4/12/2010 - I'm sorry - Early

Yesterday I moved into my nieces house. Everything I own is in boxes in her garage.

I wake up this morning on a mission . I write Jessica a letter saying that Phillips ashes will always be hers. I clean up my nieces house .

Then I go into the bathroom and take 50 of my Metaformin. That is my medicine for my diabetes. My thinking is that it will drop my blood sugar so low that I will go into a coma and then die. Its hard to swallow the pills. Its really hard after awhile. Its like your body is protesting. I keep gagging and then I swallow the acidy metallic taste spit that fills my mouth. And then I take some more. I'm looking at myself in the mirror and I see someone I don't even know. I have huge dark circles around my eyes. My hair is so gray. I guess I missed my monthly date with Ms. Clairol. Then I begin to cry. I feel so guilty. "Please God," I pray "forgive me. Know that I am so sorry ."

I just don't want to wake up another day and not see my son.

My niece calls. What a time to call . I'm on the phone and she hears me crying and I'm telling her, "Its ok . I'm just tired , so tired." She begins to panic .
"I'm sorry , my niece , I love you , I'm just tired."

Then my cousin calls me I tell her what I did because I feel she is too far away to do anything.

My sister shows up and I'm mad. She knows and is going to try to stop me. My other friend comes and she calls the ambulance and I take off walking. I'm not going to the hospital. That would defeat the purpose. I take off down an alley and I have to throw up. I try so hard not too but my stomach leaves me no choice. Then I continue walking.

Here comes my sister begging me to get in the car. I'm pleading with her saying ,

"Please Mary , I cant do it anymore. I just want to be with Phillip . Please understand. Please don't make me live."

Well the police see us and he comes and convinces me to go voluntarily to the hospital. He says if I don't go he's gonna arrest me and make me go against my will.

I feel awful and defeated. Why wont these people leave me alone? Why wont they just let me die. I don't want to live. I want to die. Just let me be and I will. But they are messing up my plans. Leave me alone. Hell is nothing compared to if I have to wake up tomorrow. That is hell. Living is hell . I'm done , I'm through. My children were supposed to be my greatest accomplishment and now they are my greatest failure. I have failed.