he never admitted to liking it (he was too cool for that) but he would dance with me.
01/06/2010- The Galveston Daily News
Phillip Duran
ALVIN — Phillip Duran, 13, of Alvin, died in a tragic accident on December 30, 2009. He is preceded in death by his grandfather, Phillip Robinson.
He is survived by his parents Andrew and Tricina (Robinson) Duran; sister Jessica Duran; step-brothers Lorenzo Venegas and Louis Venegas; step-sisters Miranda Medina; grandparents Elizabeth Sadiq and Jessie and Juanita Duran of the La Marque and Galveston areas; and a host of many other family and friends.
Phillip was born on November 18, 1996 in Texas City, Texas. He was a student at Harby Junior High in Alvin where he was a good student who always made his grades. He loved football and basketball but one of his favorite pastimes was fishing, something he tried to do everyday. Phillip had a wonderful personality and made friends wherever he went. He was very handy and could fix just about anything. Phillip was always there for his family and will be greatly missed and fondly remembered.
Tricina would like to thank her employers, Stanton’s Grocery Store and Greak’s Smoke House, for their loving support during this difficult time.
A Memorial Service for Phillip will be held on Saturday, January 9, 2010, at 11:00 a.m. in the Clayton Chapel. Pastor Keith Anderson of New Harvest Christian Fellowship will be officiating.
Donations may be made in Phillip’s honor in care of Clayton Funeral Home, 5530 W. Broadway, Pearland, Texas 77581.
Clayton Funeral Home
(281)485-4446
Published January 6, 2010
ALVIN — Phillip Duran, 13, of Alvin, died in a tragic accident on December 30, 2009. He is preceded in death by his grandfather, Phillip Robinson.
He is survived by his parents Andrew and Tricina (Robinson) Duran; sister Jessica Duran; step-brothers Lorenzo Venegas and Louis Venegas; step-sisters Miranda Medina; grandparents Elizabeth Sadiq and Jessie and Juanita Duran of the La Marque and Galveston areas; and a host of many other family and friends.
Phillip was born on November 18, 1996 in Texas City, Texas. He was a student at Harby Junior High in Alvin where he was a good student who always made his grades. He loved football and basketball but one of his favorite pastimes was fishing, something he tried to do everyday. Phillip had a wonderful personality and made friends wherever he went. He was very handy and could fix just about anything. Phillip was always there for his family and will be greatly missed and fondly remembered.
Tricina would like to thank her employers, Stanton’s Grocery Store and Greak’s Smoke House, for their loving support during this difficult time.
A Memorial Service for Phillip will be held on Saturday, January 9, 2010, at 11:00 a.m. in the Clayton Chapel. Pastor Keith Anderson of New Harvest Christian Fellowship will be officiating.
Donations may be made in Phillip’s honor in care of Clayton Funeral Home, 5530 W. Broadway, Pearland, Texas 77581.
Clayton Funeral Home
(281)485-4446
Published January 6, 2010
01/05/2010 - Another bad day
Today was a bad day.
As soon as I opened my eyes I am crying again. All night last night I saw Phillips body.Every time I closed my eyes that's what I saw. I was walking in that room again, reliveing it all over again.My chest hurts too and my eyes are so swollen from crying. I have bags underneath them too. I don't want to talk to anyone today. I walk outside early this morning and the buses passing by tear at my heart. Its so unfair. Phillips supposed to be getting up for school. I hate going outside to smoke a cigarette. Phillip never ever let me go by myself. Every time he would come outside with me and sit there and ask me questions. Questions about my life or things I have done. He thought I was cool. What a joke. I'm not the cool one he is. My thoughts are never far from him. Its freaking torture. Someone asks me , "Do you want some coffee?" I think , Phillip liked coffee, I wouldn't let him drink it though. Someone says, "Are you hungry?" Your joking right? Food? My son cant eat. I hate this....
People are coming and going but I'm not there today. I stay huddled in the corner of the couch with a blanket over my head. All I want to do is cry. I don't want to talk to anyone. I hate the way everyone is looking at me. I don't like being the center of attention. I wanna scream at them that I don't want to be important. Leave me alone.
I don't get dressed. I'm not brushing my hair or putting on makeup. I could care less.
