1/01/2010 New Years Day

First day of a new year...I'm not cooking this year. Usually I make the biggest meal but no reason to celebrate a new year.

I have to go to the funeral home. I don't want to go. I cant go and make arrangements. It sounds crazy to me. They want me to tell them what to do with my dead sons body.My mom and sister make me get up and get dressed. I pull on clothes that they bought for me . I don't care what I'm wearing. I feel like I'm in the middle of a horrible dream. Like any second I'm gonna wake up and its all gonna be over. Phillip is gonna be at home and I'm gonna yell at him for making me a nervous wreck.

But its not a dream....

I decide that I want his body cremated. I don't want anyone to see him dead. I want people to remember my wild son alive and free. Not in a casket. He is too beautiful for that. I want a private viewing for me because i know that if i don't see him it will never be real to me. But after that I want him cremated.


Its nighttime and I have to do a very hard thing. Phillips daddy , my husband is in jail. We have been seperated for 11 years but now I have to tell him his only son is dead. My brother calls the jail and they tell him that they will let Andrew know that there is an emergency and he has to call his wife.
Im outside with my best friend and the phone rings. Its him. I answer and hes frantic..."Whats going on , Tricina?" I open my mouth but only noise comes out.
Im trying to say Phillip but it sounds more like Fa fa fa. I couldnt say it. My friend takes the phone and tells Andrew. She hands me back the phone and I try to explain what little I know. We are both crying. Our son.