Friday, July 16, 2010
Dear Mama - Tupac....
Phillip knew every word of this song and he loved to sing it to me....its hard to listen to it now because i hear his voice singing it to me.......
Tuesday, July 6, 2010
These were obituary posts.......
jonah solano Says: January 4th, 2010 at 6:50 pm YOUR FAMILY WILL BE IN MY PRAYERS.WE WENT TO SAME SCHOOL.
Linda Lafuente Says: January 4th, 2010 at 7:01 pm I didnt really know phillip that well but when i met him for the very first time he seemed like a very cool person,every now and then we would say hi to each other.and when we would he would always be laughing or would be smiling when i spoke to him!…he was a very happy person who brought joy to me and everyone else i knew!,you will be missed very much phillip duran!=’[
Kyle Nederdaels Says: January 5th, 2010 at 5:46 pm Phillip was one of my friends. We were on the same basketball team for a couple weeks . He was a very good person and he allways made me laugh. He will always be in my prayers. I will never forget the guy. You will be missed.
Laura Says: January 6th, 2010 at 12:40 pm i didnt really know phillip but my friend all ways said hi to him i always smiled at him because i really didnt know him dat much i just wanted sorry for his tragedy. i will always pray for his accident and wish the best of luck to keep on strudding forward.
angelina Says: January 6th, 2010 at 12:42 pm i am sorry for your son’s tragedy i didnt know him that much im so sorry!:(
Laura Says: January 6th, 2010 at 12:51 pm i wasnt in the same grade as him but he seemed a cool guy to me just looking at his face and seeing his friends laugh. i am really sorry for ur son’s tragedy i really didnt know him dat much but my friend always stopped and waived hello or say it i always smiled at him because i was kind of shy and i didnt know him. he will always be in my prayers. just think positive things and u will keep on strudding forward so do ur best
Karen Neerdaels Says: January 7th, 2010 at 3:29 pm I am so sorry for your loss. I know this is a very difficult time for your family. Please except my heart felt condolences. May God Bless you and comfort you in the days ahead.
aide gomez Says: January 13th, 2010 at 11:24 am i give my condolences phillip was a great friend and always remenber
mama Says: January 27th, 2010 at 9:29 am I AM VERY SORRY FOR YOUR LOST. I LOST MY SON NOV.14.2009. HE WAS ONLY 4 MONTHS OLD. A DAY DOESNT GO BY THAT I DONT THINK OF HIM. I FEEL FOR YALLS FAMILY. GOD BLESS YALL
Linda Lafuente Says: January 4th, 2010 at 7:01 pm I didnt really know phillip that well but when i met him for the very first time he seemed like a very cool person,every now and then we would say hi to each other.and when we would he would always be laughing or would be smiling when i spoke to him!…he was a very happy person who brought joy to me and everyone else i knew!,you will be missed very much phillip duran!=’[
Kyle Nederdaels Says: January 5th, 2010 at 5:46 pm Phillip was one of my friends. We were on the same basketball team for a couple weeks . He was a very good person and he allways made me laugh. He will always be in my prayers. I will never forget the guy. You will be missed.
Laura Says: January 6th, 2010 at 12:40 pm i didnt really know phillip but my friend all ways said hi to him i always smiled at him because i really didnt know him dat much i just wanted sorry for his tragedy. i will always pray for his accident and wish the best of luck to keep on strudding forward.
angelina Says: January 6th, 2010 at 12:42 pm i am sorry for your son’s tragedy i didnt know him that much im so sorry!:(
Laura Says: January 6th, 2010 at 12:51 pm i wasnt in the same grade as him but he seemed a cool guy to me just looking at his face and seeing his friends laugh. i am really sorry for ur son’s tragedy i really didnt know him dat much but my friend always stopped and waived hello or say it i always smiled at him because i was kind of shy and i didnt know him. he will always be in my prayers. just think positive things and u will keep on strudding forward so do ur best
Karen Neerdaels Says: January 7th, 2010 at 3:29 pm I am so sorry for your loss. I know this is a very difficult time for your family. Please except my heart felt condolences. May God Bless you and comfort you in the days ahead.
aide gomez Says: January 13th, 2010 at 11:24 am i give my condolences phillip was a great friend and always remenber
mama Says: January 27th, 2010 at 9:29 am I AM VERY SORRY FOR YOUR LOST. I LOST MY SON NOV.14.2009. HE WAS ONLY 4 MONTHS OLD. A DAY DOESNT GO BY THAT I DONT THINK OF HIM. I FEEL FOR YALLS FAMILY. GOD BLESS YALL
Thursday, July 1, 2010
A Memory I'd Like to share -
When I found out that I was pregnant with Phillip it was not a good time for me . Well let me back up ....when I found out I was pregnant with Jessica it was the happiest day of my life. It was the most wonderful pregnancy because she was so wanted and loved by everyone. My life was full of my family , surrounded by everyone I loved.
So...back to Phillip...
