Its the day before my 37th Birthday.....
Five days after I tried to kill myself and four months seventeen days after my son died.
I know that I need to start writing. I need to tell my feelings. Somewhere out there there is someone in some moment of time that will need to hear my words. I have to write them down for her. I don't know her yet and I may never meet her , but my words will bring her hope and will save her life.
So ... I'm at home now and I begin to write a blog. Its hard at first. I don't want to relive those awful moments. But its cleansing too. While I'm writing I will be crying and so sad. But , when I finish a day , I feel like a weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
I really think that maybe I'm gonna be ok.
Tuesday, June 29, 2010
04/16/2010
I wake up this morning and I feel wonderful. Wow , this is nice...
I am going to live. I don't know what I am going to do or where my life is going to lead me but I am going to live. I'm still angry with God but its like we have found a common ground.
I'm talking to the nurses all day. One of the nurses is so sweet , as I sit and tell her my story she gets this awful look on her face.
She says , " I'm from Alvin, my son went to the same school as your son. I remember when it happened the whole town was in shock. He was a special boy. "
She knows my son. All the way here far away from Alvin and shes my nurse and shes telling me about God and about Faith and shes saying that I am special that I have a purpose on this earth. She says that she knows that more than anything else. She was so sweet. I get up and I bathe , and I put on makeup and I even comb my knotted hair. I feel better.
Maybe I'm really gonna make it.
The psychiatrist comes back in and he is amazed at me . He says that he has changed his mind . He is not going to commit me . I have to promise to make an outpatient appointment and follow through with treatment and he will let me go tomorrow.
Wow , what a mighty God I serve...........
I am going to live. I don't know what I am going to do or where my life is going to lead me but I am going to live. I'm still angry with God but its like we have found a common ground.
I'm talking to the nurses all day. One of the nurses is so sweet , as I sit and tell her my story she gets this awful look on her face.
She says , " I'm from Alvin, my son went to the same school as your son. I remember when it happened the whole town was in shock. He was a special boy. "
She knows my son. All the way here far away from Alvin and shes my nurse and shes telling me about God and about Faith and shes saying that I am special that I have a purpose on this earth. She says that she knows that more than anything else. She was so sweet. I get up and I bathe , and I put on makeup and I even comb my knotted hair. I feel better.
Maybe I'm really gonna make it.
The psychiatrist comes back in and he is amazed at me . He says that he has changed his mind . He is not going to commit me . I have to promise to make an outpatient appointment and follow through with treatment and he will let me go tomorrow.
Wow , what a mighty God I serve...........
4/15/2010
Its really late at night. I asked for some paper and I cant stop writing. I was praying earlier...I havent done that in a long time.
I said ,"God why didnt you let me die? Why do I have to go on living?"
Not in a mad way. Just like we were talking to eachother.
I said "Why do I keep living? Why cant I kill myself?"
And God says to me , "What do you want? Tel me what you need?"
Ok , I want my son back . Thats not possible.
"What else do you want?" he says .
So I start telling Him. I want some peace. I wanna be able to go through a whole day and not cry. I want to stop having nightmares , they tear my soul apart. I want to start living again. I want to smile. I just wanna smile so big and mean it. I want a boyfriend. Im tired of being single I have been single for two and a half years. Im lonely. My son was my boyfriend , he occupied all of my time . Now I have nothing. I want soemeone to fill a small piece of my heart. I wanna laugh again. Oh I cant wait to laugh again.
All this God listens to. I felt like he was sitting there with me and he was taking notes.I can see Him nodding his head like yeah I can do that. Im just spilling out everything. I know he cant give me back Phillip but he asked...so Im going to tell Him.
And somewhere deep inside of me I feel a glimmer of Hope. I dont know how or why or even what I am supposed to be doing but hope is there. It feels unfamiliar to me. Its strange but its comforting.
Its like God says to me , "My daughter , Im sorry. I knew you were going to have to do this(my attempt) But I am here for you , if you let me I will help you."
So maybe Im going to be ok. Maybe I will make it through this. Somehow Someway....
I said ,"God why didnt you let me die? Why do I have to go on living?"
Not in a mad way. Just like we were talking to eachother.
I said "Why do I keep living? Why cant I kill myself?"