I go back to the accident site and this is really torture. I'm kneeling on the ground and I'm trying to pray trying to something and it hurts so much. I stand up and turn around to face the road and I see so many hands and faces. Right at the moment I turn around is Phillips bus. Full of his friends and co students. They are all waving frantically and the bus driver is honking. That was beautiful, but I can hardly hold my tears in. I don't want the kids on the bus to see me cry so I stand there and I hold it in. And its hard to do , believe me. When they are at a safe distance , I fall to the ground a mess. Ive got dirt all on my pants and hands and I don't care. I hate this place.
Im up almost all night. Its so hard to sleep.I close my eyes and I see horrible things.I pace the house while everyone is asleep. Why cant I feel him? Im his mother shouldnt I feel him or have some connection. I look in the mirror and the reflection scares me. Its been a week and I look like Ive aged 10 years. Really.My hands are sweating all the time. Im constantly rubbing them together to dry them. Why are my hands sweaty? Its dark and its so quiet. I really cant sleep in my room. I guess I can say it now , but my big ole 13 year old was a mommas boy. He slept in the bed with me everynight. I walk in there in the dead...(dead) of the night and my bed is empty.
As soon as I opened my eyes I am crying again. All night last night I saw Phillips body.Every time I closed my eyes that's what I saw. I was walking in that room again, reliveing it all over again.My chest hurts too and my eyes are so swollen from crying. I have bags underneath them too. I don't want to talk to anyone today. I walk outside early this morning and the buses passing by tear at my heart. Its so unfair. Phillips supposed to be getting up for school. I hate going outside to smoke a cigarette. Phillip never ever let me go by myself. Every time he would come outside with me and sit there and ask me questions. Questions about my life or things I have done. He thought I was cool. What a joke. I'm not the cool one he is. My thoughts are never far from him. Its freaking torture. Someone asks me , "Do you want some coffee?" I think , Phillip liked coffee, I wouldn't let him drink it though. Someone says, "Are you hungry?" Your joking right? Food? My son cant eat. I hate this....
People are coming and going but I'm not there today. I stay huddled in the corner of the couch with a blanket over my head. All I want to do is cry. I don't want to talk to anyone. I hate the way everyone is looking at me. I don't like being the center of attention. I wanna scream at them that I don't want to be important. Leave me alone.
I don't get dressed. I'm not brushing my hair or putting on makeup. I could care less.
I go back to the accident site and this is really torture. I'm kneeling on the ground and I'm trying to pray trying to something and it hurts so much. I stand up and turn around to face the road and I see so many hands and faces. Right at the moment I turn around is Phillips bus. Full of his friends and co students. They are all waving frantically and the bus driver is honking. That was beautiful, but I can hardly hold my tears in. I don't want the kids on the bus to see me cry so I stand there and I hold it in. And its hard to do , believe me. When they are at a safe distance , I fall to the ground a mess. Ive got dirt all on my pants and hands and I don't care. I hate this place.
Im up almost all night. Its so hard to sleep.I close my eyes and I see horrible things.I pace the house while everyone is asleep. Why cant I feel him? Im his mother shouldnt I feel him or have some connection. I look in the mirror and the reflection scares me. Its been a week and I look like Ive aged 10 years. Really.My hands are sweating all the time. Im constantly rubbing them together to dry them. Why are my hands sweaty? Its dark and its so quiet. I really cant sleep in my room. I guess I can say it now , but my big ole 13 year old was a mommas boy. He slept in the bed with me everynight. I walk in there in the dead...(dead) of the night and my bed is empty.
Tuesday, April 20, 2010
01/04/2010 - The Viewing Of Phillip
Today is the day I have to go see my son.
I wake up and I put on a brave face, but that lasts like two minutes. I cant stop crying. Tears are endless. I'm shaking. On the way there I convince myself that its not him. That everyone is gonna feel so stupid because its not Phillip. They made a mistake. It sounds crazy but I actually believed that. I just knew I was gonna walk in there and laugh and say , "Ha! I knew it. That's not my son!"
We pull up and my heart is beating fast. In my head I'm making all kinds of promises to God. God , if this isn't him Ill never sin again. If you give him back I will do anything. Ill trade places with him in a second. I will burn in hell for eternity if this can not be him.
We walk in and the man shows me a door. He says ,"Phillips in there." I'm still thinking the jokes on them.....
