Hello and thank you for joining me on this emotional roller coaster that I would never wish on anyone. If you've never been to this blog before let me tell you some things that might help you. Its better to start at the beginning and for me that was 12/30/2009...if you look to the right you will see blog archive,you can start at the top and work your way down.The beginning is April 18, 2010, It just makes it easier. And everyone please feel free to leave comments or anything you want. I know alot of you have your own special memories that maybe you want to share. Its up to you. I will tell you that this blog is very blunt and very real. Im sorry if it offends anyone , thats not my intention. When I first starting writing it I knew that I would end up telling alot of my little "secrets". But , for me to find my healing I had to face who I really was and the life history that has made me the woman I am today.These are my opinions and views. But, ultimately this is for me not you. So , thank you again and may God bless u.



Cina



Tuesday, April 20, 2010

1/3/2010 - The Police Report







People still in and out.

They set up a table with pictures and candles...and things that belonged to him. His football, his fishing pole. All his favorite things.

I get the police report and they tell me that My son and his friend were crossing the highway. Phillip was waiting in the middle lane and his friend tries to cross. Theres a car and the car swerves to miss his friend and runs right into my Phillip. So he wasnt wrong. He did know better. They tell me he was run over .That the tires ran over his chest and killed him instantly. My son was drug under the car. My beautiful baby was so hurt and I wasnt there. Its killing me. The pain is too much. Images of the accident I never saw flash through my head constantly. I see his bloody broken body. I feel the impact of the car.
And who is this driver? I have his name and address. I know hes a 50 year old white man. Im not mad at him. I want him to tell me hes sorry. They say he sat out there till they took my sons body away. I want to talk to him. I want to know.....
Everyone telling me no, i shouldnt ask . But, I wanna know.I want the details. I wanna know if he cried or called for me. They say he was dead instantly but maybe there is more. Why hasnt this man called me? How could he not?

I go out to the site of the accident. There are blood stains on the ground. I stand there and I think , this is where my sons soul left this earth. Im crying so bad. Theres are spray paint markings everywhere. Blood in a long drug out pattern shows where my son was. I wanna die too. I wanna get hit by a car too and die in this spot because maybe then I can hold him again. People are passing by and slowing down and paying their respects. This is a small town. Everyone knows. Im on my knees trying to find the words to pray, crying like my heart has been ripped out. But no prayer comes only tears.

I wanna leave but i know there is something I want to do.
(*** You have to understand that I am a fan of Horror films and books , so what I did next I did outta love.***)

I walk off by myself and I say , "Phillip if you are here...if your spirit is stuck in this place where you died then, be free. Come with me or go to Heaven. Be free son."
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