01/10/2010 Late Late at night

I spent the evening putting the house back in order. I moved all of the stuff from the tables into my room. I feel like im a zombie. Im walking around and im cleaning and rearranging like normal. But , if you ask me a question then you almost have to snap my thoughts back into reality. My body is tingly and numb. Im smoking way too many ciggarrettes and staying so high . It helps. I dont care what anyone thinks. It helps.

Its 3am and Im about to lose my mind....The house is so dark. All of the normal house noises that people get used to over time are freaking me out. I wanna scream but i dont want to scare everyone else in the house. Im pacing the floors and im crying so bad. I just want to hold him one more time. How can this be real? Why cant i just wake up from this nightmare. Doesnt God know that he was my world. How could God do this to me. i know Ive been a sinner for all of my life. But me and God weve always had this wonderful private relationship. He knows me better than anyone else right? So how does he think Im gonna survve this? Why would I even want to? Thats what blowing my mind. Why do I even want to wake up every morning? I go outside and sit in the cold dark backyard by myself. I lay on the wet grass and I cry. I dont want anyone to hear me. I lay there like a fool in the middle of the night and I cry. I wish this could be a movie and Ill see his spirit slowly materialize out of the night. He will tell me , "Mama , dont cry. I am okay. I didnt want to leave you but I had to. I love you" I want to see him and hear his voice. But this isnt a movie and that doesnt happen. I look up at the stars and the clouds and Im so hurt by God.Why did you take my baby? It would have been better for me to die. Because Jessica and Phillip would have comforted eachother. They would have been ok. But not this. Oh lord not this. My baby was gonna be everything. He was gonna take care of me. He loved me. No one ever loved me the way he did.