I open the door and way across the room is my son. I only glance at him for a second then I look away. That's all it took. I would have known my baby any where. I'm screaming again, "That's my son , that's my son." Yes, everyone is nodding. That's your son. I compose myself as best as possible and I walk over to him. It hurts unbelievably. I feel like my chest is gonna explode. I have loved this kid every day for thirteen years...loved him deeply and truly and here he is. I'm standing over him and hes so beautiful to me. This is my man. This is the one thing I swore I was gonna do right.
I touch his face and its cold and hard but it feels wonderful. I touch his hair and its so soft. He needs a haircut. Ive been putting off getting him one waiting for Christmas break to be over. He has way too much makeup on. He wouldn't like that so I start rubbing it off. His face is badly bruised. His ear is blue. I'm laying across his chest now. I'm holding him like hes a baby again. His chest is still. His heart isn't beating anymore.It feels funny too . I guess they had to build it back up where the tires caved it in.I pull a chair next to him and watch as the other people say their goodbyes. I keep looking at his beautiful face. Gosh , he is so handsome. Long girly eyelashes and big full lips. He would have been a heart breaker.Finally its just me and him. I think everyone is still here but they have faded into the background. Its just me and my son. I begin to kiss him. Full on the mouth like a lover almost. The feel of his lips on mine is intoxicating. I kiss his face and his eyes and his hair. Every inch of his face I caress and kiss, it feels heavenly.
I run my face across his , I put our cheeks on each other. I press his mouth all on my face. My soul is dying right now. right at this moment a part of my soul is separating from the rest and floating away. I will never be happy again because here is my joy. laying in front of me. I lift the cover and look at his feet and legs. Such a tall boy. Phillip was 5'10" at thirteen.I grab his hand and pull it toward my face. His arm is stiff but i force it. I'm sitting there holding his hand rubbing it all over my face. Its wonderful. This is my son. And I'm so proud of him because even in death he is beautiful.
Everyone else has their turn and its time to go. I look at him and I actually felt a moment of peace. Like hes telling me ,"Mama quit being a crybaby." I almost laugh.
I wake up and I put on a brave face, but that lasts like two minutes. I cant stop crying. Tears are endless. I'm shaking. On the way there I convince myself that its not him. That everyone is gonna feel so stupid because its not Phillip. They made a mistake. It sounds crazy but I actually believed that. I just knew I was gonna walk in there and laugh and say , "Ha! I knew it. That's not my son!"
We pull up and my heart is beating fast. In my head I'm making all kinds of promises to God. God , if this isn't him Ill never sin again. If you give him back I will do anything. Ill trade places with him in a second. I will burn in hell for eternity if this can not be him.
We walk in and the man shows me a door. He says ,"Phillips in there." I'm still thinking the jokes on them.....
I open the door and way across the room is my son. I only glance at him for a second then I look away. That's all it took. I would have known my baby any where. I'm screaming again, "That's my son , that's my son." Yes, everyone is nodding. That's your son. I compose myself as best as possible and I walk over to him. It hurts unbelievably. I feel like my chest is gonna explode. I have loved this kid every day for thirteen years...loved him deeply and truly and here he is. I'm standing over him and hes so beautiful to me. This is my man. This is the one thing I swore I was gonna do right.
I touch his face and its cold and hard but it feels wonderful. I touch his hair and its so soft. He needs a haircut. Ive been putting off getting him one waiting for Christmas break to be over. He has way too much makeup on. He wouldn't like that so I start rubbing it off. His face is badly bruised. His ear is blue. I'm laying across his chest now. I'm holding him like hes a baby again. His chest is still. His heart isn't beating anymore.It feels funny too . I guess they had to build it back up where the tires caved it in.I pull a chair next to him and watch as the other people say their goodbyes. I keep looking at his beautiful face. Gosh , he is so handsome. Long girly eyelashes and big full lips. He would have been a heart breaker.Finally its just me and him. I think everyone is still here but they have faded into the background. Its just me and my son. I begin to kiss him. Full on the mouth like a lover almost. The feel of his lips on mine is intoxicating. I kiss his face and his eyes and his hair. Every inch of his face I caress and kiss, it feels heavenly.
