Wednesday, May 5, 2010
F.Y.I.
(*** Just wanted to say something...I dont really mention my daughter Jessica too much here. Theres a reason for that. I wanted to respect her privacy and her feelings. She was right there with me and its been hard on both of us. This has been the hardest thing that she has ever had to deal with too...and I wanted to keep her struggles private.***)
A Poem - Whats My Pain
This is a poem I wrote for my son......
Whats My Pain?
My pain is grief.
People telling me, you have to grieve
but not knowing how to...
My pain runs deep.
so deep it hides in my blood and every
cell in my body...
My pain is loss.
My pain is forever because how
can I ever smile again?
My pain is seeing my sons broken body
lying on the side of the road....
and hearing him call mommie
and I cant answer.
My pain is his wedding day.
It will never come and I will never
meet my daughter in law.
My pain is my granddaughter....
shes named after me and I will never hold her.
My pain is never feeling whole again.
My pain is never wanting to be happy again.
My pain is the huge hole in my heart...
and the even bigger void in my soul.
My pain is the tears that never seem to stop.
My pain is every single memory of u son that
I'm so scared to forget...
but i refuse to let myself remember.
My pain is your beautiful face..
and your crooked lip..
and the dirty nails that drove me crazy.
My pain is knowing every single line of ur face..
but knowing if i allow myself to think of them
it will destroy me.
My pain is that I have to live....
and my son is dead.
Thats my pain.
Whats My Pain?
My pain is grief.
People telling me, you have to grieve
but not knowing how to...
My pain runs deep.
so deep it hides in my blood and every
cell in my body...
My pain is loss.
My pain is forever because how
can I ever smile again?
My pain is seeing my sons broken body
lying on the side of the road....
and hearing him call mommie
and I cant answer.
My pain is his wedding day.
It will never come and I will never
meet my daughter in law.
My pain is my granddaughter....
shes named after me and I will never hold her.
My pain is never feeling whole again.
My pain is never wanting to be happy again.
My pain is the huge hole in my heart...
and the even bigger void in my soul.
My pain is the tears that never seem to stop.
My pain is every single memory of u son that
I'm so scared to forget...
but i refuse to let myself remember.
My pain is your beautiful face..
and your crooked lip..
and the dirty nails that drove me crazy.
My pain is knowing every single line of ur face..
but knowing if i allow myself to think of them
it will destroy me.
My pain is that I have to live....
and my son is dead.
Thats my pain.
01/28/2010- My sister to the rescue....
Today my sister comes and she sees me. She sees that I am a mess. She sees that Im not going to make it if I stay here. Im going with her...
She feels the sadness in my house. She comes and sits in my room and just cries and cries with me.
"I came here to comfort you" she says. "But , I am just overcome with sadness here."
I pack some things and I come back with her to Texas City. Im around people now and its not so hard. It still hurts but Im around people who love me. These are people who loved my son too. They know how special he was because he touched their lives too.
We are at a friends house and they are making a big breakfast for everyone. My friend has alot of little kids and they are all sitting at the bar and watching their daddy cook breakfast in the kitchen.
Im looking at them and my heart begins to sink...
Phillip loved to eat, he would have been so happy happy if he was here right now.
Here comes the sadness....
I look and one of her kids is looking at me . I guess hes around 3. A quiet boy with a beautiful face. Hes looking at me and Im looking at him and he looks up to the ceiling. Hes looking up and then he looks back to me and smiles this huge big smile.
My heart jumped out of my body....that was my SON!
He is here with me and he doesnt want me sad. That was his way of showing me that hes here. He hasnt left me. How could he?
She feels the sadness in my house. She comes and sits in my room and just cries and cries with me.
"I came here to comfort you" she says. "But , I am just overcome with sadness here."
I pack some things and I come back with her to Texas City. Im around people now and its not so hard. It still hurts but Im around people who love me. These are people who loved my son too. They know how special he was because he touched their lives too.
We are at a friends house and they are making a big breakfast for everyone. My friend has alot of little kids and they are all sitting at the bar and watching their daddy cook breakfast in the kitchen.
Im looking at them and my heart begins to sink...
Phillip loved to eat, he would have been so happy happy if he was here right now.
Here comes the sadness....
I look and one of her kids is looking at me . I guess hes around 3. A quiet boy with a beautiful face. Hes looking at me and Im looking at him and he looks up to the ceiling. Hes looking up and then he looks back to me and smiles this huge big smile.
My heart jumped out of my body....that was my SON!
He is here with me and he doesnt want me sad. That was his way of showing me that hes here. He hasnt left me. How could he?