And God says to me , "What do you want? Tel me what you need?"
Ok , I want my son back . Thats not possible.
"What else do you want?" he says .
So I start telling Him. I want some peace. I wanna be able to go through a whole day and not cry. I want to stop having nightmares , they tear my soul apart. I want to start living again. I want to smile. I just wanna smile so big and mean it. I want a boyfriend. Im tired of being single I have been single for two and a half years. Im lonely. My son was my boyfriend , he occupied all of my time . Now I have nothing. I want soemeone to fill a small piece of my heart. I wanna laugh again. Oh I cant wait to laugh again.
All this God listens to. I felt like he was sitting there with me and he was taking notes.I can see Him nodding his head like yeah I can do that. Im just spilling out everything. I know he cant give me back Phillip but he asked...so Im going to tell Him.
And somewhere deep inside of me I feel a glimmer of Hope. I dont know how or why or even what I am supposed to be doing but hope is there. It feels unfamiliar to me. Its strange but its comforting.
Its like God says to me , "My daughter , Im sorry. I knew you were going to have to do this(my attempt) But I am here for you , if you let me I will help you."
So maybe Im going to be ok. Maybe I will make it through this. Somehow Someway....
4/15/2010
Three days Ive been laying in this hospital. I don't want to be here.
All I do is sit here and think .
I think about Phillip and I cry.
I think about Jessica and I cry.
I sit here talking to myself and talking to God and I cry.
I am so sick of crying.
All I do is sit here and think .
I think about Phillip and I cry.
I think about Jessica and I cry.
I sit here talking to myself and talking to God and I cry.
I am so sick of crying.
04/13/2010 - The Day After
So i wake up in this hospital room.....
I feel worse than ever.I failed. Im still here and I dont want to be. Why couldnt I have done it right. The doctors come in and they are telling me Im so happy to be alive. Im crying , they think my tears come from shame. No , my tears come because Im alive.They say that its a miracle , with the amount of pills I took I should have easily died. They proclaim that the charcoal must have saved my life. I look at them and tell them I didnt even drink it , I threw it away. They are amazed. Now I truly am a miracle.
Miracle my big toe . Thats not me , Im a mistake. All I am is a failed attempt. I dont want to be alive . I dont want to be here. All they have done is delayed me.
The psychiatrist comes in to evaluate me. I tell him how I feel. Exactly how I feel.
He tells me he is going to admit me into Austin State Hospital after they medically clear me from here. I tell him that I dont want to go, I try to explain to him that I am not crazy. Far from it. I am the sanest person I know. Im just a mother. Im just a mother who cant deal with life anymore. He says Im going against my will. He has signed the papers. If I try to leave the hospital I will be arrested. Ha , thats funny.So , Im crazy now? Naw , Im not crazy. Im just tired , so tired.
I lay there all day long with the tubes running all over me in and out my body. They're giving me fluids that are gonna save me. The doctors say Im still so sick , that I have to be observed closely. Whatever. I have a bad attitude with them.
I cry all day long. I miss my Phillip. I was so close to being back with him. I dream up ways I can sneak out of the hospital. They wont even let me close my curtain though. Oh yeah , Im a suicide risk. Well thats the one thing that they are right about. No one comes to see me. I have no visitors. Im glad. I dont wanna see anyone.
Im lying there and Im so mad at God. You could have taken me God. You would have forgiven me because I would have explained to you that I just couldnt make it through life , without my baby. You know how I feel. You gave your son too. You had to watch while he was broken on the cross. You had to see him take his last breath. You know how badly I am hurt. Its your fault. You took my son from me.
I feel worse than ever.I failed. Im still here and I dont want to be. Why couldnt I have done it right. The doctors come in and they are telling me Im so happy to be alive. Im crying , they think my tears come from shame. No , my tears come because Im alive.They say that its a miracle , with the amount of pills I took I should have easily died. They proclaim that the charcoal must have saved my life. I look at them and tell them I didnt even drink it , I threw it away. They are amazed. Now I truly am a miracle.
Miracle my big toe . Thats not me , Im a mistake. All I am is a failed attempt. I dont want to be alive . I dont want to be here. All they have done is delayed me.
The psychiatrist comes in to evaluate me. I tell him how I feel. Exactly how I feel.