I run my face across his , I put our cheeks on each other. I press his mouth all on my face. My soul is dying right now. right at this moment a part of my soul is separating from the rest and floating away. I will never be happy again because here is my joy. laying in front of me. I lift the cover and look at his feet and legs. Such a tall boy. Phillip was 5'10" at thirteen.I grab his hand and pull it toward my face. His arm is stiff but i force it. I'm sitting there holding his hand rubbing it all over my face. Its wonderful. This is my son. And I'm so proud of him because even in death he is beautiful.
Everyone else has their turn and its time to go. I look at him and I actually felt a moment of peace. Like hes telling me ,"Mama quit being a crybaby." I almost laugh.
1/3/2010 - The Police Report
People still in and out.
They set up a table with pictures and candles...and things that belonged to him. His football, his fishing pole. All his favorite things.
I get the police report and they tell me that My son and his friend were crossing the highway. Phillip was waiting in the middle lane and his friend tries to cross. Theres a car and the car swerves to miss his friend and runs right into my Phillip. So he wasnt wrong. He did know better. They tell me he was run over .That the tires ran over his chest and killed him instantly. My son was drug under the car. My beautiful baby was so hurt and I wasnt there. Its killing me. The pain is too much. Images of the accident I never saw flash through my head constantly. I see his bloody broken body. I feel the impact of the car.
And who is this driver? I have his name and address. I know hes a 50 year old white man. Im not mad at him. I want him to tell me hes sorry. They say he sat out there till they took my sons body away. I want to talk to him. I want to know.....
Everyone telling me no, i shouldnt ask . But, I wanna know.I want the details. I wanna know if he cried or called for me. They say he was dead instantly but maybe there is more. Why hasnt this man called me? How could he not?
I go out to the site of the accident. There are blood stains on the ground. I stand there and I think , this is where my sons soul left this earth. Im crying so bad. Theres are spray paint markings everywhere. Blood in a long drug out pattern shows where my son was. I wanna die too. I wanna get hit by a car too and die in this spot because maybe then I can hold him again. People are passing by and slowing down and paying their respects. This is a small town. Everyone knows. Im on my knees trying to find the words to pray, crying like my heart has been ripped out. But no prayer comes only tears.
I wanna leave but i know there is something I want to do.
(*** You have to understand that I am a fan of Horror films and books , so what I did next I did outta love.***)
I walk off by myself and I say , "Phillip if you are here...if your spirit is stuck in this place where you died then, be free. Come with me or go to Heaven. Be free son."
1/01/2010 New Years Day
First day of a new year...I'm not cooking this year. Usually I make the biggest meal but no reason to celebrate a new year.
I have to go to the funeral home. I don't want to go. I cant go and make arrangements. It sounds crazy to me. They want me to tell them what to do with my dead sons body.My mom and sister make me get up and get dressed. I pull on clothes that they bought for me . I don't care what I'm wearing. I feel like I'm in the middle of a horrible dream. Like any second I'm gonna wake up and its all gonna be over. Phillip is gonna be at home and I'm gonna yell at him for making me a nervous wreck.
But its not a dream....
I decide that I want his body cremated. I don't want anyone to see him dead. I want people to remember my wild son alive and free. Not in a casket. He is too beautiful for that. I want a private viewing for me because i know that if i don't see him it will never be real to me. But after that I want him cremated.
Its nighttime and I have to do a very hard thing. Phillips daddy , my husband is in jail. We have been seperated for 11 years but now I have to tell him his only son is dead. My brother calls the jail and they tell him that they will let Andrew know that there is an emergency and he has to call his wife.
Im outside with my best friend and the phone rings. Its him. I answer and hes frantic..."Whats going on , Tricina?" I open my mouth but only noise comes out.
Im trying to say Phillip but it sounds more like Fa fa fa. I couldnt say it. My friend takes the phone and tells Andrew. She hands me back the phone and I try to explain what little I know. We are both crying. Our son.
I have to go to the funeral home. I don't want to go. I cant go and make arrangements. It sounds crazy to me. They want me to tell them what to do with my dead sons body.My mom and sister make me get up and get dressed. I pull on clothes that they bought for me . I don't care what I'm wearing. I feel like I'm in the middle of a horrible dream. Like any second I'm gonna wake up and its all gonna be over. Phillip is gonna be at home and I'm gonna yell at him for making me a nervous wreck.
