1/20/2010 - First Day Back To Work

Today I am going back to work....no matter what.

I get up and I get dressed and I go back to work and Jessica goes back to school. Phillip doesnt go anywhere because he is dead and sitting in a box at home.

My whole life I have always had office jobs , I never have done like manual labor. My job now is hard.I work in a meat department of a grocery store where we also have a big clientel of deer processing. Its a very physically hard job.

I had already called my boss and asked him to ever so gently tell people that I just wanted to come back to work. I didnt want to talk I just wanted to work. You see , almost everyone at my job knew my son Phillip. He was always comming up there. Phillip spent alot of his time suspended so he would come up to my work. He would sit in the little cafe and eat everything. Everyone liked him , of course he made everyone smile.He was always in the parking lot entertaining us on our breaks. He would be riding his bike and doing tricks for us. He was just a really cool kid....oh my baby.
I get there and I think..."This is the last place I ever saw my son". That sucks. I feel like everyone is looking at me. They probably werent or maybe they were...who knows. I spend all day busting my butt and lovin it. On our breaks we always go sit outside in the front of the store...remember thats where Phillip was all the time. Im scared. Inside Im trying so hard to keep it together. Everyone thinks I am just so strong. They are fools. I am standing at the edge of an abyss and im screaming and yelling for anyone to push me in. I start to feel panicky and I go to the bathroom. I go in and Im so mad at myself. "Dont you dare cry, you stupid woman!" I said to myself, "You hold it together! Your stupid stupid crybaby".
And I did , I held it in. There were no tears ...yet.
We are finishing up for the day and thats when we take these water hoses and spray everything in the cutting room down to clean. Im in there and Im doing it and I look at the time. Its almost that time. I remember the last time I was here doing this , my son was still alive. Not for much longer but he was. I keep looking up through the big glass window and Im looking for him. I want him to be there like he was that day. That stupid horrible day. But he's not. I finally lose it. I cant hold it in anymore. Im crying and hosing down the room . My co-workers ask if im okay, and I tell them that I just gotta get this out. I just need to cry for a second cause Ive been holding it in all day. But Im crying because the last time Phillip was here I was mad and annoyed at him. If he came now I would be so happy to see him . I would give him anything. If just this once when I look up he'll be standing there I would give my soul. Even if I had to die right at that moment and never see him again , it would have been enough because then he wouldnt be dead. he would be able to finish his life. And I would have been happy to sacrifice my soul just to let him live.