Hello and thank you for joining me on this emotional roller coaster that I would never wish on anyone. If you've never been to this blog before let me tell you some things that might help you. Its better to start at the beginning and for me that was 12/30/2009...if you look to the right you will see blog archive,you can start at the top and work your way down.The beginning is April 18, 2010, It just makes it easier. And everyone please feel free to leave comments or anything you want. I know alot of you have your own special memories that maybe you want to share. Its up to you. I will tell you that this blog is very blunt and very real. Im sorry if it offends anyone , thats not my intention. When I first starting writing it I knew that I would end up telling alot of my little "secrets". But , for me to find my healing I had to face who I really was and the life history that has made me the woman I am today.These are my opinions and views. But, ultimately this is for me not you. So , thank you again and may God bless u.



Cina



Tuesday, June 29, 2010

4/09/2010 - What am I doing ? & Nightmares

Im in a bad moment..


Im about to be kicked out of my house. I cant pay the rent. I knew it was coming . Everyday closer and closer. And every single day I begged myself to get out of bed. Every day I would pump myself to conquer the world . I never got out of bed. Im so scared of the world. I go to the grocery store and their are mothers with their kids and it kills me . Im so jealous of them . Especially if they have teenage boys. I cant do it. I cant ride down the road and see a boy on a bicycle. If I do then I squint my eyes and pretend that is my Phillip. But , its not and it makes me feel worse.
I cant leave my bed. Im supposed to be packing. I have to pack up my sons things again. But , this time I'm not packing his clothes and toys. Now Im packing up the memories of him. His pictures and his candles. This is crazy...

Why did you leave me here God ? You knew that I would be devasted. You knew that I would never be able to go on without him . Why Lord would you even make me try.
And these nightmares. Every single night I wake up freaking out. I have the worst dreams.

I dream that I am in labor all over again. (*** I didnt even have Labor with Phillip , he was delivered by c- section***) Im feeling the horrible contractions tearing my body apart. The doctors are evil and nurses are all weird and freaky looking. Im laying there and theres blood everywhere. Im screaming from the pain and finally I deliver my son. The doctors and nurses all are beaming and praising the beautiful baby I brought into this world. They wrap him and hand me my son and he's all deformed and bloody . They are acting like he's fine and im screaming...then I wake up.

Or I've dreamed of his body laying on a cold steel gurney. This one I have alot. It kills me because Im standing there looking at him and I walk over and lift the sheet and its him again. The same way he looked when I saw him after he was dead. That lifeless body that I cried on. I stand there and just cry and cry , deep hard sobs. He was beautiful.
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