Well here it is..today I am 37...This is the first birthday that I am spending without my son. Except for the twenty four years that I had before him.
I miss him. I always loved having birthdays with my children because they were so good to me. They would shower me with love and attention and I would be the most important person in the world , for a day. Always I got breakfast in bed. They would bring it to me and we would all eat together.
This year I dont want to celebrate. I can hear everyone around me whispering and I am really hoping that they are not planning me a party. Im ok , but I dont want to celebrate. But I hear my niece and I can tell something is going on.
I take off with a friend of mine for awhile to ride around and talk and when I get back to my nieces house , I see cars. Just my brother and sister. I get out and have to go to the side of the house and cry. I just miss my Phillip. What kind of birthday is this? Im looking at the sky and I just wanna see him. Its so hard not to be sad. I dont want to go inside because I dont want them to see me sad.
My daughter is so understanding. She just sits there and waits till I'm done. She knows that the tears wont last long because she sees me getting better.
When I pull myself together she says , " Do you feel better? Now lets go inside."
I see that sometimes she still has to be the mommie.
We go inside and nobody jumped out at me..everyone is just sitting around chillin . Thats a good thing because this I can handle. I can do this.
My niece bought me a cake. That girl , she is so wonderful. She showers me with love all day every day. She thinks that I am the strong one but I think she is. She has so unselfishly opened her house to me. I have always had a close bond to her and now I need her more than ever.
I dont like today but I am handling it. Thats all I can do , is handle it.
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