He tells me he is going to admit me into Austin State Hospital after they medically clear me from here. I tell him that I dont want to go, I try to explain to him that I am not crazy. Far from it. I am the sanest person I know. Im just a mother. Im just a mother who cant deal with life anymore. He says Im going against my will. He has signed the papers. If I try to leave the hospital I will be arrested. Ha , thats funny.So , Im crazy now? Naw , Im not crazy. Im just tired , so tired.
I lay there all day long with the tubes running all over me in and out my body. They're giving me fluids that are gonna save me. The doctors say Im still so sick , that I have to be observed closely. Whatever. I have a bad attitude with them.
I cry all day long. I miss my Phillip. I was so close to being back with him. I dream up ways I can sneak out of the hospital. They wont even let me close my curtain though. Oh yeah , Im a suicide risk. Well thats the one thing that they are right about. No one comes to see me. I have no visitors. Im glad. I dont wanna see anyone.
Im lying there and Im so mad at God. You could have taken me God. You would have forgiven me because I would have explained to you that I just couldnt make it through life , without my baby. You know how I feel. You gave your son too. You had to watch while he was broken on the cross. You had to see him take his last breath. You know how badly I am hurt. Its your fault. You took my son from me.
4/12/2010 - Later
Im at the hospital and I just have the worst attitude with eveyone . They knew I was coming. They ask me questions and I answer them like Im annoyed . And , I am so annoyed . They are messing up my plans. I have failed again. Why cant I ever get anything right? I just wanted to go and be with my boy. Thats all . What kind of monsters are they to make me go on living?
Im back there and they give me this thick black coal to drink. I empty out my Coca Cola bottle and pour it in there , Then I throw it in the trash. I am not helping them save my life. I want to die.
They admit me into the hospital and put me in ICU. My mom comes and she is crying. Asking me if I know what it will do to her if I die . Yes mama I do know. I tell her that I may have failed today but I am going to do it again and again. They have delayed me today but the ending to my story is inevitable. I am going to kill myself no matter what.
Im all by myself in there and Im so sad . Im sad because I am still alive.
Im back there and they give me this thick black coal to drink. I empty out my Coca Cola bottle and pour it in there , Then I throw it in the trash. I am not helping them save my life. I want to die.
They admit me into the hospital and put me in ICU. My mom comes and she is crying. Asking me if I know what it will do to her if I die . Yes mama I do know. I tell her that I may have failed today but I am going to do it again and again. They have delayed me today but the ending to my story is inevitable. I am going to kill myself no matter what.
Im all by myself in there and Im so sad . Im sad because I am still alive.
4/12/2010 - I'm sorry - Early
Yesterday I moved into my nieces house. Everything I own is in boxes in her garage.
I wake up this morning on a mission . I write Jessica a letter saying that Phillips ashes will always be hers. I clean up my nieces house .
Then I go into the bathroom and take 50 of my Metaformin. That is my medicine for my diabetes. My thinking is that it will drop my blood sugar so low that I will go into a coma and then die. Its hard to swallow the pills. Its really hard after awhile. Its like your body is protesting. I keep gagging and then I swallow the acidy metallic taste spit that fills my mouth. And then I take some more. I'm looking at myself in the mirror and I see someone I don't even know. I have huge dark circles around my eyes. My hair is so gray. I guess I missed my monthly date with Ms. Clairol. Then I begin to cry. I feel so guilty. "Please God," I pray "forgive me. Know that I am so sorry ."
I just don't want to wake up another day and not see my son.
My niece calls. What a time to call . I'm on the phone and she hears me crying and I'm telling her, "Its ok . I'm just tired , so tired." She begins to panic .
"I'm sorry , my niece , I love you , I'm just tired."
Then my cousin calls me I tell her what I did because I feel she is too far away to do anything.
My sister shows up and I'm mad. She knows and is going to try to stop me. My other friend comes and she calls the ambulance and I take off walking. I'm not going to the hospital. That would defeat the purpose. I take off down an alley and I have to throw up. I try so hard not too but my stomach leaves me no choice. Then I continue walking.
Here comes my sister begging me to get in the car. I'm pleading with her saying ,
"Please Mary , I cant do it anymore. I just want to be with Phillip . Please understand. Please don't make me live."