When I found out I was pregnant with him life was really hard for me . Me and Andrew were having alot of problems. I filed for divorce. Jessica was like one and a half then , and consumed every single second of my time . Two weeks after I left Andy after our worst fight ever...I know I'm pregnant. My mom kept telling me that I was. I didn't believe her. I kept saying no no no. Well one day I took off work early and I went to the clinic. I didn't tell anyone , I just snuck off by myself. I remember sitting there filling out the paperwork and I was praying not to be pregnant. I just couldn't do it , I had too many things to deal with right now. My marriage was over and I was living with my mom again.
Well, obviously the test was positive.
I drove out to the Texas City Dike and sat there by the water and cried and cried.
I did not want another baby. Jessica was the most spoiled little girl ever and I couldn't do it again. I spent too much time devoted to her. I sat there for hours and I prayed. I prayed that God would give me a miscarriage.
I decided to have an abortion. When I was a teenager I got pregnant three times. I didn't have a child until I was 21 years old and that was Jessica. I had three abortions. I didn't want to be a mother , I was too selfish and self- centered. I thought the world revolved around me and was having the party of my life. I was a drunk drug addicted teenager living on her own and I had three abortions. I have dealt with it. It was mistakes that I made.....
So , I decide that this time I need to have another abortion. I made me an appointment but never went.
I am so glad that this time I made the right choice.......
When I was 30 weeks along in my pregnancy my doctor ordered me on total bed rest in the hospital. This was the time that I really began to get to know my son. I was finally so happy to be having another child. All my fears and worries meant nothing because there was this miracle growing inside of me.He moved constantly , he was very active , day and night.
When I was 35 weeks pregnant I woke up one night in the hospital and I was sick. I was nauseous and throwing up. My doctor came and did an ultrasound and examination and told me I was going right then for an emergency cesarean. My baby was in distress. I was terrified . I grab the phone and try to call Andrew , no answer. I tried to call my mother in law, no answer. I tried to call my mom , sister and friend. Still no answer. So I knew I ws going to do this alone. I was crying so bad and they were prepping me for surgery and I was just shaking and terrified that my baby was going to die. I remembered the times when I begged God to let me have a miscarriage and I tried to bargain with God that if he let my son live that I would love him every day of his life. I prayed that God would forgive me for the other three children that I aborted and just give me a chance to be a mother again. I just knew that God was gonna take him from me because I hadn't appreciated him enough.
And then...
Like a voice in the back of my head I hear my fathers voice. He says , "Tricina , quit crying. Your son is going to be fine. Everyone is gonna think he's sick but he's not."
Suddenly I felt so relaxed. I stopped crying and I knew that everything was gonna be okay. Phillip was born five weeks premature and weighed 8lbs 7 1/2 ounces. He was a big boy but his lungs were not developed yet. He went straight to the NICU. The first time I saw him he was covered in wires and surrounded by machines. He had an IV in his head and one in his foot.They had used medicine to paralyze him and he was completely dependant on a machine to breathe for him. He didn't breathe on his own till he was three days old.He looked so helpless laying there bright red , because his skin pigment wasn't ready yet.
But , I dint worry about him .
I knew he was going to be okay because my father told me so. When he was one day old and the specialist told me he had a 15% percent chance to live , I didn't worry. When he finally came off oxygen and the doctors told me that he might be a slow learner or develop slowly , I did not worry.
And he turned out to be the most healthy, fat and smartest child ever. He rarely even got sick. And he was a natural born athlete with strong lungs. He was strong.
So...back to Phillip...
When I found out I was pregnant with him life was really hard for me . Me and Andrew were having alot of problems. I filed for divorce. Jessica was like one and a half then , and consumed every single second of my time . Two weeks after I left Andy after our worst fight ever...I know I'm pregnant. My mom kept telling me that I was. I didn't believe her. I kept saying no no no. Well one day I took off work early and I went to the clinic. I didn't tell anyone , I just snuck off by myself. I remember sitting there filling out the paperwork and I was praying not to be pregnant. I just couldn't do it , I had too many things to deal with right now. My marriage was over and I was living with my mom again.
Well, obviously the test was positive.
I drove out to the Texas City Dike and sat there by the water and cried and cried.
I did not want another baby. Jessica was the most spoiled little girl ever and I couldn't do it again. I spent too much time devoted to her. I sat there for hours and I prayed. I prayed that God would give me a miscarriage.
I decided to have an abortion. When I was a teenager I got pregnant three times. I didn't have a child until I was 21 years old and that was Jessica. I had three abortions. I didn't want to be a mother , I was too selfish and self- centered. I thought the world revolved around me and was having the party of my life. I was a drunk drug addicted teenager living on her own and I had three abortions. I have dealt with it. It was mistakes that I made.....
So , I decide that this time I need to have another abortion. I made me an appointment but never went.
I am so glad that this time I made the right choice.......
