Today is the day I have to go see my son.
I wake up and I put on a brave face, but that lasts like two minutes. I cant stop crying. Tears are endless. I'm shaking. On the way there I convince myself that its not him. That everyone is gonna feel so stupid because its not Phillip. They made a mistake. It sounds crazy but I actually believed that. I just knew I was gonna walk in there and laugh and say , "Ha! I knew it. That's not my son!"
We pull up and my heart is beating fast. In my head I'm making all kinds of promises to God. God , if this isn't him Ill never sin again. If you give him back I will do anything. Ill trade places with him in a second. I will burn in hell for eternity if this can not be him.
We walk in and the man shows me a door. He says ,"Phillips in there." I'm still thinking the jokes on them.....
I open the door and way across the room is my son. I only glance at him for a second then I look away. That's all it took. I would have known my baby any where. I'm screaming again, "That's my son , that's my son." Yes, everyone is nodding. That's your son. I compose myself as best as possible and I walk over to him. It hurts unbelievably. I feel like my chest is gonna explode. I have loved this kid every day for thirteen years...loved him deeply and truly and here he is. I'm standing over him and hes so beautiful to me. This is my man. This is the one thing I swore I was gonna do right.
I touch his face and its cold and hard but it feels wonderful. I touch his hair and its so soft. He needs a haircut. Ive been putting off getting him one waiting for Christmas break to be over. He has way too much makeup on. He wouldn't like that so I start rubbing it off. His face is badly bruised. His ear is blue. I'm laying across his chest now. I'm holding him like hes a baby again. His chest is still. His heart isn't beating anymore.It feels funny too . I guess they had to build it back up where the tires caved it in.I pull a chair next to him and watch as the other people say their goodbyes. I keep looking at his beautiful face. Gosh , he is so handsome. Long girly eyelashes and big full lips. He would have been a heart breaker.Finally its just me and him. I think everyone is still here but they have faded into the background. Its just me and my son. I begin to kiss him. Full on the mouth like a lover almost. The feel of his lips on mine is intoxicating. I kiss his face and his eyes and his hair. Every inch of his face I caress and kiss, it feels heavenly.
I run my face across his , I put our cheeks on each other. I press his mouth all on my face. My soul is dying right now. right at this moment a part of my soul is separating from the rest and floating away. I will never be happy again because here is my joy. laying in front of me. I lift the cover and look at his feet and legs. Such a tall boy. Phillip was 5'10" at thirteen.I grab his hand and pull it toward my face. His arm is stiff but i force it. I'm sitting there holding his hand rubbing it all over my face. Its wonderful. This is my son. And I'm so proud of him because even in death he is beautiful.
Everyone else has their turn and its time to go. I look at him and I actually felt a moment of peace. Like hes telling me ,"Mama quit being a crybaby." I almost laugh.
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