But its not a dream....
I decide that I want his body cremated. I don't want anyone to see him dead. I want people to remember my wild son alive and free. Not in a casket. He is too beautiful for that. I want a private viewing for me because i know that if i don't see him it will never be real to me. But after that I want him cremated.
Its nighttime and I have to do a very hard thing. Phillips daddy , my husband is in jail. We have been seperated for 11 years but now I have to tell him his only son is dead. My brother calls the jail and they tell him that they will let Andrew know that there is an emergency and he has to call his wife.
Im outside with my best friend and the phone rings. Its him. I answer and hes frantic..."Whats going on , Tricina?" I open my mouth but only noise comes out.
Im trying to say Phillip but it sounds more like Fa fa fa. I couldnt say it. My friend takes the phone and tells Andrew. She hands me back the phone and I try to explain what little I know. We are both crying. Our son.
12/31/2009 New Years Eve...
Its the last day of the year and my son is still not home. The house is full of people. My house has never been so full before. So many family and friends are coming and going. With each new face I have to go through it all over again. I hold them as they cry and try to comfort them. I can have no comfort. My baby is dead. Its not a reality to me. It doesn't seem real. Maybe because I havent seen him ,it hurts but its not real.My daughter Jessica is in and out of it. Every time she wakes up I shove sleeping pills down her throat to knock her out again.Its better this way.I don't want her to have to think about it. They are setting up tables and people are bringing food. I am not hungry. Food doesn't taste right.
My sister comes to stay with me and that's comforting. My mom is here but when I look at her my heart breaks. I'm glad she has her cousin here to comfort her.
Late tonight, me, Joshua and My sister go outside and pop Phillips fireworks. He was saving them for New Years Eve and here it is. But , he cant pop them. So I'm standing outside and I'm crying and we are popping fireworks. Everywhere around us I hear pops and bangs and I'm yelling, "This is for you , daddy. These are all for you son." What a sight I must have been.
My sister comes to stay with me and that's comforting. My mom is here but when I look at her my heart breaks. I'm glad she has her cousin here to comfort her.
Late tonight, me, Joshua and My sister go outside and pop Phillips fireworks. He was saving them for New Years Eve and here it is. But , he cant pop them. So I'm standing outside and I'm crying and we are popping fireworks. Everywhere around us I hear pops and bangs and I'm yelling, "This is for you , daddy. These are all for you son." What a sight I must have been.
Sunday, April 18, 2010
12/30/2009 And Finally....
I'm standing there and I'm looking at these people.I know what they are gonna tell me . I start yelling and cussing at them. "You are not coming in my house to tell me something is wrong with Phillip!" I actually slammed the door in their faces. I'm screaming like a mad woman .The policeman opens the door and I'm cussing at him. " Get the hell outta here , your not coming in here!" My daughter is there and now I remember seeing her standing there frozen. They walk in the door and I look at my mother and she is crying so bad. I'm thinking OK I gotta get it together. My son is in the hospital. I have to go to him and take care of him and nurse him back to health. But, none of these rational thoughts are coming out of my mouth. I'm angry and terrified of what they are gonna say to me. The policeman is saying something like, Your son was in an accident. I'm like oh thank god, lets go I'm ready. But, I look at my mom and she says the words that in that split second changed my life. She says, " Tricina, he's gone." Its not processing for me. I'm saying well okay lets go find him. They are all shaking their heads, "no no Mrs. Duran", the policeman says" your son didn't make it. That's when all the life went out of me. My legs give out and down I went.