01/26/2010 -Tired
I wake up and I look at myself in the mirror. The reflection that looks back me is terrifying.
I look bad...my eyes are swollen. My face is puffy and I look old. My hair is tangled and knotted...I havent combed it in days.
I have so much gray hair...I feel like ive aged twenty years since Phillip died.
I dont have any strength left in me. My body is tired and weak.
I go back to bed and stay there for days...I have no more energy to fight. No will left to live.
I look bad...my eyes are swollen. My face is puffy and I look old. My hair is tangled and knotted...I havent combed it in days.
I have so much gray hair...I feel like ive aged twenty years since Phillip died.
I dont have any strength left in me. My body is tired and weak.
I go back to bed and stay there for days...I have no more energy to fight. No will left to live.
01/25/2010 - Late
I'm laying in my bed ...its late.
Nights are hard.
I cant sleep because I slept all day.
That's when I hear it.....
(***This is hard for me to share , because I don't think I'm crazy. But , these words are true...whether they are real or not , I don't know. But , they are true***)
Clear as day . I hear,
"Did you love ur son?"
"Yes," I answer, "More than anything."
"He needs you."
" Anything..I will do anything." I say.
" He wants you to be with him , he's hurting because he misses his mommie."
And then I break. I sit up and the room is dark. There is candles lit but the room is dark. And theres shadows everywhere. I see them dancing around, on the wall and ceiling. I'm scared but I'm not.
" You have to go get him," ...Clear as day. It was as if someone was sitting there next to me having a conversation.
"I'll go..wherever, whatever."
"You have to kill yourself. You have to be dead to go and find him. He needs you so bad. he's crying for you."
Now , I'm frantic..
"What about Jessica? She needs me too." I say
" Jessica will kill herself too. After you are gone she will join you and the three of you will be together again. It will be beautiful , you will have both of your children."
"But , its wrong...The Bible says so," I'm crying now " The bible says I will go to hell"
"God will forgive you ," the voice says .
Yes yes..that's what I have been saying..God will understand. God wants us to be happy. He gave us joy and peace. he loves us and wants us to be happy.
"Tricina , " the voice says..." Your son needs you, he's scared, he's crying, he needs his mommie."
My heart is breaking. Phillip is sad. I knew it. And hes crying because he needs me. Of course he needs me. I'm his mommie I was there. when he cried I was there to wipe his tears. When he hurt himself I was there. I'm his mommie I have to go to him...my baby needs me. I grew him in my body and I gave him life..and now hes dead and hes scared . And , I'm sitting here not doing nothing about it.What kind of mother am I?
NO No NO....its wrong! The Bible says so...Its wrong...I start praying,
"Jesus please come Jesus. Make this voice go away. please In the name of Jesus please God save me...I know its wrong but it sounds so right Jesus. Please wash me with your blood Lord , come now because I'm failing Lord. "
I pray and pray...all the words I grew up hearing my aunts and grandma say...they spill out of me. Prayers I have not said for years are coming from my lips. I begin to speak in tongues, something I haven't done in a long time. The sounds are unfamiliar but they are comforting. The room begins to lighten up. The shadows fade . And I feel God. Oh Jesus I feel you here with me. I feel you holding me like a child. I feel your arms wrapped around me. Lord thank you Jesus.
Thank you Jesus.
Nights are hard.
I cant sleep because I slept all day.
That's when I hear it.....
(***This is hard for me to share , because I don't think I'm crazy. But , these words are true...whether they are real or not , I don't know. But , they are true***)
Clear as day . I hear,
"Did you love ur son?"
"Yes," I answer, "More than anything."
"He needs you."
" Anything..I will do anything." I say.
" He wants you to be with him , he's hurting because he misses his mommie."
And then I break. I sit up and the room is dark. There is candles lit but the room is dark. And theres shadows everywhere. I see them dancing around, on the wall and ceiling. I'm scared but I'm not.
" You have to go get him," ...Clear as day. It was as if someone was sitting there next to me having a conversation.
"I'll go..wherever, whatever."
"You have to kill yourself. You have to be dead to go and find him. He needs you so bad. he's crying for you."
Now , I'm frantic..
"What about Jessica? She needs me too." I say
" Jessica will kill herself too. After you are gone she will join you and the three of you will be together again. It will be beautiful , you will have both of your children."
"But , its wrong...The Bible says so," I'm crying now " The bible says I will go to hell"
"God will forgive you ," the voice says .
Yes yes..that's what I have been saying..God will understand. God wants us to be happy. He gave us joy and peace. he loves us and wants us to be happy.