When I was 30 weeks along in my pregnancy my doctor ordered me on total bed rest in the hospital. This was the time that I really began to get to know my son. I was finally so happy to be having another child. All my fears and worries meant nothing because there was this miracle growing inside of me.He moved constantly , he was very active , day and night.
When I was 35 weeks pregnant I woke up one night in the hospital and I was sick. I was nauseous and throwing up. My doctor came and did an ultrasound and examination and told me I was going right then for an emergency cesarean. My baby was in distress. I was terrified . I grab the phone and try to call Andrew , no answer. I tried to call my mother in law, no answer. I tried to call my mom , sister and friend. Still no answer. So I knew I ws going to do this alone. I was crying so bad and they were prepping me for surgery and I was just shaking and terrified that my baby was going to die. I remembered the times when I begged God to let me have a miscarriage and I tried to bargain with God that if he let my son live that I would love him every day of his life. I prayed that God would forgive me for the other three children that I aborted and just give me a chance to be a mother again. I just knew that God was gonna take him from me because I hadn't appreciated him enough.
And then...
Like a voice in the back of my head I hear my fathers voice. He says , "Tricina , quit crying. Your son is going to be fine. Everyone is gonna think he's sick but he's not."
Suddenly I felt so relaxed. I stopped crying and I knew that everything was gonna be okay. Phillip was born five weeks premature and weighed 8lbs 7 1/2 ounces. He was a big boy but his lungs were not developed yet. He went straight to the NICU. The first time I saw him he was covered in wires and surrounded by machines. He had an IV in his head and one in his foot.They had used medicine to paralyze him and he was completely dependant on a machine to breathe for him. He didn't breathe on his own till he was three days old.He looked so helpless laying there bright red , because his skin pigment wasn't ready yet.
But , I dint worry about him .
I knew he was going to be okay because my father told me so. When he was one day old and the specialist told me he had a 15% percent chance to live , I didn't worry. When he finally came off oxygen and the doctors told me that he might be a slow learner or develop slowly , I did not worry.
And he turned out to be the most healthy, fat and smartest child ever. He rarely even got sick. And he was a natural born athlete with strong lungs. He was strong.
04/18/2010 - My 37th Birthday
Well here it is..today I am 37...This is the first birthday that I am spending without my son. Except for the twenty four years that I had before him.
I miss him. I always loved having birthdays with my children because they were so good to me. They would shower me with love and attention and I would be the most important person in the world , for a day. Always I got breakfast in bed. They would bring it to me and we would all eat together.
This year I dont want to celebrate. I can hear everyone around me whispering and I am really hoping that they are not planning me a party. Im ok , but I dont want to celebrate. But I hear my niece and I can tell something is going on.
I take off with a friend of mine for awhile to ride around and talk and when I get back to my nieces house , I see cars. Just my brother and sister. I get out and have to go to the side of the house and cry. I just miss my Phillip. What kind of birthday is this? Im looking at the sky and I just wanna see him. Its so hard not to be sad. I dont want to go inside because I dont want them to see me sad.
My daughter is so understanding. She just sits there and waits till I'm done. She knows that the tears wont last long because she sees me getting better.
When I pull myself together she says , " Do you feel better? Now lets go inside."
I see that sometimes she still has to be the mommie.
We go inside and nobody jumped out at me..everyone is just sitting around chillin . Thats a good thing because this I can handle. I can do this.
My niece bought me a cake. That girl , she is so wonderful. She showers me with love all day every day. She thinks that I am the strong one but I think she is. She has so unselfishly opened her house to me. I have always had a close bond to her and now I need her more than ever.
I dont like today but I am handling it. Thats all I can do , is handle it.
I miss him. I always loved having birthdays with my children because they were so good to me. They would shower me with love and attention and I would be the most important person in the world , for a day. Always I got breakfast in bed. They would bring it to me and we would all eat together.
This year I dont want to celebrate. I can hear everyone around me whispering and I am really hoping that they are not planning me a party. Im ok , but I dont want to celebrate. But I hear my niece and I can tell something is going on.
I take off with a friend of mine for awhile to ride around and talk and when I get back to my nieces house , I see cars. Just my brother and sister. I get out and have to go to the side of the house and cry. I just miss my Phillip. What kind of birthday is this? Im looking at the sky and I just wanna see him. Its so hard not to be sad. I dont want to go inside because I dont want them to see me sad.
My daughter is so understanding. She just sits there and waits till I'm done. She knows that the tears wont last long because she sees me getting better.
When I pull myself together she says , " Do you feel better? Now lets go inside."
I see that sometimes she still has to be the mommie.
We go inside and nobody jumped out at me..everyone is just sitting around chillin . Thats a good thing because this I can handle. I can do this.
My niece bought me a cake. That girl , she is so wonderful. She showers me with love all day every day. She thinks that I am the strong one but I think she is. She has so unselfishly opened her house to me. I have always had a close bond to her and now I need her more than ever.
I dont like today but I am handling it. Thats all I can do , is handle it.
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