Hello and thank you for joining me on this emotional roller coaster that I would never wish on anyone. If you've never been to this blog before let me tell you some things that might help you. Its better to start at the beginning and for me that was 12/30/2009...if you look to the right you will see blog archive,you can start at the top and work your way down.The beginning is April 18, 2010, It just makes it easier. And everyone please feel free to leave comments or anything you want. I know alot of you have your own special memories that maybe you want to share. Its up to you. I will tell you that this blog is very blunt and very real. Im sorry if it offends anyone , thats not my intention. When I first starting writing it I knew that I would end up telling alot of my little "secrets". But , for me to find my healing I had to face who I really was and the life history that has made me the woman I am today.These are my opinions and views. But, ultimately this is for me not you. So , thank you again and may God bless u.



Cina



Tuesday, June 29, 2010

04/13/2010 - The Day After

So i wake up in this hospital room.....

I feel worse than ever.I failed. Im still here and I dont want to be. Why couldnt I have done it right. The doctors come in and they are telling me Im so happy to be alive. Im crying , they think my tears come from shame. No , my tears come because Im alive.They say that its a miracle , with the amount of pills I took I should have easily died. They proclaim that the charcoal must have saved my life. I look at them and tell them I didnt even drink it , I threw it away. They are amazed. Now I truly am a miracle.
Miracle my big toe . Thats not me , Im a mistake. All I am is a failed attempt. I dont want to be alive . I dont want to be here. All they have done is delayed me.

The psychiatrist comes in to evaluate me. I tell him how I feel. Exactly how I feel.
He tells me he is going to admit me into Austin State Hospital after they medically clear me from here. I tell him that I dont want to go, I try to explain to him that I am not crazy. Far from it. I am the sanest person I know. Im just a mother. Im just a mother who cant deal with life anymore. He says Im going against my will. He has signed the papers. If I try to leave the hospital I will be arrested. Ha , thats funny.So , Im crazy now? Naw , Im not crazy. Im just tired , so tired.

I lay there all day long with the tubes running all over me in and out my body. They're giving me fluids that are gonna save me. The doctors say Im still so sick , that I have to be observed closely. Whatever. I have a bad attitude with them.

I cry all day long. I miss my Phillip. I was so close to being back with him. I dream up ways I can sneak out of the hospital. They wont even let me close my curtain though. Oh yeah , Im a suicide risk. Well thats the one thing that they are right about. No one comes to see me. I have no visitors. Im glad. I dont wanna see anyone.

Im lying there and Im so mad at God. You could have taken me God. You would have forgiven me because I would have explained to you that I just couldnt make it through life , without my baby. You know how I feel. You gave your son too. You had to watch while he was broken on the cross. You had to see him take his last breath. You know how badly I am hurt. Its your fault. You took my son from me.
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