"Tricina , " the voice says..." Your son needs you, he's scared, he's crying, he needs his mommie."
My heart is breaking. Phillip is sad. I knew it. And hes crying because he needs me. Of course he needs me. I'm his mommie I was there. when he cried I was there to wipe his tears. When he hurt himself I was there. I'm his mommie I have to go to him...my baby needs me. I grew him in my body and I gave him life..and now hes dead and hes scared . And , I'm sitting here not doing nothing about it.What kind of mother am I?
NO No NO....its wrong! The Bible says so...Its wrong...I start praying,
"Jesus please come Jesus. Make this voice go away. please In the name of Jesus please God save me...I know its wrong but it sounds so right Jesus. Please wash me with your blood Lord , come now because I'm failing Lord. "
I pray and pray...all the words I grew up hearing my aunts and grandma say...they spill out of me. Prayers I have not said for years are coming from my lips. I begin to speak in tongues, something I haven't done in a long time. The sounds are unfamiliar but they are comforting. The room begins to lighten up. The shadows fade . And I feel God. Oh Jesus I feel you here with me. I feel you holding me like a child. I feel your arms wrapped around me. Lord thank you Jesus.
Thank you Jesus.
01/25/2010- Early
I sleep all day long. When I wake up I make myself go back to sleep...I dont eat. I havent eaten for days. Food tastes horrible. My body is weak and tired so I sleep.
01/24/2010- Late
I should have called someone. I should have went somewhere. But , that's never been me. I would rather run and go hide from the world. My pain is my own.
My room is filled with pictures and candles. All the lights are off and I'm sitting here with the candles flickering but its still so dark. And I'm looking at the place in the bed next to me where Phillip slept. This pain is too much. I begin to talk to him. I'm begging him to come to me , anything. Please do something.What if he thinks Ive forgotten about him. What if hes looking at me right now and hes hurting because I don't feel him? What if hes sad because he sees me hurting and he cant help me? I cant look at his picture because its like a knife through my body. Seriously. His face is just too much. I wanna be dead like him.....
I get up and get dressed and I leave the house. Once again I don't know why I walked. I could have drove but here I am walking. Its really late and its so cold. I know where I am going. I am going to the place where my son died. I wanna die too. I know that if I die in that spot we will be together again. He will come down from Heaven and take me away. He will be a grown man because that's what the bible says...He will pick up my dead soul and take me to heaven. And he will be my son again. I will be his mother and I will hold him and kiss his beautiful face. And this time it wont be cold and hard. This time it will soft and warm. And God will forgive me for killing myself. God will see that it was too much. He will understand because he had to sacrifice his child too. He knows how I feel right now.God will forgive me and let me be with Phillip again. Suicide is wrong but this isn't out of selfishness .... this is desperation. This is all I have left.All I have left to give to my son.... is my life.
I finally get to the accident scene. I sit next to the flowers that are already old and dying. They were so beautiful and now they are withered and ugly. Their colors were vibrant and alive and now they are faded and dead. I sit there and I cry. And I pray...I pray hard that God will take me...Right now , let my heart stop. Please God don't make me kill myself. You do it. Please..I'm fat and unhealthy...I smoke cigarettes constantly. I smoke other things constantly. I eat sugar and salt. Take me now. Anything. I'm lying on the side of the road like a crazy woman. I think I have finally lost my mind. Me and God have this conversation for about an hour. Only thing is he does nothing...He doesn't take me ...He doesn't kill me. I want a car to hit me and theres not even any cars!!! This is a highway...where are the cars?? And theres NONE. Not one seriously.
I walk home so sad. I have failed again. I'm still alive and my son is dead.
On the way home I feel so sad...its like a weight on my shoulders. Literally. It makes me slump from the weight. My mouth is turned down and my eyes are so heavy. I feel defeated. I went out there to die. And I punked out. I went out there to die in the spot where my son died and I failed. I have failed him again. I couldn't keep him alive and now I cant even join him. The pain is too much. This burden is too heavy for my shoulders.
My room is filled with pictures and candles. All the lights are off and I'm sitting here with the candles flickering but its still so dark. And I'm looking at the place in the bed next to me where Phillip slept. This pain is too much. I begin to talk to him. I'm begging him to come to me , anything. Please do something.What if he thinks Ive forgotten about him. What if hes looking at me right now and hes hurting because I don't feel him? What if hes sad because he sees me hurting and he cant help me? I cant look at his picture because its like a knife through my body. Seriously. His face is just too much. I wanna be dead like him.....
