01/07/2010 - Visitors

My daughter comes to me today and sits on the couch next to me. She pulls the blanket from over my head and says,"Mom, I love you but you smell. Please go take a shower." I look at her and say that I don't have anything to wear. She says that she will bring me something and I go.

Showers are hard. Now before this I would shower 2-3 times a day. i was famous for taking two hour long baths. But now its hard, because these are the times that I am all alone. I'm standing there with hot water rushing over me and I'm crying again. Will these damn tears ever stop? I look out the shower window and theres the backyard. Oh great , the backyard was Phillips domain. I always said I was gonna buy a house with a huge garage that would be all his. Phillip is a tinkerer. He loves to take things apart and put them back together. He makes the strangest inventions. And the backyard here is where he did it.

Phillips bus driver comes over. Every morning I sat outside and waited for the bus. This was a cool driver because Phillip was rarely ready on time. He would wait and I have never seen a bus driver wait. Phillip would tell me that they would have long talks because he was the first one picked up and last one dropped off. His bus driver tells me that my son was amazing. He tells me that all of his years driving he never met a kid like him.He says that he had this overwhelming urge to come and tell me that my son loved the hell outta me. He says that Phillip would talk to him about how hard I was trying and how I was his hero. He says that I rode his butt constantly but allowed him to have his own personality. This man has made me so happy.

I know that Phillip loved me that's why it hurts so much.

Later that day , I have more visitors. His coaches come and see me. Phillip played football and basketball. The kid loved sports and was a natural.

(***During one of his games he was mad because the coach wasn't playing him...I was mad too. I go over and I'm like one of the stupid parents. The coach says "Just wait Mrs. Duran , Phillip is my secret weapon. So its the last quarter and Phillip is finally in the game. He sacked the quarterback four times in a row!! They won.***)

His coaches have come to see me and I'm having a bad moment. Sometimes its hard to even open my eyes because I am crying all the time. I'm sitting there looking a mess. These big football coaches are looking at me like their hearts are breaking. " Phillip was a unbelievable kid," they say "There will never be another like him, truly."
They are all teary eyed and weepy. They have brought me a football that all of the coaches and football players have signed. Its so beautiful. I hold it my arms and I think of all the games he will never play. I have always raised him to love sports and he was gonna play for the Dallas Cowboys,lol. But he was. He said he was gonna have a big house and that I could come and live with him. I wouldn't have to do anything. Just cook for him once in awhile. he says Mom , Imma take such good care of you and even if my wife complains I will divorce her because you are the mama. All of those beautiful dreams are over because my son is dead and all I have is a football.

I don't sleep tonight either.

This song is so special between me and my son...I used to sing it to him from the time he was little. Now , he never admitted to liking it (he was too cool for that) but he would dance with me.