Well the police see us and he comes and convinces me to go voluntarily to the hospital. He says if I don't go he's gonna arrest me and make me go against my will.
I feel awful and defeated. Why wont these people leave me alone? Why wont they just let me die. I don't want to live. I want to die. Just let me be and I will. But they are messing up my plans. Leave me alone. Hell is nothing compared to if I have to wake up tomorrow. That is hell. Living is hell . I'm done , I'm through. My children were supposed to be my greatest accomplishment and now they are my greatest failure. I have failed.
I wake up this morning on a mission . I write Jessica a letter saying that Phillips ashes will always be hers. I clean up my nieces house .
Then I go into the bathroom and take 50 of my Metaformin. That is my medicine for my diabetes. My thinking is that it will drop my blood sugar so low that I will go into a coma and then die. Its hard to swallow the pills. Its really hard after awhile. Its like your body is protesting. I keep gagging and then I swallow the acidy metallic taste spit that fills my mouth. And then I take some more. I'm looking at myself in the mirror and I see someone I don't even know. I have huge dark circles around my eyes. My hair is so gray. I guess I missed my monthly date with Ms. Clairol. Then I begin to cry. I feel so guilty. "Please God," I pray "forgive me. Know that I am so sorry ."
I just don't want to wake up another day and not see my son.
My niece calls. What a time to call . I'm on the phone and she hears me crying and I'm telling her, "Its ok . I'm just tired , so tired." She begins to panic .
"I'm sorry , my niece , I love you , I'm just tired."
Then my cousin calls me I tell her what I did because I feel she is too far away to do anything.
My sister shows up and I'm mad. She knows and is going to try to stop me. My other friend comes and she calls the ambulance and I take off walking. I'm not going to the hospital. That would defeat the purpose. I take off down an alley and I have to throw up. I try so hard not too but my stomach leaves me no choice. Then I continue walking.
Here comes my sister begging me to get in the car. I'm pleading with her saying ,
"Please Mary , I cant do it anymore. I just want to be with Phillip . Please understand. Please don't make me live."
Well the police see us and he comes and convinces me to go voluntarily to the hospital. He says if I don't go he's gonna arrest me and make me go against my will.
I feel awful and defeated. Why wont these people leave me alone? Why wont they just let me die. I don't want to live. I want to die. Just let me be and I will. But they are messing up my plans. Leave me alone. Hell is nothing compared to if I have to wake up tomorrow. That is hell. Living is hell . I'm done , I'm through. My children were supposed to be my greatest accomplishment and now they are my greatest failure. I have failed.
4/10/2010 - Time to get ready
I know what I am going to do..I have never been more clear headed or known without a shadow of a doubt what I am going to do.
I have to start packing all of my things. I give away everything. All that I save is some of my clothes and all of Phillips pictures and things like that. Little special things that I pack in Jessica's cedar chest . These are all the things I want to remember. Everything else I give away . I don't want none of it. I don't need it where I'm going. I give away all the furniture , the rugs ,curtains everything.
I'm so tired . I don't wanna sleep. I don't want to eat . I don't want to feel. I want to rest. I'm so tired. I just cant do this anymore.
I have to start packing all of my things. I give away everything. All that I save is some of my clothes and all of Phillips pictures and things like that. Little special things that I pack in Jessica's cedar chest . These are all the things I want to remember. Everything else I give away . I don't want none of it. I don't need it where I'm going. I give away all the furniture , the rugs ,curtains everything.
I'm so tired . I don't wanna sleep. I don't want to eat . I don't want to feel. I want to rest. I'm so tired. I just cant do this anymore.
4/09/2010 - What am I doing ? & Nightmares
Im in a bad moment..
Im about to be kicked out of my house. I cant pay the rent. I knew it was coming . Everyday closer and closer. And every single day I begged myself to get out of bed. Every day I would pump myself to conquer the world . I never got out of bed. Im so scared of the world. I go to the grocery store and their are mothers with their kids and it kills me . Im so jealous of them . Especially if they have teenage boys. I cant do it. I cant ride down the road and see a boy on a bicycle. If I do then I squint my eyes and pretend that is my Phillip. But , its not and it makes me feel worse.