I get up and get dressed and I leave the house. Once again I don't know why I walked. I could have drove but here I am walking. Its really late and its so cold. I know where I am going. I am going to the place where my son died. I wanna die too. I know that if I die in that spot we will be together again. He will come down from Heaven and take me away. He will be a grown man because that's what the bible says...He will pick up my dead soul and take me to heaven. And he will be my son again. I will be his mother and I will hold him and kiss his beautiful face. And this time it wont be cold and hard. This time it will soft and warm. And God will forgive me for killing myself. God will see that it was too much. He will understand because he had to sacrifice his child too. He knows how I feel right now.God will forgive me and let me be with Phillip again. Suicide is wrong but this isn't out of selfishness .... this is desperation. This is all I have left.All I have left to give to my son.... is my life.
I finally get to the accident scene. I sit next to the flowers that are already old and dying. They were so beautiful and now they are withered and ugly. Their colors were vibrant and alive and now they are faded and dead. I sit there and I cry. And I pray...I pray hard that God will take me...Right now , let my heart stop. Please God don't make me kill myself. You do it. Please..I'm fat and unhealthy...I smoke cigarettes constantly. I smoke other things constantly. I eat sugar and salt. Take me now. Anything. I'm lying on the side of the road like a crazy woman. I think I have finally lost my mind. Me and God have this conversation for about an hour. Only thing is he does nothing...He doesn't take me ...He doesn't kill me. I want a car to hit me and theres not even any cars!!! This is a highway...where are the cars?? And theres NONE. Not one seriously.
I walk home so sad. I have failed again. I'm still alive and my son is dead.
On the way home I feel so sad...its like a weight on my shoulders. Literally. It makes me slump from the weight. My mouth is turned down and my eyes are so heavy. I feel defeated. I went out there to die. And I punked out. I went out there to die in the spot where my son died and I failed. I have failed him again. I couldn't keep him alive and now I cant even join him. The pain is too much. This burden is too heavy for my shoulders.
01/24/2010 (Early)
Jessica is leaving me tonight. She wants to go with her friends and I have to let her. Its the hardest thing. I get so panicky and nervous. But , I am willing , not ready to let her go.
Only thing is....
I know tonight I will be alone.
Im terrifed of tonight because I know.
I know what has been trying to get at me.
I know what has been building in me.
I know the voices in the back of my head that I have been trying to ignore.
I know
I know
I know........
Only thing is....
I know tonight I will be alone.
Im terrifed of tonight because I know.
I know what has been trying to get at me.
I know what has been building in me.
I know the voices in the back of my head that I have been trying to ignore.
I know
I know
I know........
01/23/2010 - Insurance Lady
I'm gonna try to go to work again. I'm trying , I am. I don't show anyone my pain. If I see them looking at me , I look away. My pain is my own. I don't wanna share it with anyone. I'm greedy , he was mine.
The day is actually going pretty good. I have moments but I hold them in and actually move past them. That's a first. I'm working hard and it feels great. But , I guess with all this optimism I am only setting myself up for failure. I get a message that the insurance company is trying to get ahold of me. I pray before I call. God says have faith where there is none. OK God , imma give ya this one...
The woman tells me , "Mrs .Duran, we have decided that your son was at fault so therefore we are only prepared to pay a portion of his funeral and a month of your rent."
"It was an accident woman " I reply , "He was only a child how was he at fault? No one ever means to get in an accident that's why they are called ACCIDENTS!!!" I turn into a crazy woman. Someone takes the phone from me and I fall to my knees. Its not his fault...he was a baby. He cant be blamed. He was my baby and your telling me it was his fault?? No No No , I cant handle that. I have to leave work. I'm a mess. I go to my moms and just curl up on the couch and cry. I don't want money , that's not it. But I don't want Phillip to be responsible. I want him to be this perfect innocent child and they are taking that away from me. Maybe it was his fault but I don't care .
This feels too much like he took himself away from me. And he knew better.
The day is actually going pretty good. I have moments but I hold them in and actually move past them. That's a first. I'm working hard and it feels great. But , I guess with all this optimism I am only setting myself up for failure. I get a message that the insurance company is trying to get ahold of me. I pray before I call. God says have faith where there is none. OK God , imma give ya this one...
The woman tells me , "Mrs .Duran, we have decided that your son was at fault so therefore we are only prepared to pay a portion of his funeral and a month of your rent."
"It was an accident woman " I reply , "He was only a child how was he at fault? No one ever means to get in an accident that's why they are called ACCIDENTS!!!" I turn into a crazy woman. Someone takes the phone from me and I fall to my knees. Its not his fault...he was a baby. He cant be blamed. He was my baby and your telling me it was his fault?? No No No , I cant handle that. I have to leave work. I'm a mess. I go to my moms and just curl up on the couch and cry. I don't want money , that's not it. But I don't want Phillip to be responsible. I want him to be this perfect innocent child and they are taking that away from me. Maybe it was his fault but I don't care .