(***I would always see people on TV who would scream and moan and fall on the ground all dramatically...I would think they were overacting. But its real.***)
The policeman gets me up and leads me to the couch. I'm screaming mama over and over. I'm screaming "Jesus". I must have yelled Jesus a million times. How do i accept this? I'm calling out to my son who will never hear my voice again.I'm saying No,No. I'm on the ground on my knees begging my mama to tell me its not true. The policeman is trying to talk reason to a crazy woman."Please take me to him.'" I beg. Why is he shaking his head no. "Tricina, no. I am a parent and there is no way you are going out there." he says. "No No No", I'm saying " please, I don't care if his head is over here and a arm is over there, please just take me to my baby." No , they keep telling me.I remember my daughter and she is sitting on the couch crying by herself. I go over and try to comfort her but how can I? "Oh , my baby, please give me my son."I'm telling the policeman they have made a mistake. How does he know that's my Phillip. I need to go and see for myself. He says no its already been taken care of. He's been identified. I'm telling him that hes wrong because I'm a good mother and my son loves me so much theres no way he would leave me. The lady with the bible is trying to pray for me. I'M sorry but I yell at her that I don't want prayer I want my son. I have friends there and they are crying. I'm grabbing them saying , do you hear what they are trying to tell me? They are trying to say that Phillip is dead. I stop .....because I said it. I finally said those awful words. My beautiful wonderful son is dead at thirteen years old. The coolest most down to earth and loving son in the world is dead. I look at the policeman and ask," wheres his body? " they tell me he is being transported to Galveston. I want so bad to go with him. I try to reason with them. Why cant I go and sit outside or in a waiting room? I will, i don't mind. I can just go and sit there. they tell me no that there is nothing i can do for him. they re crazy I'm the mother. A mother can always help.
I'm in a daze , I'm crying hard like I've never cried before. Horrible loud gut wrenching sobs. I feel like i cant breathe. My head is spinning. It has to be a mistake. They tell me he was run over by a car but that doesn't make any sense to me. My son wasn't like other kids , he was so smart. He knows better. How many times did I tell him watch the cars, don't trust them you be the smart one. He was responsible and trust worthy. Theres no way he would let himself get hit. I'm sitting on the couch and the policeman is in my face telling me to breathe trying to make me drink water.
(***I don't know why I remember the water but I do. Its crazy because that made me mad again. You want me to drink water. My son is gone and you think I'm thirsty?***)
They finally get up and leave. I don't want to talk to anyone. I look at my daughter and it breaks my heart. I want so bad to hold her and comfort her but all I can do is look at her. All I can do is cry and scream his name."Phillip , Phillip , Phillip , Oh my baby." That's all I can say. Mom keeps trying to pray for me but I'm angry right now. Why Why?? My mom is telling me " My heart is breaking , he was my favorite , I can say it now. He was the most precious to me" she says. I'm grabbing her and trying to pull her so close to me . I wanna go back inside her where none of this is real. I don't want this to be real.
The policeman and people leave. My body feels numb. I'm not saying anything, I'm just sitting there with tears running down my face. I cant think I cant process. All I know is my baby is gone.
My mom is on the phone calling people. Nobody believes her because she is notorious for pulling pranks but they come anyway. I don't know who comes first. But , I look and my sister walks in. Shes crying and we hold each other. There are no words. Joshua comes in and it kills me because he has been like a son to me since the day he was born. To see his heart breaking destroys me...I love him so much and I don't want him to hurt. He loved my son like a brother. They were as close as can be. Joshua was like a hero to Phillip he wanted to be just like him. My best friend and Phillips godmother comes. We hold each other and cry so hard she understands my pain because he was like a son to her too. My brothers come and they cry. I don't think I ever have seen my brothers cry before.So many people coming in and out and I'm in a daze. Finally people leave and I try to lay down to sleep. Its hard. I cant stop crying. My son is supposed to be here with me not lying in some cold morgue.
(***I would always see people on TV who would scream and moan and fall on the ground all dramatically...I would think they were overacting. But its real.***)
The policeman gets me up and leads me to the couch. I'm screaming mama over and over. I'm screaming "Jesus". I must have yelled Jesus a million times. How do i accept this? I'm calling out to my son who will never hear my voice again.I'm saying No,No. I'm on the ground on my knees begging my mama to tell me its not true. The policeman is trying to talk reason to a crazy woman."Please take me to him.'" I beg. Why is he shaking his head no. "Tricina, no. I am a parent and there is no way you are going out there." he says. "No No No", I'm saying " please, I don't care if his head is over here and a arm is over there, please just take me to my baby." No , they keep telling me.I remember my daughter and she is sitting on the couch crying by herself. I go over and try to comfort her but how can I? "Oh , my baby, please give me my son."I'm telling the policeman they have made a mistake. How does he know that's my Phillip. I need to go and see for myself. He says no its already been taken care of. He's been identified. I'm telling him that hes wrong because I'm a good mother and my son loves me so much theres no way he would leave me. The lady with the bible is trying to pray for me. I'M sorry but I yell at her that I don't want prayer I want my son. I have friends there and they are crying. I'm grabbing them saying , do you hear what they are trying to tell me? They are trying to say that Phillip is dead. I stop .....because I said it. I finally said those awful words. My beautiful wonderful son is dead at thirteen years old. The coolest most down to earth and loving son in the world is dead. I look at the policeman and ask," wheres his body? " they tell me he is being transported to Galveston. I want so bad to go with him. I try to reason with them. Why cant I go and sit outside or in a waiting room? I will, i don't mind. I can just go and sit there. they tell me no that there is nothing i can do for him. they re crazy I'm the mother. A mother can always help.