I cant leave my bed. Im supposed to be packing. I have to pack up my sons things again. But , this time I'm not packing his clothes and toys. Now Im packing up the memories of him. His pictures and his candles. This is crazy...
Why did you leave me here God ? You knew that I would be devasted. You knew that I would never be able to go on without him . Why Lord would you even make me try.
And these nightmares. Every single night I wake up freaking out. I have the worst dreams.
I dream that I am in labor all over again. (*** I didnt even have Labor with Phillip , he was delivered by c- section***) Im feeling the horrible contractions tearing my body apart. The doctors are evil and nurses are all weird and freaky looking. Im laying there and theres blood everywhere. Im screaming from the pain and finally I deliver my son. The doctors and nurses all are beaming and praising the beautiful baby I brought into this world. They wrap him and hand me my son and he's all deformed and bloody . They are acting like he's fine and im screaming...then I wake up.
Or I've dreamed of his body laying on a cold steel gurney. This one I have alot. It kills me because Im standing there looking at him and I walk over and lift the sheet and its him again. The same way he looked when I saw him after he was dead. That lifeless body that I cried on. I stand there and just cry and cry , deep hard sobs. He was beautiful.
Im about to be kicked out of my house. I cant pay the rent. I knew it was coming . Everyday closer and closer. And every single day I begged myself to get out of bed. Every day I would pump myself to conquer the world . I never got out of bed. Im so scared of the world. I go to the grocery store and their are mothers with their kids and it kills me . Im so jealous of them . Especially if they have teenage boys. I cant do it. I cant ride down the road and see a boy on a bicycle. If I do then I squint my eyes and pretend that is my Phillip. But , its not and it makes me feel worse.
I cant leave my bed. Im supposed to be packing. I have to pack up my sons things again. But , this time I'm not packing his clothes and toys. Now Im packing up the memories of him. His pictures and his candles. This is crazy...
Why did you leave me here God ? You knew that I would be devasted. You knew that I would never be able to go on without him . Why Lord would you even make me try.
And these nightmares. Every single night I wake up freaking out. I have the worst dreams.
I dream that I am in labor all over again. (*** I didnt even have Labor with Phillip , he was delivered by c- section***) Im feeling the horrible contractions tearing my body apart. The doctors are evil and nurses are all weird and freaky looking. Im laying there and theres blood everywhere. Im screaming from the pain and finally I deliver my son. The doctors and nurses all are beaming and praising the beautiful baby I brought into this world. They wrap him and hand me my son and he's all deformed and bloody . They are acting like he's fine and im screaming...then I wake up.
Or I've dreamed of his body laying on a cold steel gurney. This one I have alot. It kills me because Im standing there looking at him and I walk over and lift the sheet and its him again. The same way he looked when I saw him after he was dead. That lifeless body that I cried on. I stand there and just cry and cry , deep hard sobs. He was beautiful.
3/30/2010
Today is three months that Phillip has been gone......We've never been apart this long. I miss everything about him .
I am starting to think about him...like his physical body. I sometimes allow myself to think about his handsome face. Every once in a while I glance at his picture. He was getting so tall. We would go places and I would look at him and he was taller than me. My big boy.... 5'10" I remember what he looked like in certain clothes. Like his school uniform , he has this one yellow collared shirt that was a lil bit too small on him. But , he looked so cute in it. I remember what he looked like when I would be leaving to work and he would be standing outside waiting for the bus. He would mess with me so bad , he would make me stop to give me a kiss.He would be out there dancing around at the cars and I would see him out the rear view mirror and I would just be laughing at him. It just seems like such a waste to me. He had the potential to be someone great. He was a leader never a follower. When a group of kids were around they flocked him. Everyone wanted to be his friend.
And now he's gone.
He was my world. I feel so lost without him in my life. Its like I don't know how I am supposed to start living again. My mind just doesn't feel right.
Tomorrow is also the ten year anniversary of my Erik...
All my men leave me.
