12/30/2009 And Finally....

I'm standing there and I'm looking at these people.I know what they are gonna tell me . I start yelling and cussing at them. "You are not coming in my house to tell me something is wrong with Phillip!" I actually slammed the door in their faces. I'm screaming like a mad woman .The policeman opens the door and I'm cussing at him. " Get the hell outta here , your not coming in here!" My daughter is there and now I remember seeing her standing there frozen. They walk in the door and I look at my mother and she is crying so bad. I'm thinking OK I gotta get it together. My son is in the hospital. I have to go to him and take care of him and nurse him back to health. But, none of these rational thoughts are coming out of my mouth. I'm angry and terrified of what they are gonna say to me. The policeman is saying something like, Your son was in an accident. I'm like oh thank god, lets go I'm ready. But, I look at my mom and she says the words that in that split second changed my life. She says, " Tricina, he's gone." Its not processing for me. I'm saying well okay lets go find him. They are all shaking their heads, "no no Mrs. Duran", the policeman says" your son didn't make it. That's when all the life went out of me. My legs give out and down I went.
(***I would always see people on TV who would scream and moan and fall on the ground all dramatically...I would think they were overacting. But its real.***)
The policeman gets me up and leads me to the couch. I'm screaming mama over and over. I'm screaming "Jesus". I must have yelled Jesus a million times. How do i accept this? I'm calling out to my son who will never hear my voice again.I'm saying No,No. I'm on the ground on my knees begging my mama to tell me its not true. The policeman is trying to talk reason to a crazy woman."Please take me to him.'" I beg. Why is he shaking his head no. "Tricina, no. I am a parent and there is no way you are going out there." he says. "No No No", I'm saying " please, I don't care if his head is over here and a arm is over there, please just take me to my baby." No , they keep telling me.I remember my daughter and she is sitting on the couch crying by herself. I go over and try to comfort her but how can I? "Oh , my baby, please give me my son."I'm telling the policeman they have made a mistake. How does he know that's my Phillip. I need to go and see for myself. He says no its already been taken care of. He's been identified. I'm telling him that hes wrong because I'm a good mother and my son loves me so much theres no way he would leave me. The lady with the bible is trying to pray for me. I'M sorry but I yell at her that I don't want prayer I want my son. I have friends there and they are crying. I'm grabbing them saying , do you hear what they are trying to tell me? They are trying to say that Phillip is dead. I stop .....because I said it. I finally said those awful words. My beautiful wonderful son is dead at thirteen years old. The coolest most down to earth and loving son in the world is dead. I look at the policeman and ask," wheres his body? " they tell me he is being transported to Galveston. I want so bad to go with him. I try to reason with them. Why cant I go and sit outside or in a waiting room? I will, i don't mind. I can just go and sit there. they tell me no that there is nothing i can do for him. they re crazy I'm the mother. A mother can always help.

I'm in a daze , I'm crying hard like I've never cried before. Horrible loud gut wrenching sobs. I feel like i cant breathe. My head is spinning. It has to be a mistake. They tell me he was run over by a car but that doesn't make any sense to me. My son wasn't like other kids , he was so smart. He knows better. How many times did I tell him watch the cars, don't trust them you be the smart one. He was responsible and trust worthy. Theres no way he would let himself get hit. I'm sitting on the couch and the policeman is in my face telling me to breathe trying to make me drink water.
(***I don't know why I remember the water but I do. Its crazy because that made me mad again. You want me to drink water. My son is gone and you think I'm thirsty?***)
They finally get up and leave. I don't want to talk to anyone. I look at my daughter and it breaks my heart. I want so bad to hold her and comfort her but all I can do is look at her. All I can do is cry and scream his name."Phillip , Phillip , Phillip , Oh my baby." That's all I can say. Mom keeps trying to pray for me but I'm angry right now. Why Why?? My mom is telling me " My heart is breaking , he was my favorite , I can say it now. He was the most precious to me" she says. I'm grabbing her and trying to pull her so close to me . I wanna go back inside her where none of this is real. I don't want this to be real.
The policeman and people leave. My body feels numb. I'm not saying anything, I'm just sitting there with tears running down my face. I cant think I cant process. All I know is my baby is gone.
My mom is on the phone calling people. Nobody believes her because she is notorious for pulling pranks but they come anyway. I don't know who comes first. But , I look and my sister walks in. Shes crying and we hold each other. There are no words. Joshua comes in and it kills me because he has been like a son to me since the day he was born. To see his heart breaking destroys me...I love him so much and I don't want him to hurt. He loved my son like a brother. They were as close as can be. Joshua was like a hero to Phillip he wanted to be just like him. My best friend and Phillips godmother comes. We hold each other and cry so hard she understands my pain because he was like a son to her too. My brothers come and they cry. I don't think I ever have seen my brothers cry before.So many people coming in and out and I'm in a daze. Finally people leave and I try to lay down to sleep. Its hard. I cant stop crying. My son is supposed to be here with me not lying in some cold morgue.