Hello and thank you for joining me on this emotional roller coaster that I would never wish on anyone. If you've never been to this blog before let me tell you some things that might help you. Its better to start at the beginning and for me that was 12/30/2009...if you look to the right you will see blog archive,you can start at the top and work your way down.The beginning is April 18, 2010, It just makes it easier. And everyone please feel free to leave comments or anything you want. I know alot of you have your own special memories that maybe you want to share. Its up to you. I will tell you that this blog is very blunt and very real. Im sorry if it offends anyone , thats not my intention. When I first starting writing it I knew that I would end up telling alot of my little "secrets". But , for me to find my healing I had to face who I really was and the life history that has made me the woman I am today.These are my opinions and views. But, ultimately this is for me not you. So , thank you again and may God bless u.



Cina



Tuesday, April 27, 2010

01/10/2010 -The Day After Neva after Ever

This morning I woke up with a hangover and a headache. Yucky

But it was worth it because my house is full of sleeping bodies everywhere. It is a beautiful sight to me. I start cooking the biggest breakfast . Everything...I love to feed my family and friends. Each person is waking up and getting dressed. Today we have something planned.

Im cooking and I feel so peaceful. Why? I start to feel guilty.I start to feel so awful beacause these are the breakfasts that my boy loved. He loved to eat , he told me all the time that I was the best cook in the whole world and I believed him. So many times I would ask my children you want me to cook or you wanns go out. They always chose home. So now Im crying again. Damn these tears.

I have to push him out of my mind. I dont want to think about Phillip. I get so mad at myself because I feel selfish. But if I allow myself to think about him it starts to hurt so bad.

Everyone is fed and dressed and we load up all of the flowers from the house. Its time. I dont want to go. I have to go put these flowers by the road where my son died. Ive never been there with everyone , only by myself and its scares me. I hate that place. I love it too. Im so confused. I dont want people to see me sad..Im tired of people seeing me cry. And my body aches.

But none of this shows...I get dressed and load up and I have a million thoughts running through my head. But I dont say a word. My eyes are tired and my mouth is turned down but Im quiet.
Why cant I be strong? Why do I have to be so weak?

We get out there and the blood is fading a little from the ground. Im glad because I didnt want anyone to see it. I dont immediately panic. Im trying so hard to keep control and its freaking hard. I wanna run out into the street screaming like a crazy woman. Thats what I want. I want to tear off my clothes and just act like a fool.People want to look at me then Ill give them a reason. But I dont, I try to gain control.

We go back to the house and one by one everyone leaves........Im terrrified. I dont want anyone to worry but I dont want to be here by myself.I understand dont get me wrong I know everyone has to get back to their lives. They have already been
here so long. I wanna cry and scream and beg them no no please dont leave me. But I dont say a word.







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