I am starting to think about him...like his physical body. I sometimes allow myself to think about his handsome face. Every once in a while I glance at his picture. He was getting so tall. We would go places and I would look at him and he was taller than me. My big boy.... 5'10" I remember what he looked like in certain clothes. Like his school uniform , he has this one yellow collared shirt that was a lil bit too small on him. But , he looked so cute in it. I remember what he looked like when I would be leaving to work and he would be standing outside waiting for the bus. He would mess with me so bad , he would make me stop to give me a kiss.He would be out there dancing around at the cars and I would see him out the rear view mirror and I would just be laughing at him. It just seems like such a waste to me. He had the potential to be someone great. He was a leader never a follower. When a group of kids were around they flocked him. Everyone wanted to be his friend.
And now he's gone.
He was my world. I feel so lost without him in my life. Its like I don't know how I am supposed to start living again. My mind just doesn't feel right.
Tomorrow is also the ten year anniversary of my Erik...
All my men leave me.
Friday, June 18, 2010
3/28/2010 - Failure is coming
Im losing ground. April 1st is coming and I dont have rent. What the hell? I dont even care. Maybe Ill go be a homeless woman. I could so see myself walking around all dirty and babbling to myself.I would hve to be dirty so no one would want to get near me. The whole world would stay away.I could live at the park and just watch children play all day. Not like in a weird way...but in an admiring way.I could live at the beach , that was your favorite place. Remember when we lived close to the Texas City Dike? You would get off of school and grab something to eat and go fishing. Every single day.
Your daddy likes to think that you were such a great fisherman because of him. But , me and you know the truth right son?
Mommie taught you everything you know.
And then one day you were teaching me. You were so smart.
There was nothing you couldnt do.
Your daddy likes to think that you were such a great fisherman because of him. But , me and you know the truth right son?
Mommie taught you everything you know.
And then one day you were teaching me. You were so smart.
There was nothing you couldnt do.
03/20/2010 - Thinkin about cremation
What am I doing?
I cant leave my room. I have your pictures everywhere but I cant even look at them. I fall asleep looking at your box of ashes. I lay on my side and pull it up close to my stomach. That comforts me. You grew inside of me and to feel you again is nice.
But its not really you. Its your ashes. My sons ashes.
Ive been thinking alot about that. Im glad I didnt bury you because then I would be living at a cemetary. I cant even imagine you in a casket. I cant even imagine you in the ground. You were so free. But now I lay at night and I imagine you on a cold hard steel table. I can see them wheeling your body to be creamated. Maybe I should have been there. Why didnt i think of that? Why didnt they ask me? You were all alone and I let them just burn you up.
Physically you were beautiful. Your face was so handsome and your body was athletic and strong. And mommie let them burn you up. Im sorry. I just wanted to keep what I had left of you with me. I was greedy and selfish and I let you go into that big oven by yourself and I let them set you on fire.
What the hell was I thinkin?
So now I have a white box. Everyone says I should get a urn or something to put you in. I dont want to. I guess Im not ready or whatever. I just like you in this box.I dont know.
Im so lonely. Im tired of looking at these walls.
I cant leave my room. I have your pictures everywhere but I cant even look at them. I fall asleep looking at your box of ashes. I lay on my side and pull it up close to my stomach. That comforts me. You grew inside of me and to feel you again is nice.
But its not really you. Its your ashes. My sons ashes.
Ive been thinking alot about that. Im glad I didnt bury you because then I would be living at a cemetary. I cant even imagine you in a casket. I cant even imagine you in the ground. You were so free. But now I lay at night and I imagine you on a cold hard steel table. I can see them wheeling your body to be creamated. Maybe I should have been there. Why didnt i think of that? Why didnt they ask me? You were all alone and I let them just burn you up.
Physically you were beautiful. Your face was so handsome and your body was athletic and strong. And mommie let them burn you up. Im sorry. I just wanted to keep what I had left of you with me. I was greedy and selfish and I let you go into that big oven by yourself and I let them set you on fire.
What the hell was I thinkin?
So now I have a white box. Everyone says I should get a urn or something to put you in. I dont want to. I guess Im not ready or whatever. I just like you in this box.I dont know.
Im so lonely. Im tired of looking at these walls.
March - Working
So I got a job. Im working for a political candidate whose up for mayor in La Marque. I really dont care about him , its just a job. Its only temporary but I gotta do something. I feel like I woke up from a dream and my life is a mess. I dont have any money , Im so broke. Like flat broke and all the bills are due. Thats whats so messed up. It feels like grieving is only for rich people. They have the luxury of being able to grieve in their time. Ha! Not me . Ive been broke my whole life. I dont want to go out in the world but what choice do I have?