This feels too much like he took himself away from me. And he knew better.
Monday, May 3, 2010
01/22/2010 - His Things.
I didnt go to work today...
Jessica had a rough time at school. I had to go pick her up.
Why cant we just go on with our lives?? It is so frustrating. I am living in hell. Hell on earth. I cant go on for the rest of my life like this..How does God expect me to wake up everyday for the rest of my life and not look at my son? I dont know how to help or comfort my daughter. Im scared to death to leave this house. I go outside and theres kids playing and my heart is just ripped out. I dont want to see stupid people walking around with their beautiful sons. My son was beautiful and now hes a freaking box of ashes...and it sucks. He was athletic and so smart and now hes nothing. Im nothing , my life is shit..he deserves a life not me.
We go through the day like robots..I feel so numb and tears are never far away. I cant stop crying and im really tired of it. My head hurts all the time because all i do is cry. Just when I think I have no more tears..here they come. EVERYTHING reminds me of him. Stupid stuff , like ill find a BB on the floor or see food he loved. Its like I just wanna sit there with a blindfold on and ear plugs. I dont want to expierience anything. I just want to be numb.
Today I decide to go through all his stuff. I got these big plastic containers to put his things in. Im standing in the closet and all his clothes are hanging there. I look around and hes everywhere. I fold everything so neat and nice and I pack them.I find lil pieces of paper and weird little things he made. All of it goes in the box. Nothing goes in the trash. This is all I have. All I have is plastic storage boxes filled with my sons things. Its soo unfair. And it hurts so bad. Its time for me to go through the dirty clothes hamper. Heres his clothes and they smell so much like him. They stink , because he always stank...and they are filthy. He was a boy and he always smelled like a boy. And its the most beautiful smell in the world to me .I hold his dirty laundry to my face and inhale deep and im almost intoxicated. My head spins and my heart flutters because he is here. He is holding me and im wrapped in his arms.
But its not...Hes not here.I cry so hard. Those long gut wrenching tears that come from so deep inside of me. Its nauseating. I get sick to my stomach and have to go throw up. How do you put your childs life in boxes?? Why do I have to do this? And why am I so alone? Why did everyone leave me? Did everyone really think that I just go back to life? That I would just be okay?
Im not. Im not okay.
Jessica had a rough time at school. I had to go pick her up.
Why cant we just go on with our lives?? It is so frustrating. I am living in hell. Hell on earth. I cant go on for the rest of my life like this..How does God expect me to wake up everyday for the rest of my life and not look at my son? I dont know how to help or comfort my daughter. Im scared to death to leave this house. I go outside and theres kids playing and my heart is just ripped out. I dont want to see stupid people walking around with their beautiful sons. My son was beautiful and now hes a freaking box of ashes...and it sucks. He was athletic and so smart and now hes nothing. Im nothing , my life is shit..he deserves a life not me.
We go through the day like robots..I feel so numb and tears are never far away. I cant stop crying and im really tired of it. My head hurts all the time because all i do is cry. Just when I think I have no more tears..here they come. EVERYTHING reminds me of him. Stupid stuff , like ill find a BB on the floor or see food he loved. Its like I just wanna sit there with a blindfold on and ear plugs. I dont want to expierience anything. I just want to be numb.
Today I decide to go through all his stuff. I got these big plastic containers to put his things in. Im standing in the closet and all his clothes are hanging there. I look around and hes everywhere. I fold everything so neat and nice and I pack them.I find lil pieces of paper and weird little things he made. All of it goes in the box. Nothing goes in the trash. This is all I have. All I have is plastic storage boxes filled with my sons things. Its soo unfair. And it hurts so bad. Its time for me to go through the dirty clothes hamper. Heres his clothes and they smell so much like him. They stink , because he always stank...and they are filthy. He was a boy and he always smelled like a boy. And its the most beautiful smell in the world to me .I hold his dirty laundry to my face and inhale deep and im almost intoxicated. My head spins and my heart flutters because he is here. He is holding me and im wrapped in his arms.
But its not...Hes not here.I cry so hard. Those long gut wrenching tears that come from so deep inside of me. Its nauseating. I get sick to my stomach and have to go throw up. How do you put your childs life in boxes?? Why do I have to do this? And why am I so alone? Why did everyone leave me? Did everyone really think that I just go back to life? That I would just be okay?
Im not. Im not okay.
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