4/15/2010

Its really late at night. I asked for some paper and I cant stop writing. I was praying earlier...I havent done that in a long time.
I said ,"God why didnt you let me die? Why do I have to go on living?"
Not in a mad way. Just like we were talking to eachother.
I said "Why do I keep living? Why cant I kill myself?"
And God says to me , "What do you want? Tel me what you need?"

Ok , I want my son back . Thats not possible.
"What else do you want?" he says .

So I start telling Him. I want some peace. I wanna be able to go through a whole day and not cry. I want to stop having nightmares , they tear my soul apart. I want to start living again. I want to smile. I just wanna smile so big and mean it. I want a boyfriend. Im tired of being single I have been single for two and a half years. Im lonely. My son was my boyfriend , he occupied all of my time . Now I have nothing. I want soemeone to fill a small piece of my heart. I wanna laugh again. Oh I cant wait to laugh again.

All this God listens to. I felt like he was sitting there with me and he was taking notes.I can see Him nodding his head like yeah I can do that. Im just spilling out everything. I know he cant give me back Phillip but he asked...so Im going to tell Him.

And somewhere deep inside of me I feel a glimmer of Hope. I dont know how or why or even what I am supposed to be doing but hope is there. It feels unfamiliar to me. Its strange but its comforting.
Its like God says to me , "My daughter , Im sorry. I knew you were going to have to do this(my attempt) But I am here for you , if you let me I will help you."

So maybe Im going to be ok. Maybe I will make it through this. Somehow Someway....