01/18/2010 - That Man

Its late again....house is dark and I'm really struggling . What is bothering me the most is that man. When I say that man I'm talking about the man who hit and killed my son. I look at the police report and it has his name and address and phone number. The thing is , it has mine too. Why hasn't he contacted me. I want to talk to him. I want to look at him and see the man that ended my sons life. OK so it was an accident . And??? If I am to believe that God has a plan. That nothing happens by chance then it was Gods plans to choose that exact man. He didn't just happen to be driving by. For some reason , this man was chosen. Shouldn't we meet? Shouldn't he come and tell me hes sorry? I don't want to be angry at him . I do but I'm bigger than that. i throw on clothes and I start walking toward his way. I have the address, I don't know exactly where it is but I have an idea. (***I don't know why I didn't drive.***) Its cold and real foggy out. Its about five miles or so to his house but I don't care. I'm walking and I'm smoking and I'm crying. I find the road and start looking for the house number. Before I can think I'm standing in front of the car that killed my son.I'm so angry. I want to bust all the windows out and flat the tires. I want to destroy it . I want it to be dead too. And then I look at the house. This man didn't have alot of money. The police report said he was unemployed. The house is shabby. Paint is peeling off the wood and the grass is overgrown. I'm standing there and I'm looking at the house and I'm thinking, I wonder if hes asleep? I wonder if he ever cries? Oh I hope hes okay..All of a sudden compassion fills me and I start to begin to worry. Yes Tricina he killed your son, and that's tragic. But how must he feel? One side of me is angry and the other is hurting for him . I want to rip his body apart and I want to hug and comfort him. I hate everything he is but I love him too because he sat there. He stayed at the accident. He stayed long after he could have left. He saw my baby dying and I didn't . I want to hold him so maybe I can draw some of those energies out. I wanna know what he saw. I wanna know how my son looked when he laid there bleeding and broken.I wanna know if it was true, did he die instantly or did he maybe call out to me?I wanna know so bad. I wanna know. Oh Jesus why cant I have been there? Lord don't you know that that was MY baby , not yours. he didn't belong to you or this stupid man . He belonged to me and you robbed me of that. You robbed me of holding him and making sure that he was OK. Even if he was gonna die not to be scared that mommie was there with him. I wanna tell this man that its OK and I wanna condemn him to hell all at the same time.I start to walk up to the door but then turn and leave. I start walking home and I'm a crazy woman. I'm screaming and crying. I'm so glad the police didn't see me. I get home and I'm dirty and tired. I'm so tired. I fall asleep almost the second my head hits the pillow.