Jessica is still gone from me. I miss her so much .Im so mad at myself because I dont even know how to love her anymore. I mean , dont get me wrong. I love her, I just dont know how to show it to her. What kind of mother have I become?
Jessica is still gone from me. I miss her so much .Im so mad at myself because I dont even know how to love her anymore. I mean , dont get me wrong. I love her, I just dont know how to show it to her. What kind of mother have I become?
March
For ten years ... I have hated the month of March. On March 31 ,2000 , the love of my life Erik passed away. Ten years ago. It was something that I thought I would never recover from. And it was hard. I moved me and my kids up to Nacogdoches to go live in the woods and hide from the world.
Why do all my men leave me?
The summer that I was nineteen I got back into contact with my father. Id had no memories at all about him. So it was like a fresh new beginning. Well he died after that summer.
And then my Angel Erik. I didnt know what it was to be so appreciated by a man before he came into my life. He was my everything. Four years of wonderful memories , then he died.
And now my baby boy..... Maybe its me. Maybe Im cursed.
I miss you Phillip so much. Its been too long. We have never been apart this long.
Its time for you to come on home baby. Because mommie misses you so much. And I will never spank you again. I will never yell at you , I promise.Please come home. Please God let me wake up from this nightmare. Im not gonna make it , I dont even care. I dont want to make it. Their is no hope. I miss you Phillip.
Why do all my men leave me?
The summer that I was nineteen I got back into contact with my father. Id had no memories at all about him. So it was like a fresh new beginning. Well he died after that summer.
And then my Angel Erik. I didnt know what it was to be so appreciated by a man before he came into my life. He was my everything. Four years of wonderful memories , then he died.
And now my baby boy..... Maybe its me. Maybe Im cursed.
I miss you Phillip so much. Its been too long. We have never been apart this long.
Its time for you to come on home baby. Because mommie misses you so much. And I will never spank you again. I will never yell at you , I promise.Please come home. Please God let me wake up from this nightmare. Im not gonna make it , I dont even care. I dont want to make it. Their is no hope. I miss you Phillip.
Tuesday, June 15, 2010
02/30/2010 - Two Months
Im so glad this month doesnt have a 30th......
But its still two months. Ive been having nightmares. I wake up covered in sweat and shaking. I dream about his bloody body crushed and broken. I dont know how much more of this I can take.
But its still two months. Ive been having nightmares. I wake up covered in sweat and shaking. I dream about his bloody body crushed and broken. I dont know how much more of this I can take.
February 2010
Went through most of this month in a haze. I got very good at self medicating myself. I hardly ever leave my room. Im so scared of the world. If I went somewhere it was torture. I hate everyone in the entire world. Im up at night and its hard. Jessica is gone from me. Ive neglected her in my grief and she left me. I dont blame her. Im not a very good mother right now. The whole world has just gone on spinning and Im here ... stuck. People are asking me to go places and be happy. Are they crazy? I dont want to go anywhere. I wanna lay here and just die.
I cant pray. Im so mad at God.
I cant pray. Im so mad at God.
02/14/2010 - Valentines Day
Today is Valentines Day. This sucks more than anyone knows. Im not going to make it through today. Every valentines Phillip made me breakfast in bed. He brought me cereal , toast and coffee and dry horrible eggs and burnt bologna. It was usually horrible but I ate it all. Id make him eat with me. He would draw me cards and pictures. Phillip said I was his valentine. He loved me so much. And it wasnt through his words it was through his actions. He showed me. Now I dont want any one to ever love me again. My boyfriend is gone. My man is a box of ashes. And Im stuck here to live in torture. This is my hell.
1/30/2010 - One Month
One month
One month
One month
Feels like one year...or a million years. One month since I saw my son , talked to him , kissed him. Im still crying all the time. Still thinkin about him constantly. I feel hopeless. I am hopeless there is nothing I want, nothing that makes me smile.
One month
One month
Feels like one year...or a million years. One month since I saw my son , talked to him , kissed him. Im still crying all the time. Still thinkin about him constantly. I feel hopeless. I am hopeless there is nothing I want, nothing that makes me smile.
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