I'm in a daze , I'm crying hard like I've never cried before. Horrible loud gut wrenching sobs. I feel like i cant breathe. My head is spinning. It has to be a mistake. They tell me he was run over by a car but that doesn't make any sense to me. My son wasn't like other kids , he was so smart. He knows better. How many times did I tell him watch the cars, don't trust them you be the smart one. He was responsible and trust worthy. Theres no way he would let himself get hit. I'm sitting on the couch and the policeman is in my face telling me to breathe trying to make me drink water.
(***I don't know why I remember the water but I do. Its crazy because that made me mad again. You want me to drink water. My son is gone and you think I'm thirsty?***)
They finally get up and leave. I don't want to talk to anyone. I look at my daughter and it breaks my heart. I want so bad to hold her and comfort her but all I can do is look at her. All I can do is cry and scream his name."Phillip , Phillip , Phillip , Oh my baby." That's all I can say. Mom keeps trying to pray for me but I'm angry right now. Why Why?? My mom is telling me " My heart is breaking , he was my favorite , I can say it now. He was the most precious to me" she says. I'm grabbing her and trying to pull her so close to me . I wanna go back inside her where none of this is real. I don't want this to be real.
The policeman and people leave. My body feels numb. I'm not saying anything, I'm just sitting there with tears running down my face. I cant think I cant process. All I know is my baby is gone.
My mom is on the phone calling people. Nobody believes her because she is notorious for pulling pranks but they come anyway. I don't know who comes first. But , I look and my sister walks in. Shes crying and we hold each other. There are no words. Joshua comes in and it kills me because he has been like a son to me since the day he was born. To see his heart breaking destroys me...I love him so much and I don't want him to hurt. He loved my son like a brother. They were as close as can be. Joshua was like a hero to Phillip he wanted to be just like him. My best friend and Phillips godmother comes. We hold each other and cry so hard she understands my pain because he was like a son to her too. My brothers come and they cry. I don't think I ever have seen my brothers cry before.So many people coming in and out and I'm in a daze. Finally people leave and I try to lay down to sleep. Its hard. I cant stop crying. My son is supposed to be here with me not lying in some cold morgue.
Saturday, April 17, 2010
12/30/2009 And then.....
Ok , its getting later and later and I'm trying harder and harder not to worry. I start calling everyone I know. Someone tells me that you were at your friends house playing video games...someone else says that you were going to play basketball. Finally someone tells me that you were seen riding your bike down Gordon , going in the direction of your grandmas. So now I'm thinking that you are going to go there because its late. You know that I am going to yell and be mad at you and your grandma wont say a word because you are her favorite.Me and grandma are texting back and forth. Call me if he gets there ok? and you call me if he shows up there. We go back and forth. I try to lay down but that's not happening.Finally I cant take it anymore I get up and get dressed. I am going looking for you. I try calling your grandma and she wont answer. Why wont she answer? I am persistant and call over and over while I get ready to go.Ive got a cell phone in each hand. I'm calling grandma and your coach because I hear he is looking for me. No one is answering. I put on my jacket and go towards the door. And then there is a knock.
(***This is really hard for me to write. To relive these moments is torture, but I want you to know how I felt***)
I open the door and I see a policeman. Oh great I think ,Phillip got arrested. I'm irritated now because what have you done this time?Then I see grandma and she is crying.I hear the policeman saying ,"Are you Mrs. Duran?" but it seems like a haze to me. Then he's asking grandma," Is this her?" Then I see two other people behind them. There is a man standing back wringing his hands. Then I see a woman and she is holding a bible and she has the worst look on her face. That's when I knew......
