01/25/2010 - Late

I'm laying in my bed ...its late.
Nights are hard.
I cant sleep because I slept all day.
That's when I hear it.....

(***This is hard for me to share , because I don't think I'm crazy. But , these words are true...whether they are real or not , I don't know. But , they are true***)

Clear as day . I hear,
"Did you love ur son?"
"Yes," I answer, "More than anything."
"He needs you."
" Anything..I will do anything." I say.
" He wants you to be with him , he's hurting because he misses his mommie."

And then I break. I sit up and the room is dark. There is candles lit but the room is dark. And theres shadows everywhere. I see them dancing around, on the wall and ceiling. I'm scared but I'm not.

" You have to go get him," ...Clear as day. It was as if someone was sitting there next to me having a conversation.
"I'll go..wherever, whatever."
"You have to kill yourself. You have to be dead to go and find him. He needs you so bad. he's crying for you."
Now , I'm frantic..
"What about Jessica? She needs me too." I say
" Jessica will kill herself too. After you are gone she will join you and the three of you will be together again. It will be beautiful , you will have both of your children."
"But , its wrong...The Bible says so," I'm crying now " The bible says I will go to hell"
"God will forgive you ," the voice says .

Yes yes..that's what I have been saying..God will understand. God wants us to be happy. He gave us joy and peace. he loves us and wants us to be happy.

"Tricina , " the voice says..." Your son needs you, he's scared, he's crying, he needs his mommie."

My heart is breaking. Phillip is sad. I knew it. And hes crying because he needs me. Of course he needs me. I'm his mommie I was there. when he cried I was there to wipe his tears. When he hurt himself I was there. I'm his mommie I have to go to him...my baby needs me. I grew him in my body and I gave him life..and now hes dead and hes scared . And , I'm sitting here not doing nothing about it.What kind of mother am I?

NO No NO....its wrong! The Bible says so...Its wrong...I start praying,
"Jesus please come Jesus. Make this voice go away. please In the name of Jesus please God save me...I know its wrong but it sounds so right Jesus. Please wash me with your blood Lord , come now because I'm failing Lord. "

I pray and pray...all the words I grew up hearing my aunts and grandma say...they spill out of me. Prayers I have not said for years are coming from my lips. I begin to speak in tongues, something I haven't done in a long time. The sounds are unfamiliar but they are comforting. The room begins to lighten up. The shadows fade . And I feel God. Oh Jesus I feel you here with me. I feel you holding me like a child. I feel your arms wrapped around me. Lord thank you Jesus.


Thank you Jesus.