Today is my fathers birthday. My father was Phillip Allen Robinson. While I was pregnant with Jessica my father passed away. When my son was born I wanted to name him..Andrew Phillip Duran after my dad and his dad. But my oh so wonderful husband (that was a joke) filled out the birth certificate while i was asleep and named him Phillip Andrew Duran. He also signed my name.hmmm.
But I'm glad he did because my son reminded me in so many ways of my daddy.
Every year on this day I make a big dinner and birthday cake. I always want my children to remember their grandfather even though they never met him. Well I guess that's not true now. I'm really hoping that at that second that my baby left this world that my daddy was there to snatch him up. In fact I'm counting on that for my sanity.
I'm not making anything today.No cake no food. Nothing.
The past week has been hell. Just a day after day routine of instability. I still wont let Jessica go to school. Every morning I try. I swear I do. But I panic. I am so scared that i will never see her again. I know its not fair. Am I holding her back. I don't care. I don't care about anything. I spend my nights awake , torturing myself. I want to hurt . I want to feel the pain.
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