I should have called someone. I should have went somewhere. But , that's never been me. I would rather run and go hide from the world. My pain is my own.
My room is filled with pictures and candles. All the lights are off and I'm sitting here with the candles flickering but its still so dark. And I'm looking at the place in the bed next to me where Phillip slept. This pain is too much. I begin to talk to him. I'm begging him to come to me , anything. Please do something.What if he thinks Ive forgotten about him. What if hes looking at me right now and hes hurting because I don't feel him? What if hes sad because he sees me hurting and he cant help me? I cant look at his picture because its like a knife through my body. Seriously. His face is just too much. I wanna be dead like him.....
I get up and get dressed and I leave the house. Once again I don't know why I walked. I could have drove but here I am walking. Its really late and its so cold. I know where I am going. I am going to the place where my son died. I wanna die too. I know that if I die in that spot we will be together again. He will come down from Heaven and take me away. He will be a grown man because that's what the bible says...He will pick up my dead soul and take me to heaven. And he will be my son again. I will be his mother and I will hold him and kiss his beautiful face. And this time it wont be cold and hard. This time it will soft and warm. And God will forgive me for killing myself. God will see that it was too much. He will understand because he had to sacrifice his child too. He knows how I feel right now.God will forgive me and let me be with Phillip again. Suicide is wrong but this isn't out of selfishness .... this is desperation. This is all I have left.All I have left to give to my son.... is my life.
I finally get to the accident scene. I sit next to the flowers that are already old and dying. They were so beautiful and now they are withered and ugly. Their colors were vibrant and alive and now they are faded and dead. I sit there and I cry. And I pray...I pray hard that God will take me...Right now , let my heart stop. Please God don't make me kill myself. You do it. Please..I'm fat and unhealthy...I smoke cigarettes constantly. I smoke other things constantly. I eat sugar and salt. Take me now. Anything. I'm lying on the side of the road like a crazy woman. I think I have finally lost my mind. Me and God have this conversation for about an hour. Only thing is he does nothing...He doesn't take me ...He doesn't kill me. I want a car to hit me and theres not even any cars!!! This is a highway...where are the cars?? And theres NONE. Not one seriously.
I walk home so sad. I have failed again. I'm still alive and my son is dead.
On the way home I feel so sad...its like a weight on my shoulders. Literally. It makes me slump from the weight. My mouth is turned down and my eyes are so heavy. I feel defeated. I went out there to die. And I punked out. I went out there to die in the spot where my son died and I failed. I have failed him again. I couldn't keep him alive and now I cant even join him. The pain is too much. This burden is too heavy for my shoulders.
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