(***This is really hard for me to write. To relive these moments is torture, but I want you to know how I felt***)
I open the door and I see a policeman. Oh great I think ,Phillip got arrested. I'm irritated now because what have you done this time?Then I see grandma and she is crying.I hear the policeman saying ,"Are you Mrs. Duran?" but it seems like a haze to me. Then he's asking grandma," Is this her?" Then I see two other people behind them. There is a man standing back wringing his hands. Then I see a woman and she is holding a bible and she has the worst look on her face. That's when I knew......
12/30/2009 Later still....
I get home and your not there. Jessica your sister is there and hasn't seen or heard from you either. I'm mad. But you've been late so many times and always got mad at me when I worried about you so I try my hardest not to worry. I'm in my room with Jessica and my friend and we are laughing unwinding from the day.I'm thinking about you but still trying not to worry. I remember standing there and just freezing. I cock my ear to the closed bedroom door and say , "Did y'all hear that? Phillips home!" I heard you clear as day open the front door and say mama. I run out of the room laughing because my baby is finally home.The living room was dark and empty. I go back to the room, laughed it off and said, "oh , I must have been tripping."
***You were already dead when this happened.It wasn't till I knew that, that the full impact of it hit me. I know I heard you. I know your voice son and I heard you clear as day say mama. I don't know why? Maybe my baby was calling out to me.I don't know. But , it happened.***
***You were already dead when this happened.It wasn't till I knew that, that the full impact of it hit me. I know I heard you. I know your voice son and I heard you clear as day say mama. I don't know why? Maybe my baby was calling out to me.I don't know. But , it happened.***
12/30/2009 Later...
That nite I clocked out at around 6:40.My boss was giving me a ride home that evening and we were exhausted from a long days work but excited to finally be off. It had been a long day. We pulled up at the intersection of Hwy 6 and Hwy 35 and up ahead there were ambulances and police everywhere. It was a big mess.I made a stupid comment..something like I was glad it was ahead of us. We stopped at the gas station on the corner and then we turned left and went home.
*** I am so sorry son but that was you I saw. I was going home and you were lying dead in the road only 100 feet in front of me. In hindsight I am so angry that I didnt know. That some inner mother instinct didnt kick in and tell me that was my baby up ahead. I question why when we stopped at the store did I hear noone say that a little boy had been run over. I surely would have known right? ***
*** I am so sorry son but that was you I saw. I was going home and you were lying dead in the road only 100 feet in front of me. In hindsight I am so angry that I didnt know. That some inner mother instinct didnt kick in and tell me that was my baby up ahead. I question why when we stopped at the store did I hear noone say that a little boy had been run over. I surely would have known right? ***
My Last Memory 12/30/2009
I was at work and I looked up through the big window and I saw you standing there. I was mad because you were grounded and were supposed to be at your grandmas. I came out and started fussing at you , like I always did. You smiled that big beautiful smile and said ,"Mama , don't be mad. I was going crazy at grandmas. I had to sneak out." I kept fussing and you said, "You cant be mad at me I am Freebirds son." That made me laugh. I wasn't even mad anymore. You start telling me how you are starving to death and asked me for one dollar so you can go to Jack In The Box. I started complaining about not having any money and you look at me with those big droopy eyes. I went to go get my wallet and I give you around $3.75. You started freaking out saying how awesome a mother I was because you were gonna get three things from Jack In The Box. You said, "Your the greatest mom in the world, thank you thank you." You turned to leave and I say ,"Didn't you forget something?" I didn't have to say another word , you knew what I was talking about. You came back and leaned over the meat case and kissed my cheek and said, "I love you mama , goodbye." I told you to be home by the time I got there and you left......
***That was the last time I ever saw you alive son. I'm so thankful that I have those beautiful words. I feel so fortunate because so many times when we lose someone we never have the chance to even say goodbye. ***
***That was the last time I ever saw you alive son. I'm so thankful that I have those beautiful words. I feel so fortunate because so many times when we lose someone we never have the chance to even say goodbye. ***
04/18/2010
I have decided to start this blog on the eve of my 37th birthday. This is a different kind of birthday for me this year because it is the first that I will have to spend without my darling son. I hope and pray that someone somewhere will find hope in my words.
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